Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Heartbroken

I write the blog with a very heavy heart. Today's ultrasound showed no fetal heartbeat. I have a D&C scheduled for Friday. My husband and I ask that you pray for us in our time of grieving.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Tuesday

I have another ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, and I'm having a bit of anxiety about it. It's been a rough week. After speaking with the nurse (whose name I don't know) on Wednesday, everything kind of went fuzzy. Thursday, I got a text from my husband, showing me a bloody hand. At work, while trying to cut a tie off of some parts, he slipped and the knife stabbed him directly in the crease between his left thumb and pointer finger. He was okay, just had to get 4 stitches. His truck had been in the shop for a while, and his keys had his house key on it. So, he called me to come let him in the house so he could change out of his bloody clothes. When I pulled in the drive, he was bent over in pain...not with his hand, but with his back. Apparently, he pulled his back prior to stabbing himself, but it only began to cause him significant pain after he left the doctors office. I had to help him get changed, and as he was walking out to the truck his leg buckled beneath him. He insisted on going back to work, but then just as soon as I got to work, he sent another text and said he couldn't do it, and he was on his way home. I encouraged him to return to the doctor, but he said he'd be fine. When I got home he was in such pain, I dug out my old pain pills from my foot surgery about a year ago and told him to take one. He took one then, and before bed. Nick doesn't work on Fridays, so as I was at work, he called and let me know that he called work and explained that his back was really bothering, and they told him to go back to the doctor that they would cover it under workman's comp. All the doctor gave him was some samples of celebrex, but the part that is really upsetting is that, since it was workmans comp, they required him to take a drug test. I start to panic because I had given him the pain pills, and they were clearly not his prescription. People are losing their jobs all the time because of stupid things like this. The next thing I know, I've worked myself into a near panic attack. I could literally feel my heart beating in my neck. I ran to the nurse and took my blood pressure, and it was 155/103. Then I begin to panic because my blood pressure is high and it's not good for the baby. I've already been so worked up about the baby this week, that I knew this was bad. I broke down and called ART at 1:30. I knew they closed at 2, so I called and told the receptionist that I needed to speak with a nurse right away.

I told the nurse (who's name I know..starts with K and rhymes with Aaron) everything that I was feeling, what the nurse had told me when I called Wednesday and how I was absolutely losing my mind with worry. She grabbed my file, and said that yes, while my gestational sac is measuring behind, I had good cardiac and baby growth, and I needed to focus on that. She told me that the only thing I need to worry about it getting calmed down, and getting my blood pressure under control. I'm sure she had to think she was dealing with a nut, but at that point...I was at my breaking point. Speaking with her did make me feel better though. The school nurse allowed me to take the blood pressure cuff home with me, and I was able to monitor it until it finally came back to normal. When I got home, I told Nick that I couldn't worry about his job, that if he were to get fired, then God wanted him to find something else anyways. He then told me that he is planning on going in first thing Monday morning and just coming clean with them and explaining the situation to them. It's clear that he is in pain, still at this point. He walks with a curve in his back, and if you had to share a bed with him, you'd fully understand with all the tossing, and grunting that's been going on the last 3 nights.

Pray that Nick's work situation works out for us. Also, pray that my mind remains calm, and that my baby is doing well. Lastly but absolutely not least, please keep the other RachelP in your prayers as she goes in for surgery Tuesday. Every day of the week is a big day for someone out there. Tuesday just happens to be another big day for Rachel and myself.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Phone Call

I called the nurse messaging center this morning, because I had some questions about my gestational sac measurements. Dr. Long had mentioned that it was measuring behind but didn't tell me how far behind. I had plenty of time to sit down and ask all my questions. I hoped by talking to this nurse (who was very nice) I would get a better understanding, and I would be able to put my worries to rest. Well, I understand better, but my worries are now magnified.

First, I asked her baby and sac measurments.

Baby: (measured twice yesterday) 7 weeks 6 days and 8 weeks 0 days

Gestational Sac: Last weeks visit 4/12: 5 weeks 4 days Yesterday 4/20 6 weeks 1 day

Next, I asked her if she though the bleed could cause the small sac. She said no.

Then, I asked what risks were associated with a small sac. She said, with sympathy, that a lot of times it could mean miscarriage. She said it didn't always mean miscarriage, but often it does. She told me that I should try to remain positive, and that as long as baby and sac keep growing we had a good chance, and that they were just going to continue to monitor me closely.

Needless to say I'm terrified. I'm trying to find the courage to just let go and let God, but I find myself thinking that I've worked way to hard at this for it to be taken away. Please continue to pray for us.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Well...

