Monday, March 1, 2010

Uncertainty

As I progress through this month with my new doctor, I realize how uncertain I am about this whole process. I doubt my every move, question what's best for my body, and wonder if things will ever turn out. I went Saturday for u/s and blood work, and my E2 level was 109 and Progesterone .4; my largest follicle size was 1.3 This made me sad, although I'm not quite sure it should. Continued with more Menopur and then I went back this morning and my E2 was 232 and Progesterone .5 with my biggest follicle size 1.6 took one final day of Menopur. I go back tomorrow morning. I have no idea if any of these numbers will be good enough to get me pregnant this month, and I never know what questions to ask when I'm there. I really liked the nurse that did my u/s today, I think her name was Anne. My current worries are that, I won't get to do IUI because my numbers aren't better, but if I do get to go ahead with IUI it won't work because my numbers aren't better. It seems like I've become so accustomed to bad news, that I'm not sure if anything is good news. I need imput or translation of numbers. Help me out ladies.

When I went back to Southern to get more Menopur, the pharmacist says, "You know you have a $2000 cap on insurance, right?" Uh...no I've already used most of that in the last 2 months. My insurance has been covering 50% of my meds so far, and we've been struggling. I don't know how all these other women do it for so long. I guess I chose the wrong career path. Teacher's salary and infertility treatments don't mix. Where do I go from here? Loans? Asking loved ones for help? What are all of you doing?

Another bummer, I didn't go to the monthly Resolve meeting tonight. I could have used the fellowship. I just couldn't justify driving down twice in one day, and then having to turn around and go again first thing in the morning. I wish the meetings were bi-monthly...especially in long months like this one looks like it's going to be.

Oh, on another note, I think there is something wrong with me. Every time I go to the doctor, I catch myself longing to know the stories of all the other women and couples in the waiting room. I think it's because I've felt so alone lately. My friends and family (and even husband) are doing their best to try to understand what I'm going through, but I feel so isolated and uninvolved in their lives. I guess I long for new friendships with women that are in similar situations as myself. Have you ever noticed the stiffness in those waiting rooms? I swear everyones eyes are wondering trying to figure out what CD is is for the girl in the green sweater, or how many years the lady with her nose in a book has been trying, or if anyone's diagnosis is worse than mine. Is it just me? Or are any of you thinking and wondering the same thing. Why is everyone so afraid to talk to one another? One day, I'm going to build up the courage to just strike up a converstion. Maybe I'll meet a new friend.

6 comments:

  1. We missed you at the meeting tonight! Anytime you're in town and want to meet up, let me know! Or maybe some weekend, we could get a few people together for coffee and a mid-month sanity check.

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  2. I wish we could schedule our appointments so we could sit in the waiting room together :( always know I'm here if you need to talk!

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  3. I know what you mean about the new friends and the waiting room. I wrote a post about the waiting room. To me it is a very strange place.
    I've made several new friends this year that either really understand IF or have been through it themselves. I feel like I dont have anything in common with my old friends anymore.

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  4. Rachel, I have an appointment tomorrow morning too. But I am sure you go as early as you can to get back to work. I am going at 9. Know I will be thinking about you, and if you need anything let me know. Also if you ever want to come down the night before you are welcome at our home. As for the waiting room, I always want to know what is going on too. I always wonder if people are right where I am. But yet knowing some of them are getting good news or bad news or just continuing the same thing they always have. I am with Brandy we could always do a mid month coffee get together or at someone's house. Praying for you tomorrow.
    Liz
    (Resolve)

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  5. Sounds like you have some great support from the Resolve group! That's awesome that you have a group closeish by! :) I agree that you are not crazy wanting to figure out everyone's else's stories in the waiting room. I think it is natural to want to find someone who KNOWS what you are going through, someone that you can CONNECT with. I say strike up a conversation! :) I am sorry you have been having so many doubts recently...TRY and I know it is hard, but TRY to trust that the LORD IS IN CONTROL. He WILL work out all the details in His timing. He doesn't want us to live our lives in anxiety and fear, He wants us to relax in His sovereignty.

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  6. I was just telling my friend K the same thing- here we are, infertile people feeling alone in the world, and yet the ONE place where we ALL go, no one talks to each other there either! Haha! Sometimes I want to say, hey, do you have a blog? :) Will be praying that you continue to progress well and this IUI will be a great success!

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