I am so saddened by some blog news I read today. I heard this song on the way home, and I felt compelled to share it.
"Love Them Like Jesus"
The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart
You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you
Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus
The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away
You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you
Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you
So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Tree Wins!
Had a nice weekend. I spent some time with my family at the lake, for my niece's birthday. DH and others rode the jet ski again, but I didn't feel much like getting in the lake since my "lake funk" rash had finally cleared up since vacation. I didn't a little research, and Andrea, I think you were right about swimmer's itch...gross.
Yesterday was my friend's baby shower, it was nice. My sister offered to go with me, so that, on top of having my friend Hayden there, made things easier. There was only a time or two, that I wished I could chime in with the mommy talk, but overall it wasn't too difficult for me...
Until...I left.
There were a lot of cars parked, and I was the first to leave, I had to kind of maneuver to miss a car, and in the process backed right into a tree. I actually had no idea what I had hit, because when I looked back, and in all my mirrors I still saw nothing. My sister got out and checked the damage because I was freaking out too badly to do so, and she helped me cope with my little drama. So, I'm out a tail light. My bumper dented it, but since it's a Jeep, and the bumper is rubber, it popped itself back out when I was driving. There are a few bark marks on it, but the bulk of the damage was the tail light. I stopped at advanced auto, and they quoted me $135 bucks for a new one, so I decided to call some junk yards. My husband said he found one for $50 bucks, so hopefully we'll be able to get that done in the next few days. Until then, I'm rocking the red redneck tape!
Hope everyone has a good week.
Yesterday was my friend's baby shower, it was nice. My sister offered to go with me, so that, on top of having my friend Hayden there, made things easier. There was only a time or two, that I wished I could chime in with the mommy talk, but overall it wasn't too difficult for me...
Until...I left.
There were a lot of cars parked, and I was the first to leave, I had to kind of maneuver to miss a car, and in the process backed right into a tree. I actually had no idea what I had hit, because when I looked back, and in all my mirrors I still saw nothing. My sister got out and checked the damage because I was freaking out too badly to do so, and she helped me cope with my little drama. So, I'm out a tail light. My bumper dented it, but since it's a Jeep, and the bumper is rubber, it popped itself back out when I was driving. There are a few bark marks on it, but the bulk of the damage was the tail light. I stopped at advanced auto, and they quoted me $135 bucks for a new one, so I decided to call some junk yards. My husband said he found one for $50 bucks, so hopefully we'll be able to get that done in the next few days. Until then, I'm rocking the red redneck tape!
Hope everyone has a good week.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Dear Infertility
A friend of mine, Hayden-therapist in training, suggested I do this little exercise, and I thought I'd give it a shot.
Dear Infertility,
I've never known such hatred, sadness, guilt, and despair since you came into my life. You've ruined everything that I thought I would be. You've taken a toll on my heart, body, and mind. You have broken me. You've put strain on my relationships, and you've pushed resentment and jealousy into my heart. You have turned me into a woman obsessed with wanting what she can't have. You have placed doubt and uncertainty in every aspect of my being. You've hurt so many of us, in turn adding more hurt in my life for the others surrounding me that have to know you. You've shattered so many dreams, and literally made my life a living hell. You've made it difficult for me to find happiness in things that should bring me joy. You've robbed me from sharing motherhood with my sisters and my friends. You've robbed me of myself. Worst of all, once I felt like I had beaten you, you killed my baby. My womb is empty, my arms are empty, and my heart is empty. There is nothing or anyone else to blame, but you. I hate you, infertility. I hate you.
Ok, now that THAT is out of my system! Whew, I really do feel better. I realize that I've been carrying a lot of blame for my infertility. I've felt shamed that I can't reproduce like every "normal" woman is supposed to. I've also felt a lot of shame for losing the baby. When I found out I had ACL, I looked at my husband and said, "I killed our baby." I realize now, it's nothing I did, or could control, but it sure feels good to put the blame on something else.
So, for all of you Gleeks out there...yes Kara, I'm talking to you too. =) There was an episode when Rachel and her mother were singing together prior to being reunited. I absolutely blubbered like a baby when I watched. I finally got around to buying the Glee Vol. 3 soundtrack and the song is on there. It's from Les Miserables originally, and Glee cut some lyrics out and modified a little bit, but I want to share them with you, and tell you how I relate to them.
I Dreamed a Dream
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Do you remember when everything seemed so hopeful, before infertility?
