Nerves

Tomorrow is the day that Dr. Long is supposed to release me. I go in at 12:00 for ultrasound to check on bean, then I'll meet with him to see if he thinks I'm ready. I'm feeling very nervous about this appointment. As crazy and irrational as I hope I'm being, I still think that it's too good to be true, and I feel like at any minute something horrible is going to happen. I had been feeling really positive and calm about everything, but last night my nerves just started peeking through. Yesterday at church, I was very weepy, I felt like God was speaking to me, and I felt so good when I left church. I guess the stinky devil didn't like how I was feeling so he put that fear back in me. Ugh...stinky devil. With all this being said, I'm praying for a strong healthy hearbeat tomorrow with good growth, and I'm praying for a calm and peaceful mind until then. Please keep me in your prayers as well.

On a completely different note, today was an interesting day of work. We were on our spring break last week, and so it was difficult for me to get motivated to come back to work. 28 days until summer vacation! Yay! However, 3 times since I've been pregnant, my alarm clock has magically turned itself off. I've turned my alarm clock off before and overslept, but these past 3 times I have no recollection of turning it off! I must be sleeping hard. Luckily I woke up at 7:00 am each time I've done this. I'm supposed to be at work at 7:45 (but kids usually start coming to my room around 7:30. I took the fastest shower, threw on some clothes, slapped on some make-up, and kinda fixed my hair. I made it to work at 7:38! Ta-Dah! I'm amazing, right? Once I got here I remembered that both of the paraprofessionals plus the nurse that work with me were all going to be out. 1 of the 3 substitutes are tolerable. Since I have found out I was pg, I've not been lifting my student who has CP. So, today, I had no one that could lift her. She doesn't tolerate sitting in her wheelchair for longer than 30 min at a time..so for a few minutes she was crying out in pain, and I felt so helpless. I'm sure I could safely lift, but at this point, I'm not going to do anything that might hurt bean...not after what I've done to get here. Eventually, I worked up enough courage to tell the nurse's sub that I was pg, and I can't lift. Luckily she has a strong back and he did all the lifting today...Thank Goodness! I told her that I felt like I could probably safely lift at this early stage in pregnancy, but I had been through fertility treatments, and I didn't want to risk anything. It turns out she went through fertility treatments to have her first child...very similar story as me. Then she told me that after the first one, they began talking about going back to the Dr. to start for #2 when out of the blue they conceived on their own. Praise God! I like stories like that.

Wow, I'm rambling...but, very quickly before I go I'm going to do a quick review of the other 2 substitutes. I'll call them Mr. Wrinkles and Mr. Crazy.
Mr. Wrinkles has been subbing for years. He has the best heart, but not the best hearing. He annoys the kids, but they love him at the same time. At best, Mr. Wrinkles is a warm body at best. Mr. Crazy is a new sub in our system. He is obviously very intelligent. He holds multiple degrees, and seems well informed about...well...everything EXCEPT social skills. The first time I met him, he kept calling me to the corner for a private converstaion in which he would continue to yell for the entire campus to hear. Ex: "Are these kids severely retarded?" (very loudly in front of my entire class. Each time he has subbed in my room, I have begged him to leave early in the afternoons. Most of my students are picked up at 2:30, and I really don't need him. Not to mention that he stares at me funny and it creeps me out, but he refuses to do anything differently than the schedule that the parapro has left for him. I seriously seriously think this man has Asperger's Syndrome. Bless his heart. If this is the case and he does have Aspergers, why do I have no patience with him. I do great with children with Aspergers. He's just...bizarre.

Hm, deep thoughts. Well, I've been long winded, so I think I'll stop now.

Update

I just realized it has been almost a week since I've blogged. This week has been pretty uneventful. We're finally finishing up State testing at school, and our Spring Break is next week, so we are all counting down the days, hours, and minutes.

