Monday, March 29, 2010

This is neat.

I ran across this website on another blog I follow. I thought it was pretty cool, and thought I'd share.

http://fertilitysocks.org/

Friday, March 26, 2010

MIA

I know I haven't posted in a while, things have been busy busy lately. We've been taking a lot of trips to Birmingham lately to help care for my father-in-law since his surgery. His heart is doing well, but they did find a blood clot in his neck. He has been on blood thinners since his surgery and his body is all bruised from that. Also, he has been a heavy smoker for years, and now he's having some trouble with his lungs. They want to get him back in soon to run some tests on his lungs, and come up with a game plan for that blood clot. He's been really struggling to quit smoking as well. Keep him in your prayers and ask that he gain the strength to quit.

Most of you know I'm a Special Education teacher, and I have to share my latest giggle with you. For confidentiality reasons, I'm only going to refer to the students as A and B. Student A is Autistic and possibly one of my all time favorite students (yes, I have a favorite...I'm a bad teacher) His scooby doo boxers are always hanging out the top of his pants, and he is a big boy who hovers over me when we stand next to eachother. Student B has Down Syndrome and ADHD. He's a little guy whose speech is hard to interpret for most everyone.

This took place Monday while the students were eating their lunch together:

Student A: Hey, Student B, What is your IQ?
Student B: (Blank Stare)
Student A: Well, what is 2+2?
Student B: (Blank Stare)

Student B begins to get nervous since Student A is drilling him, and he starts to rock back and forth and make a chanting like sound over and over.

Student A: (laughing) You're silly, but it's because your brain is so small.

It may not be as funny as I remember now that I'm writing it all down, but I could not stop laughing. First of all, I couldn't figure out how in the world Student A knew what an IQ was, much less that you might be able to determine it by adding 2+2. These kids never cease to amaze me. I have some bad days here and then, but I always need to remember to give thanks for such a great job and such wonderful students.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Ooohh Oooh Ooohh Oooh Oooooooh...

I got a new attitude! Or, at least I'm trying. =) It's been a crazy weekend. Nick's dad went into the hospital Thursday for shortness of breath, and it ended up that he needed triple bypass. He had surgery Friday. The surgery went fine, only now he isn't acting like him self, he'll get hung up on one certain word, like "okay" or "hey" stare off into space, not very responsive. They did a CT scan today and it came back ok, but they need to do an MRI because they think he's got blood clots in his brain. They have to wait until tomorrow to do the MRI because he still has the pacemaker wires in. This is scary business. So while all of this is going on, I was still in my crazy, emotinal, irration, depression. I wasn't being the most supportive wife to my husband, and he was at his wits end with my foul mood, and crying. So yesterday evening we had the most honest conversation with eachother, and I really feel better about everything. He's working on being more open with me, and I'm working on finding my "happy" again and trying not to let infertility define me. Be impressed, all of this is while I'm waiting on AF to show up. Since Nick's dad is at St. Vincents, we will be in B'ham until late, so I'm going to take a separate car and stay with my friend Hayden Monday night. I'm going to suck it up, and just go take the blood pregnancy test, then head into work. I'm at peace with not being pregnant this month, because my husband has agreed that we will start the adoption process at the end of this year. We are going to continue with treatments until then, but we know we want a child...although we would absolutely adore a bilogical child, we will have a family no matter what. I am looking forward to a month of no medication...we decided it wouldn't make any sense to persue treatment until Nick's boys had further testing. Continue to pray for us, and pray for Nick's dad. Have a great week!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Question

Well, I broke down and took a pg test today, and of course BFN. I didn't really expect any differently. Now here's my question. Do I still have to go to ART to let them do blook work? I mean I really don't need them to confirm what I already know. I don't need to drive an hour, use my gas, pay for parking, pay my co-pay, for them to tell me something I know the answer to. We've decided to take next month off, I need an emotional break, and we need to try to save some money, plus I thought it would be stupid to try again until the Dr. figures out if DH's swimmers are even able to penetrate an egg. So I thought about just saying "oops I've started my period--I won't be coming in today" when my period isn't due until 2 days after my scheduled pregnancy test. But then, I hate to lie. I just don't want them to tell me I have to come in, or try to plant some false hope in me, by telling me my home pregnancy test may not be accurate. Thoughts?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Are you okay?