I was not released as expected. The ultrasound measured me at 8 weeks, and according to my LMP I am 8 weeks 4 days. The bleed was still there, but I wasn't really concerned by it. They explain it to me like I have no idea it's there every time I have an ultrasound, so I just asked her if it was new blood or old blood. Her reponse..."I have no idea about that" This wasn't the girl that had been doing the ultrasound since I've been pregnant, but I do remember her from routine follicle scans. I didn't let her lack of knowledge in the bleed area get me down because I was on cloud nine after seeing the baby, and the heartbeat, and I was feeling confident about talking to Dr. Long. Dr. Long came in and of course mentioned the bleed. I asked him if it had gotten bigger and he said no, and that the culture they did last week came back fine, but since the gestational sac is smaller than he would like he's concerned that there still might be an infection despite the normal culture. So, antibiotics for 7 days, Ultrasound and bloodwork next week, and an appointment with Dr. Long again the first week of May. I had some time to sit and think about that before the nurse came in to talk to me. She asked if I had any concerns, and I told her I was concerned about the antibiotic and that my culture had come back normal. In a tone that really upset me she says, "Well, cultures aren't always accurate, and a bacteria infection can cause a miscarriage." So with tears in my eyes, I just followed her to get my bloodwork done. Apparantly I was wearing worry all over my face, and the peppy little blonde that does the blood work, asked if something was wrong. I explained to her the situation, and she told me it was in God's hands. She's right, but it didn't keep me from having a meltdown in my car in the parking deck. Typically going to the doctor since I've found out I was pregnant has made me feel better....this time..not so much.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Nerves

Tomorrow is the day that Dr. Long is supposed to release me. I go in at 12:00 for ultrasound to check on bean, then I'll meet with him to see if he thinks I'm ready. I'm feeling very nervous about this appointment. As crazy and irrational as I hope I'm being, I still think that it's too good to be true, and I feel like at any minute something horrible is going to happen. I had been feeling really positive and calm about everything, but last night my nerves just started peeking through. Yesterday at church, I was very weepy, I felt like God was speaking to me, and I felt so good when I left church. I guess the stinky devil didn't like how I was feeling so he put that fear back in me. Ugh...stinky devil. With all this being said, I'm praying for a strong healthy hearbeat tomorrow with good growth, and I'm praying for a calm and peaceful mind until then. Please keep me in your prayers as well.

On a completely different note, today was an interesting day of work. We were on our spring break last week, and so it was difficult for me to get motivated to come back to work. 28 days until summer vacation! Yay! However, 3 times since I've been pregnant, my alarm clock has magically turned itself off. I've turned my alarm clock off before and overslept, but these past 3 times I have no recollection of turning it off! I must be sleeping hard. Luckily I woke up at 7:00 am each time I've done this. I'm supposed to be at work at 7:45 (but kids usually start coming to my room around 7:30. I took the fastest shower, threw on some clothes, slapped on some make-up, and kinda fixed my hair. I made it to work at 7:38! Ta-Dah! I'm amazing, right? Once I got here I remembered that both of the paraprofessionals plus the nurse that work with me were all going to be out. 1 of the 3 substitutes are tolerable. Since I have found out I was pg, I've not been lifting my student who has CP. So, today, I had no one that could lift her. She doesn't tolerate sitting in her wheelchair for longer than 30 min at a time..so for a few minutes she was crying out in pain, and I felt so helpless. I'm sure I could safely lift, but at this point, I'm not going to do anything that might hurt bean...not after what I've done to get here. Eventually, I worked up enough courage to tell the nurse's sub that I was pg, and I can't lift. Luckily she has a strong back and he did all the lifting today...Thank Goodness! I told her that I felt like I could probably safely lift at this early stage in pregnancy, but I had been through fertility treatments, and I didn't want to risk anything. It turns out she went through fertility treatments to have her first child...very similar story as me. Then she told me that after the first one, they began talking about going back to the Dr. to start for #2 when out of the blue they conceived on their own. Praise God! I like stories like that.

Wow, I'm rambling...but, very quickly before I go I'm going to do a quick review of the other 2 substitutes. I'll call them Mr. Wrinkles and Mr. Crazy.
Mr. Wrinkles has been subbing for years. He has the best heart, but not the best hearing. He annoys the kids, but they love him at the same time. At best, Mr. Wrinkles is a warm body at best. Mr. Crazy is a new sub in our system. He is obviously very intelligent. He holds multiple degrees, and seems well informed about...well...everything EXCEPT social skills. The first time I met him, he kept calling me to the corner for a private converstaion in which he would continue to yell for the entire campus to hear. Ex: "Are these kids severely retarded?" (very loudly in front of my entire class. Each time he has subbed in my room, I have begged him to leave early in the afternoons. Most of my students are picked up at 2:30, and I really don't need him. Not to mention that he stares at me funny and it creeps me out, but he refuses to do anything differently than the schedule that the parapro has left for him. I seriously seriously think this man has Asperger's Syndrome. Bless his heart. If this is the case and he does have Aspergers, why do I have no patience with him. I do great with children with Aspergers. He's just...bizarre.

Hm, deep thoughts. Well, I've been long winded, so I think I'll stop now.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Update

I just realized it has been almost a week since I've blogged. This week has been pretty uneventful. We're finally finishing up State testing at school, and our Spring Break is next week, so we are all counting down the days, hours, and minutes.