I had an appointment with Dr. Long Monday. I wasn't really sure the purpose of the appointment, but I went ahead. I had to take a whole day off work which was a bit frustrating because my sick days are like gold to me now. Immediately, a nurse called me back and took me to the ultrasound room and told me bottoms off. I asked her if she was sure I was supposed get one since I had just had one on Friday. She checked with Dr. Long, and he said go ahead. I was shocked at how different the baby looked in just 3 days. The heartbeat was even stronger. They did find a small bleed that they must have missed on Friday's ultrasound because they said it looked like it was already clotting. She said that I shouldn't freak out if I have some brown spotting (but then she smiled and said, you'll freak out anyways--you can call if you need to.) So far, no spotting..Praise God! She also noticed some more cysts on my right ovary. On Friday I had one big cyst, now I have 3. The two cysts are smaller. She said this was pretty common and I might have some cramping. She also said that they should go away on their own in another 4-6 weeks. I didn't ask what caused the cysts, but they are on the ovary that produced the best follicles. My left ovary was lazy with the Menopur.

So, I go back on Monday for another ultrasound, and I will go back the next week on Tuesday for another consultation with Dr. Long and ultrasound. Dr. Long said at that point he will most likely release me to Dr. Heaton. I'm glad they decided to hold on to me for a few more weeks. I need the extra attention right now.

Now, for my current symptoms and mental status:

Physically:
-No morning sickness at all. I've only gotten nauseous twice. In each situation I hadn't eaten in a while. It went away immediately after I ate something.
-Bloating/Water Retention- I was already pretty overweight, so I'm sure it'll be a long time before I can see a bump, but my pants do not want to button.
-Headaches- nothing bad (nothing at all like fertility treatment headaches)...and I refuse to take anything for it since Tylenol is all I can take, and frankly..it doesn't do a thing for me.
-Sore BBs- some days worse than others. Only bothersome when I take my bra off.
-VERY vivid and bizarre dreams

Mentally:
I'm doing better than the first few weeks, but I'm still worried. Most days I do pretty good, and I'm allowing myself happiness, but occasionally the devil creeps in and puts bad thoughts in my head. I need to learn Samantha's song that she wrote early in her pregnancy.

I hope everyone has been having a good week. I read blogs daily, and I continue to pray for each of you.

God is Great!

I have been thinking about how to write this blog for a little over 2 weeks, and after all that time of thinking, I still can't think of the best, or most clever way to say this, but I'M PREGNANT! By the Grace of God, despite all of my negativity and doubt, our first attempt at IUI was successful.

If you remember from a few blog entries back, I was being a total drama queen, and I was planning on skipping my beta blood test that was scheduled for Tuesday, March 16.
Some of my prayer warriors talked me into going, and I decided to just "get it over with." On the way to get the bloodwork done, my mom called and asked me what I was doing. I responded by saying that I was going to go take a negative pregnancy test. When the nurse called with the results, with trembling voice and shaking hands, all I could say was, "Are you kidding me?" Unfortunately I didn't take this phone call in private, and the ladies that work in my classroom with me put together the puzzle pieces and began jumping for joy. The next thing I know, one of my Autistic students joined in on the fun. Bless his heart, imagine trying to explain to him that he needed to keep this a secret for a while. From there, I called my husband, and all he said was "What?" I repeated myself, then he said "Awesome!" We told our moms that evening and close friends and family, but I vowed to keep it a secret as long as I could since the beginning is so scary. I am still trying to keep it under wraps from the "general public" so if you guys don't mind, please keep this on the down low.

The thing about getting a positive pregnancy test after infertility treatments that no one really tells you, is that you can't imagine the fear that comes with a positive test. I told my husband one day when I was feeling especially worried, "I know how to be infertile and deal with all the emotion that comes with that, but I don't know how to be pregnant and deal with these fears." He kept telling me to be happy and not worry, but I couldn't stop worrying. For future reference for all of you: When you get your BFP's stay off BabyCenter's forum. There can be some good encouraging information on there, but you have to weed through the scary horror stories first.

So, lets get down to the numbers and dates:
Feb. 19 - LMP/CD 1
March 4 - IUI (low morphology, 1 mature egg)
March 16 - Beta 63
March 23 - Beta 1,676
April 2 - U/S 1 perfect bean Measuring 5w5d (I am 6 weeks today)WE SAW THE HEARTBEAT!
Beta- 5,519
Nov. 26- Early Due Date (according to the interent calculators--the Dr. hasn't said)


I took a picture of the picture with my phone, so the quality isn't too great.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Long on Monday. The nurse said she felt like since everything looked good he may want to release me early. I think this is good news, but I'm kind of hoping they hold on to me for a while. I'm sure my OB would be fine, but I think emotionally, I need ART still.