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
I wish I could go back to the time when I had no worries..I long for the innocence and life I had before infertility.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they turn your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
My tigers are infertility, depression, anger, jealousy, guilt, resentment.
And still I dream she'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I still dream about my child, and how my life would be different with her here with me, but then when I realize it can't ever be...it kills me.
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
This part speaks for itself.
I know it's cheesy to get so emotionally caught up in a song...especially if it's from Glee, but I really felt like I needed to share it with everyone.
I hope everyone has a nice weekend. TRY to relax and have a good time. Remember those who died for our freedom, and those who continue to fight, as well as their families who may be missing them right now. God Bless America!
Dear Infertility,
I've never known such hatred, sadness, guilt, and despair since you came into my life. You've ruined everything that I thought I would be. You've taken a toll on my heart, body, and mind. You have broken me. You've put strain on my relationships, and you've pushed resentment and jealousy into my heart. You have turned me into a woman obsessed with wanting what she can't have. You have placed doubt and uncertainty in every aspect of my being. You've hurt so many of us, in turn adding more hurt in my life for the others surrounding me that have to know you. You've shattered so many dreams, and literally made my life a living hell. You've made it difficult for me to find happiness in things that should bring me joy. You've robbed me from sharing motherhood with my sisters and my friends. You've robbed me of myself. Worst of all, once I felt like I had beaten you, you killed my baby. My womb is empty, my arms are empty, and my heart is empty. There is nothing or anyone else to blame, but you. I hate you, infertility. I hate you.
Ok, now that THAT is out of my system! Whew, I really do feel better. I realize that I've been carrying a lot of blame for my infertility. I've felt shamed that I can't reproduce like every "normal" woman is supposed to. I've also felt a lot of shame for losing the baby. When I found out I had ACL, I looked at my husband and said, "I killed our baby." I realize now, it's nothing I did, or could control, but it sure feels good to put the blame on something else.
So, for all of you Gleeks out there...yes Kara, I'm talking to you too. =) There was an episode when Rachel and her mother were singing together prior to being reunited. I absolutely blubbered like a baby when I watched. I finally got around to buying the Glee Vol. 3 soundtrack and the song is on there. It's from Les Miserables originally, and Glee cut some lyrics out and modified a little bit, but I want to share them with you, and tell you how I relate to them.
I Dreamed a Dream
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Do you remember when everything seemed so hopeful, before infertility?
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
I wish I could go back to the time when I had no worries..I long for the innocence and life I had before infertility.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they turn your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
My tigers are infertility, depression, anger, jealousy, guilt, resentment.
And still I dream she'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I still dream about my child, and how my life would be different with her here with me, but then when I realize it can't ever be...it kills me.
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
This part speaks for itself.
I know it's cheesy to get so emotionally caught up in a song...especially if it's from Glee, but I really felt like I needed to share it with everyone.
I hope everyone has a nice weekend. TRY to relax and have a good time. Remember those who died for our freedom, and those who continue to fight, as well as their families who may be missing them right now. God Bless America!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Father's Day
Yesterday was a little tricky for me. I tried not to think about it too much, but inevitably around 4:00 yesterday, the emotions started coming back.
-I wish I could make my husband a father.
-I wish hearing of others pregnancies didn't make me hurt.
-I wish I could focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
-I wish we were doing treatments next month.
-I wish someone would give me a baby.
-I wish my friends and family could understand.
-I wish someone could just "fix-it."
-I wish I had my baby back.
-I wish I wasn't wishing.
-I wish I could just let go and have fun.
-I wish letting go was easier.
-I wish my best friend wouldn't read this post and think I need therapy.
-I wish I didn't feel like 28 was old.
Oh, what am I kidding? I could go on forever.... All things considered, I feel like I've done a pretty good job of dealing with everything, thanks to God. I'm just having a few down days right? Please tell me this too, shall pass.
I've been trying to lose some weight since the miscarriage, and I did well for the first 2 weeks. This weekend I completely blew it, and the scales told me all about it this morning. On that note...one final wish. I wish that food wasn't my comfort.
-I wish I could make my husband a father.
-I wish hearing of others pregnancies didn't make me hurt.
-I wish I could focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
-I wish we were doing treatments next month.
-I wish someone would give me a baby.
-I wish my friends and family could understand.
-I wish someone could just "fix-it."
-I wish I had my baby back.
-I wish I wasn't wishing.
-I wish I could just let go and have fun.
-I wish letting go was easier.