It has been several weeks since someone at work has pulled me aside and asked that...until today. I went to the teacher's lounge to make some copies, and our secretary got that look. The "I have sympathy for you so I'm going to lower my brows and tilt my head sideways" look. Then comes the question. "Are you okay?" Such a simple question shouldn't throw a person off guard, but for an infertile like me who has come off of a hormonal weekend, I guess my reaction wansn't the best. I just looked her square in the face and replied with a simple "no" and went on with my copying. I really have to stop reacting this way, I was just so disappointed in myself because I thought I was doing a good job at masking my pain. She went on to say something along the lines of "I hate seeing you do this to yourself"....and I mumbled something about "if it doesn't kill me, I think I'm supposed to come out stronger" She hugged me and left me to my copying. After several hours of reflecting on this little incident, I've decided I need to go tell the secretary that I'm okay that she just caught me coming off a bad weekend, and I've also decided I need to try to find the happy me again. I can see glimpses of the happy me, but it should be far more than mere glimpses. So, tonight I'm going to attend a Premier Jewelry Party that I had planned on skipping because I wanted to avoid my friends with kids...and I refuse to let the fact that they have kids (and I don't) keep me from having a good time. Tomorrow, I'm going to the StarDome for my birthay with some other friends. I can be happy. I can be happy. I CAN be happy.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Hormonal Blogging...

could be worse than drunk dialing, in my opinion. Not that I do either of those things frequently, but yesterday the blogging one got the best of me. As, I was writing my blog about our first IUI, out of no where it took some marginally upsetting news and turned it in to the end of the world. I'm sure you can all relate, I ended up laying in my bed crying and screaming at God. I know...not good. Today, things look a little differently. We're going to try to hope for the best this cycle, and try to financially squeeze in another cycle after this, then we'll worry about the rest after that.

My family is coming over tomorrow from Albertville for my nephew's and my birthday. We are going to have lunch at my house, then go to FunZone. Doesn't that sound fun? I hope going to a whole zone of fun will take my mind to a happy place for a while. Until then, I'm stuck cleaning my house. It's ridiculous the amount of dog hair I just got out of my kitchen floor. I sure do love my Golden Retriever, but maybe raising him as an inside dog wasn't such a good idea. Oh well, he's 9 now, and there are no changing his living conditions now. He hates it outside, plus we don't have a fenced in yard, and Brody like to roam the neighborhood.

Well, I guess I'm going to get back to the daily grind.

Friday, March 5, 2010

My 1st IUI experience

Well, yesterday was an eventful experience. I'm sure all of you know the drill of the IUI, but as a first timer...we had some giggles for sure. We weren't sure if wives typically go to the "men's area" to help with their part of the job, so I went ahead and headed that way with him. It turns out, I was just a distraction, so I was banned from the room lol. Waiting for my appointment seemed like an eternity. We went down to Starbucks and ran into a coach from the high school that was waiting on his baby. I was happy for him. He and his wife had fertility struggles, then adopted a son a few years ago. This baby was a complete surprise and miracle.

Back on track, so when we finally got called back for the IUI, I was just amused at the whole, "state your name" session, and signatures that they did. I understand the importance of this, but for some reason, when someone knows my name and they ask me to state my name, it kinda makes me feel like a psychiactric patient. The procedure itself wasn't too bad. Like Samantha suggested, I just picked a spot on the ceiling and it was done in no time...just a little discomfort, noting major. Then we did the run down the hall in a sheet manuver to the u/s room. It determined that my egg did release.

On a more grim note. Dr. Long mentioned to us that Nick's SA showed that his numbers were good, but morphology wasn't great. He suggested taking fertility blend for men. Why was this not addressed before they were about to inject his boys? He kinda just played it off like it wasn't too big of a deal. Today, we get a message from the nurses, that painted an even more grim picture. The nurse said the numbers weren't as good as Dr. Long had made us feel they were, then she said they wanted to do a test to see if his swimmers were able to penetrate an egg. Of course insurance doesn't cover this test, and it runs about $400 dollars.