I'm asking that all of you keep Nick, myself, and BabyP in your prayers, and please know that I am praying for all of you daily.

This is neat.

I ran across this website on another blog I follow. I thought it was pretty cool, and thought I'd share.

http://fertilitysocks.org/

MIA

I know I haven't posted in a while, things have been busy busy lately. We've been taking a lot of trips to Birmingham lately to help care for my father-in-law since his surgery. His heart is doing well, but they did find a blood clot in his neck. He has been on blood thinners since his surgery and his body is all bruised from that. Also, he has been a heavy smoker for years, and now he's having some trouble with his lungs. They want to get him back in soon to run some tests on his lungs, and come up with a game plan for that blood clot. He's been really struggling to quit smoking as well. Keep him in your prayers and ask that he gain the strength to quit.

Most of you know I'm a Special Education teacher, and I have to share my latest giggle with you. For confidentiality reasons, I'm only going to refer to the students as A and B. Student A is Autistic and possibly one of my all time favorite students (yes, I have a favorite...I'm a bad teacher) His scooby doo boxers are always hanging out the top of his pants, and he is a big boy who hovers over me when we stand next to eachother. Student B has Down Syndrome and ADHD. He's a little guy whose speech is hard to interpret for most everyone.

This took place Monday while the students were eating their lunch together:

Student A: Hey, Student B, What is your IQ?
Student B: (Blank Stare)
Student A: Well, what is 2+2?
Student B: (Blank Stare)

Student B begins to get nervous since Student A is drilling him, and he starts to rock back and forth and make a chanting like sound over and over.

Student A: (laughing) You're silly, but it's because your brain is so small.

It may not be as funny as I remember now that I'm writing it all down, but I could not stop laughing. First of all, I couldn't figure out how in the world Student A knew what an IQ was, much less that you might be able to determine it by adding 2+2. These kids never cease to amaze me. I have some bad days here and then, but I always need to remember to give thanks for such a great job and such wonderful students.

Ooohh Oooh Ooohh Oooh Oooooooh...

I got a new attitude! Or, at least I'm trying. =) It's been a crazy weekend. Nick's dad went into the hospital Thursday for shortness of breath, and it ended up that he needed triple bypass. He had surgery Friday. The surgery went fine, only now he isn't acting like him self, he'll get hung up on one certain word, like "okay" or "hey" stare off into space, not very responsive. They did a CT scan today and it came back ok, but they need to do an MRI because they think he's got blood clots in his brain. They have to wait until tomorrow to do the MRI because he still has the pacemaker wires in. This is scary business. So while all of this is going on, I was still in my crazy, emotinal, irration, depression. I wasn't being the most supportive wife to my husband, and he was at his wits end with my foul mood, and crying. So yesterday evening we had the most honest conversation with eachother, and I really feel better about everything. He's working on being more open with me, and I'm working on finding my "happy" again and trying not to let infertility define me. Be impressed, all of this is while I'm waiting on AF to show up. Since Nick's dad is at St. Vincents, we will be in B'ham until late, so I'm going to take a separate car and stay with my friend Hayden Monday night. I'm going to suck it up, and just go take the blood pregnancy test, then head into work. I'm at peace with not being pregnant this month, because my husband has agreed that we will start the adoption process at the end of this year. We are going to continue with treatments until then, but we know we want a child...although we would absolutely adore a bilogical child, we will have a family no matter what. I am looking forward to a month of no medication...we decided it wouldn't make any sense to persue treatment until Nick's boys had further testing. Continue to pray for us, and pray for Nick's dad. Have a great week!

Question

Well, I broke down and took a pg test today, and of course BFN. I didn't really expect any differently. Now here's my question. Do I still have to go to ART to let them do blook work? I mean I really don't need them to confirm what I already know. I don't need to drive an hour, use my gas, pay for parking, pay my co-pay, for them to tell me something I know the answer to. We've decided to take next month off, I need an emotional break, and we need to try to save some money, plus I thought it would be stupid to try again until the Dr. figures out if DH's swimmers are even able to penetrate an egg. So I thought about just saying "oops I've started my period--I won't be coming in today" when my period isn't due until 2 days after my scheduled pregnancy test. But then, I hate to lie. I just don't want them to tell me I have to come in, or try to plant some false hope in me, by telling me my home pregnancy test may not be accurate. Thoughts?