-I wish my best friend wouldn't read this post and think I need therapy.
-I wish I didn't feel like 28 was old.
Oh, what am I kidding? I could go on forever.... All things considered, I feel like I've done a pretty good job of dealing with everything, thanks to God. I'm just having a few down days right? Please tell me this too, shall pass.
I've been trying to lose some weight since the miscarriage, and I did well for the first 2 weeks. This weekend I completely blew it, and the scales told me all about it this morning. On that note...one final wish. I wish that food wasn't my comfort.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Summer Days
It's been a while since I've blogged, and though there is nothing really new in the fertility world to update on, I thought I'd let everyone one know what I've been up to. Summer is in full swing, and it's hard to believe that June is half way over. I've spent a few days by friends pools, more days recovering from the sunburn of those days, one day at a teacher workshop, and several evening keeping babies at VBS.
Two Sunday's ago we joined Crosshaven Church, which is a big step for us. I've been church "homeless" for quite some time. As a child, my mom had my sisters and I in church every time the doors were open. When I was a teenager, my church went through a horrible split, and I saw a lot of God's people, whom I had looked up to all my life, act in horrible ways. There's nothing quite like seeing christian people yell at each other in the sanctuary after a prayer meeting on a Sunday evening. My mother and I parted from the church with the pastor, and a small group of followers, and The Fellowship was created. I attended, and I enjoyed church, but I still felt like things were a bit of a mess. It wasn't long after joining that I became a paid employee of the church, and I tucked myself away in the nursery caring for the babies. I enjoyed it, but I missed church. The few times I was able to attend a service, all anyone knew to say to me was "who's watching the nursery?" About that time, I moved away from home, to an apartment in Jacksonville while I was in college. I tried to plug myself in the BCM, but my roommate and I never felt like we were a part of the group, so eventually we quit attending. When I married Nick, and we moved to Cullman, finding a church home wasn't my number 1 priority, but I did have some guilt about not attending. So, it wasn't long before I found another paid nursery job at FUMC in Cullman. I loved the church, loved the families, but still felt like I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. After a few years of working in the nursery, and really struggling with infertility, I felt called to find a church home. My husband was finally open to the idea, so I resigned from my nursery job, and we started the church home hunt. It didn't take long before we found where we were comfortable. I feel really blessed to be a member of Crosshaven, and the people there are so genuine.
I feel blessed, that through my miscarriage, I have been able to become closer with God. My faith had been suffering for quite some time, and I truly know what it feels like to be held in God's loving and comforting arms. I now know, that no matter what we endure here on Earth, it will all be worth it in the end. I remember saying once that I knew God had a plan for me...but I hated his plan. Now, I can say that God's plan may not be what I want, but it still holds good things for me. I also know that one day, I will hold my little baby in heaven some day. My baby, Hope (as I have been to referring him/her as) learned how to rest in God's arms long before I did, and I have peace in that.
I still struggle from time to time with my infertility mania. Last night specifically was a moment of weakness, as I know that sometime this week is "day 14" and it's hard not to try. I reminded myself this morning, that I've got to stop putting fertility before God. It's something I need continued prayer for. I'd also like to request prayer for a personal situation that has presented itself in my life. There is a big opportunity, that we don't want to jump into unless it's God's plan for us. Just pray that we'll have God's wisdom in our decision making, and that what is meant to happen will happen.
I want each of you to know that I've been following your blogs, even if I haven't commented. Like a few others have mentioned, sometimes I don't comment because it's too hard, or I just don't know the right words to say. Just know that I pray for each of you in your journey to parenthood...no matter where you are.
Two Sunday's ago we joined Crosshaven Church, which is a big step for us. I've been church "homeless" for quite some time. As a child, my mom had my sisters and I in church every time the doors were open. When I was a teenager, my church went through a horrible split, and I saw a lot of God's people, whom I had looked up to all my life, act in horrible ways. There's nothing quite like seeing christian people yell at each other in the sanctuary after a prayer meeting on a Sunday evening. My mother and I parted from the church with the pastor, and a small group of followers, and The Fellowship was created. I attended, and I enjoyed church, but I still felt like things were a bit of a mess. It wasn't long after joining that I became a paid employee of the church, and I tucked myself away in the nursery caring for the babies. I enjoyed it, but I missed church. The few times I was able to attend a service, all anyone knew to say to me was "who's watching the nursery?" About that time, I moved away from home, to an apartment in Jacksonville while I was in college. I tried to plug myself in the BCM, but my roommate and I never felt like we were a part of the group, so eventually we quit attending. When I married Nick, and we moved to Cullman, finding a church home wasn't my number 1 priority, but I did have some guilt about not attending. So, it wasn't long before I found another paid nursery job at FUMC in Cullman. I loved the church, loved the families, but still felt like I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. After a few years of working in the nursery, and really struggling with infertility, I felt called to find a church home. My husband was finally open to the idea, so I resigned from my nursery job, and we started the church home hunt. It didn't take long before we found where we were comfortable. I feel really blessed to be a member of Crosshaven, and the people there are so genuine.