So, like that I go from hopeful to wanting to just quit trying all together. Not only am I a factor in our fertility struggles, now my DH is too. Makes my attempt at the IUI yesterday with one measly egg just a waste of effort. I know I'm supposed to be pulling my faith together right now, and trying to be strong, but I'm just angry. For the first time, DH is showing his stress about this whole situation...he's texting me from work now. I think I'll just go crawl back in bed today.

So, now my husband tells me that he's sorry but he doesn't think we can afford this anymore. He thinks maybe we'll get pg trying naturally. I don't think so. I'm kind of at a loss right now.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Thank You!

I just wanted to say Thank You to all of you that left such encouraging words on my last entry. Today's visit made me feel better, and a little more understanding of the numbers and process. My E2 was 291 and my biggest follicle was 1.9, so I'm content with that. I trigger tonight and go in for my first IUI on Thursday.

So, do any of you do anything differently on the day of your IUI? I decided to just take the day off since I'd be missing most of the school day anyways, then I got a wild hair and scheduled myself a massage for afterwards. It's also the night of the Rascal Flatts concert in Huntsville. My DH has already texted me and told me he didn't want me to go because it would be "too stressful" from what I read online, women are fine to continue their normal activities. What do you think?

On another note, on the elevator ride to the office was interesting. I recognized the girl that was in the elevator. It was my sister's college roommate! So, I broke the awkward silence in the waiting room, it turns out she was there to see Dr. Long too. Fortunately, she was there with good news....a positive pregnancy test. Then, on my way out, I saw Liz!

I believe you are all right, we need to schedule a Mid-March Mental Health Fertilifriend meeting. =) Anyone want to volunteer a house, or a coffee shop?

Monday, March 1, 2010

Uncertainty

As I progress through this month with my new doctor, I realize how uncertain I am about this whole process. I doubt my every move, question what's best for my body, and wonder if things will ever turn out. I went Saturday for u/s and blood work, and my E2 level was 109 and Progesterone .4; my largest follicle size was 1.3 This made me sad, although I'm not quite sure it should. Continued with more Menopur and then I went back this morning and my E2 was 232 and Progesterone .5 with my biggest follicle size 1.6 took one final day of Menopur. I go back tomorrow morning. I have no idea if any of these numbers will be good enough to get me pregnant this month, and I never know what questions to ask when I'm there. I really liked the nurse that did my u/s today, I think her name was Anne. My current worries are that, I won't get to do IUI because my numbers aren't better, but if I do get to go ahead with IUI it won't work because my numbers aren't better. It seems like I've become so accustomed to bad news, that I'm not sure if anything is good news. I need imput or translation of numbers. Help me out ladies.

When I went back to Southern to get more Menopur, the pharmacist says, "You know you have a $2000 cap on insurance, right?" Uh...no I've already used most of that in the last 2 months. My insurance has been covering 50% of my meds so far, and we've been struggling. I don't know how all these other women do it for so long. I guess I chose the wrong career path. Teacher's salary and infertility treatments don't mix. Where do I go from here? Loans? Asking loved ones for help? What are all of you doing?

Another bummer, I didn't go to the monthly Resolve meeting tonight. I could have used the fellowship. I just couldn't justify driving down twice in one day, and then having to turn around and go again first thing in the morning. I wish the meetings were bi-monthly...especially in long months like this one looks like it's going to be.

Oh, on another note, I think there is something wrong with me. Every time I go to the doctor, I catch myself longing to know the stories of all the other women and couples in the waiting room. I think it's because I've felt so alone lately. My friends and family (and even husband) are doing their best to try to understand what I'm going through, but I feel so isolated and uninvolved in their lives. I guess I long for new friendships with women that are in similar situations as myself. Have you ever noticed the stiffness in those waiting rooms? I swear everyones eyes are wondering trying to figure out what CD is is for the girl in the green sweater, or how many years the lady with her nose in a book has been trying, or if anyone's diagnosis is worse than mine. Is it just me? Or are any of you thinking and wondering the same thing. Why is everyone so afraid to talk to one another? One day, I'm going to build up the courage to just strike up a converstion. Maybe I'll meet a new friend.