I had an appointment with Dr. Long Monday. I wasn't really sure the purpose of the appointment, but I went ahead. I had to take a whole day off work which was a bit frustrating because my sick days are like gold to me now. Immediately, a nurse called me back and took me to the ultrasound room and told me bottoms off. I asked her if she was sure I was supposed get one since I had just had one on Friday. She checked with Dr. Long, and he said go ahead. I was shocked at how different the baby looked in just 3 days. The heartbeat was even stronger. They did find a small bleed that they must have missed on Friday's ultrasound because they said it looked like it was already clotting. She said that I shouldn't freak out if I have some brown spotting (but then she smiled and said, you'll freak out anyways--you can call if you need to.) So far, no spotting..Praise God! She also noticed some more cysts on my right ovary. On Friday I had one big cyst, now I have 3. The two cysts are smaller. She said this was pretty common and I might have some cramping. She also said that they should go away on their own in another 4-6 weeks. I didn't ask what caused the cysts, but they are on the ovary that produced the best follicles. My left ovary was lazy with the Menopur.

So, I go back on Monday for another ultrasound, and I will go back the next week on Tuesday for another consultation with Dr. Long and ultrasound. Dr. Long said at that point he will most likely release me to Dr. Heaton. I'm glad they decided to hold on to me for a few more weeks. I need the extra attention right now.

Now, for my current symptoms and mental status:

Physically:
-No morning sickness at all. I've only gotten nauseous twice. In each situation I hadn't eaten in a while. It went away immediately after I ate something.
-Bloating/Water Retention- I was already pretty overweight, so I'm sure it'll be a long time before I can see a bump, but my pants do not want to button.
-Headaches- nothing bad (nothing at all like fertility treatment headaches)...and I refuse to take anything for it since Tylenol is all I can take, and frankly..it doesn't do a thing for me.
-Sore BBs- some days worse than others. Only bothersome when I take my bra off.
-VERY vivid and bizarre dreams

Mentally:
I'm doing better than the first few weeks, but I'm still worried. Most days I do pretty good, and I'm allowing myself happiness, but occasionally the devil creeps in and puts bad thoughts in my head. I need to learn Samantha's song that she wrote early in her pregnancy.

I hope everyone has been having a good week. I read blogs daily, and I continue to pray for each of you.

Friday, April 2, 2010

God is Great!

I have been thinking about how to write this blog for a little over 2 weeks, and after all that time of thinking, I still can't think of the best, or most clever way to say this, but I'M PREGNANT! By the Grace of God, despite all of my negativity and doubt, our first attempt at IUI was successful.

If you remember from a few blog entries back, I was being a total drama queen, and I was planning on skipping my beta blood test that was scheduled for Tuesday, March 16.
Some of my prayer warriors talked me into going, and I decided to just "get it over with." On the way to get the bloodwork done, my mom called and asked me what I was doing. I responded by saying that I was going to go take a negative pregnancy test. When the nurse called with the results, with trembling voice and shaking hands, all I could say was, "Are you kidding me?" Unfortunately I didn't take this phone call in private, and the ladies that work in my classroom with me put together the puzzle pieces and began jumping for joy. The next thing I know, one of my Autistic students joined in on the fun. Bless his heart, imagine trying to explain to him that he needed to keep this a secret for a while. From there, I called my husband, and all he said was "What?" I repeated myself, then he said "Awesome!" We told our moms that evening and close friends and family, but I vowed to keep it a secret as long as I could since the beginning is so scary. I am still trying to keep it under wraps from the "general public" so if you guys don't mind, please keep this on the down low.

The thing about getting a positive pregnancy test after infertility treatments that no one really tells you, is that you can't imagine the fear that comes with a positive test. I told my husband one day when I was feeling especially worried, "I know how to be infertile and deal with all the emotion that comes with that, but I don't know how to be pregnant and deal with these fears." He kept telling me to be happy and not worry, but I couldn't stop worrying. For future reference for all of you: When you get your BFP's stay off BabyCenter's forum. There can be some good encouraging information on there, but you have to weed through the scary horror stories first.

So, lets get down to the numbers and dates:
Feb. 19 - LMP/CD 1
March 4 - IUI (low morphology, 1 mature egg)
March 16 - Beta 63
March 23 - Beta 1,676
April 2 - U/S 1 perfect bean Measuring 5w5d (I am 6 weeks today)WE SAW THE HEARTBEAT!
Beta- 5,519
Nov. 26- Early Due Date (according to the interent calculators--the Dr. hasn't said)


I took a picture of the picture with my phone, so the quality isn't too great.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Long on Monday. The nurse said she felt like since everything looked good he may want to release me early. I think this is good news, but I'm kind of hoping they hold on to me for a while. I'm sure my OB would be fine, but I think emotionally, I need ART still.

I'm asking that all of you keep Nick, myself, and BabyP in your prayers, and please know that I am praying for all of you daily.