I feel blessed, that through my miscarriage, I have been able to become closer with God. My faith had been suffering for quite some time, and I truly know what it feels like to be held in God's loving and comforting arms. I now know, that no matter what we endure here on Earth, it will all be worth it in the end. I remember saying once that I knew God had a plan for me...but I hated his plan. Now, I can say that God's plan may not be what I want, but it still holds good things for me. I also know that one day, I will hold my little baby in heaven some day. My baby, Hope (as I have been to referring him/her as) learned how to rest in God's arms long before I did, and I have peace in that.
I still struggle from time to time with my infertility mania. Last night specifically was a moment of weakness, as I know that sometime this week is "day 14" and it's hard not to try. I reminded myself this morning, that I've got to stop putting fertility before God. It's something I need continued prayer for. I'd also like to request prayer for a personal situation that has presented itself in my life. There is a big opportunity, that we don't want to jump into unless it's God's plan for us. Just pray that we'll have God's wisdom in our decision making, and that what is meant to happen will happen.
I want each of you to know that I've been following your blogs, even if I haven't commented. Like a few others have mentioned, sometimes I don't comment because it's too hard, or I just don't know the right words to say. Just know that I pray for each of you in your journey to parenthood...no matter where you are.
Friday, June 4, 2010
It's official...
I'm no longer pregnant. Well according to numbers anyways. AF started to show up a few days ago, and "officially" started yesterday. It's been very heavy and uncomfortable. We're taking time off from treatments, but the nurse told me that I still needed to come in for basline u/s and blood work. I get there this morning, and take my bottoms off and get on the table, heavy aunt flo with me...and then she asks me if I have my meds ordered. I told her I wasn't doing treatments, and she asked what I was doing there. UGH. She told me to get dressed and just get some blood drawn. Such a waste of a trip.
By regluar blood girl wasn't there, and it took 3 sticks to get the blood. The vein on my hand is blown. UGH. I checked my voice mail, and in a chipper voice I hear this: "We have the results from your pregancy test. It's was negative, so your pregnancy is resolved!" Hm....mixed feelings here. I'm not feeling so "resolved" about the whole thing. Sure, I'm glad, there aren't any lingering cells doing bad things down there, keeping my beta up....but I was supposed to have a baby growing in there, and now I don't. I feel quite unresolved actually. UGH.
On a positive note, driving to B'ham wasn't a total bust, I got to hang out with 2 of my friends from high school. It was good to spend time with them. I'm about to head to my sisters to play Just Dance on her Wii...that game is so fun.
Have a good weekend all, I'm thinking about all of you--no matter where you are in your journey.
By regluar blood girl wasn't there, and it took 3 sticks to get the blood. The vein on my hand is blown. UGH. I checked my voice mail, and in a chipper voice I hear this: "We have the results from your pregancy test. It's was negative, so your pregnancy is resolved!" Hm....mixed feelings here. I'm not feeling so "resolved" about the whole thing. Sure, I'm glad, there aren't any lingering cells doing bad things down there, keeping my beta up....but I was supposed to have a baby growing in there, and now I don't. I feel quite unresolved actually. UGH.
On a positive note, driving to B'ham wasn't a total bust, I got to hang out with 2 of my friends from high school. It was good to spend time with them. I'm about to head to my sisters to play Just Dance on her Wii...that game is so fun.
Have a good weekend all, I'm thinking about all of you--no matter where you are in your journey.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Poem
I know I'm being super bloggy tonight, but I keep finding things that I want to remember and want to share.
I wish I would have read this on Mother's Day.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom
Author Unknown
Also, if you haven't heard "I Will Carry You" by Selah you need to.
I wish I would have read this on Mother's Day.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom
Author Unknown
Also, if you haven't heard "I Will Carry You" by Selah you need to.
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