Monday, June 21, 2010

Father's Day

Yesterday was a little tricky for me. I tried not to think about it too much, but inevitably around 4:00 yesterday, the emotions started coming back.
-I wish I could make my husband a father.
-I wish hearing of others pregnancies didn't make me hurt.
-I wish I could focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
-I wish we were doing treatments next month.
-I wish someone would give me a baby.
-I wish my friends and family could understand.
-I wish someone could just "fix-it."
-I wish I had my baby back.
-I wish I wasn't wishing.
-I wish I could just let go and have fun.
-I wish letting go was easier.
-I wish my best friend wouldn't read this post and think I need therapy.
-I wish I didn't feel like 28 was old.

Oh, what am I kidding? I could go on forever.... All things considered, I feel like I've done a pretty good job of dealing with everything, thanks to God. I'm just having a few down days right? Please tell me this too, shall pass.

I've been trying to lose some weight since the miscarriage, and I did well for the first 2 weeks. This weekend I completely blew it, and the scales told me all about it this morning. On that final wish. I wish that food wasn't my comfort.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Summer Days

It's been a while since I've blogged, and though there is nothing really new in the fertility world to update on, I thought I'd let everyone one know what I've been up to. Summer is in full swing, and it's hard to believe that June is half way over. I've spent a few days by friends pools, more days recovering from the sunburn of those days, one day at a teacher workshop, and several evening keeping babies at VBS.

Two Sunday's ago we joined Crosshaven Church, which is a big step for us. I've been church "homeless" for quite some time. As a child, my mom had my sisters and I in church every time the doors were open. When I was a teenager, my church went through a horrible split, and I saw a lot of God's people, whom I had looked up to all my life, act in horrible ways. There's nothing quite like seeing christian people yell at each other in the sanctuary after a prayer meeting on a Sunday evening. My mother and I parted from the church with the pastor, and a small group of followers, and The Fellowship was created. I attended, and I enjoyed church, but I still felt like things were a bit of a mess. It wasn't long after joining that I became a paid employee of the church, and I tucked myself away in the nursery caring for the babies. I enjoyed it, but I missed church. The few times I was able to attend a service, all anyone knew to say to me was "who's watching the nursery?" About that time, I moved away from home, to an apartment in Jacksonville while I was in college. I tried to plug myself in the BCM, but my roommate and I never felt like we were a part of the group, so eventually we quit attending. When I married Nick, and we moved to Cullman, finding a church home wasn't my number 1 priority, but I did have some guilt about not attending. So, it wasn't long before I found another paid nursery job at FUMC in Cullman. I loved the church, loved the families, but still felt like I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. After a few years of working in the nursery, and really struggling with infertility, I felt called to find a church home. My husband was finally open to the idea, so I resigned from my nursery job, and we started the church home hunt. It didn't take long before we found where we were comfortable. I feel really blessed to be a member of Crosshaven, and the people there are so genuine.

I feel blessed, that through my miscarriage, I have been able to become closer with God. My faith had been suffering for quite some time, and I truly know what it feels like to be held in God's loving and comforting arms. I now know, that no matter what we endure here on Earth, it will all be worth it in the end. I remember saying once that I knew God had a plan for me...but I hated his plan. Now, I can say that God's plan may not be what I want, but it still holds good things for me. I also know that one day, I will hold my little baby in heaven some day. My baby, Hope (as I have been to referring him/her as) learned how to rest in God's arms long before I did, and I have peace in that.

I still struggle from time to time with my infertility mania. Last night specifically was a moment of weakness, as I know that sometime this week is "day 14" and it's hard not to try. I reminded myself this morning, that I've got to stop putting fertility before God. It's something I need continued prayer for. I'd also like to request prayer for a personal situation that has presented itself in my life. There is a big opportunity, that we don't want to jump into unless it's God's plan for us. Just pray that we'll have God's wisdom in our decision making, and that what is meant to happen will happen.

I want each of you to know that I've been following your blogs, even if I haven't commented. Like a few others have mentioned, sometimes I don't comment because it's too hard, or I just don't know the right words to say. Just know that I pray for each of you in your journey to matter where you are.

Friday, June 4, 2010

It's official...

I'm no longer pregnant. Well according to numbers anyways. AF started to show up a few days ago, and "officially" started yesterday. It's been very heavy and uncomfortable. We're taking time off from treatments, but the nurse told me that I still needed to come in for basline u/s and blood work. I get there this morning, and take my bottoms off and get on the table, heavy aunt flo with me...and then she asks me if I have my meds ordered. I told her I wasn't doing treatments, and she asked what I was doing there. UGH. She told me to get dressed and just get some blood drawn. Such a waste of a trip.

By regluar blood girl wasn't there, and it took 3 sticks to get the blood. The vein on my hand is blown. UGH. I checked my voice mail, and in a chipper voice I hear this: "We have the results from your pregancy test. It's was negative, so your pregnancy is resolved!" Hm....mixed feelings here. I'm not feeling so "resolved" about the whole thing. Sure, I'm glad, there aren't any lingering cells doing bad things down there, keeping my beta up....but I was supposed to have a baby growing in there, and now I don't. I feel quite unresolved actually. UGH.

On a positive note, driving to B'ham wasn't a total bust, I got to hang out with 2 of my friends from high school. It was good to spend time with them. I'm about to head to my sisters to play Just Dance on her Wii...that game is so fun.

Have a good weekend all, I'm thinking about all of you--no matter where you are in your journey.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I know I'm being super bloggy tonight, but I keep finding things that I want to remember and want to share.

I wish I would have read this on Mother's Day.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown

Also, if you haven't heard "I Will Carry You" by Selah you need to.

Glory Baby

I've not heard this song, but a friend told me about it and I wanted to share the lyrics with you.

Watermark: Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…