It's been a while since I've blogged, and though there is nothing really new in the fertility world to update on, I thought I'd let everyone one know what I've been up to. Summer is in full swing, and it's hard to believe that June is half way over. I've spent a few days by friends pools, more days recovering from the sunburn of those days, one day at a teacher workshop, and several evening keeping babies at VBS.
Two Sunday's ago we joined Crosshaven Church, which is a big step for us. I've been church "homeless" for quite some time. As a child, my mom had my sisters and I in church every time the doors were open. When I was a teenager, my church went through a horrible split, and I saw a lot of God's people, whom I had looked up to all my life, act in horrible ways. There's nothing quite like seeing christian people yell at each other in the sanctuary after a prayer meeting on a Sunday evening. My mother and I parted from the church with the pastor, and a small group of followers, and The Fellowship was created. I attended, and I enjoyed church, but I still felt like things were a bit of a mess. It wasn't long after joining that I became a paid employee of the church, and I tucked myself away in the nursery caring for the babies. I enjoyed it, but I missed church. The few times I was able to attend a service, all anyone knew to say to me was "who's watching the nursery?" About that time, I moved away from home, to an apartment in Jacksonville while I was in college. I tried to plug myself in the BCM, but my roommate and I never felt like we were a part of the group, so eventually we quit attending. When I married Nick, and we moved to Cullman, finding a church home wasn't my number 1 priority, but I did have some guilt about not attending. So, it wasn't long before I found another paid nursery job at FUMC in Cullman. I loved the church, loved the families, but still felt like I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. After a few years of working in the nursery, and really struggling with infertility, I felt called to find a church home. My husband was finally open to the idea, so I resigned from my nursery job, and we started the church home hunt. It didn't take long before we found where we were comfortable. I feel really blessed to be a member of Crosshaven, and the people there are so genuine.
I feel blessed, that through my miscarriage, I have been able to become closer with God. My faith had been suffering for quite some time, and I truly know what it feels like to be held in God's loving and comforting arms. I now know, that no matter what we endure here on Earth, it will all be worth it in the end. I remember saying once that I knew God had a plan for me...but I hated his plan. Now, I can say that God's plan may not be what I want, but it still holds good things for me. I also know that one day, I will hold my little baby in heaven some day. My baby, Hope (as I have been to referring him/her as) learned how to rest in God's arms long before I did, and I have peace in that.
I still struggle from time to time with my infertility mania. Last night specifically was a moment of weakness, as I know that sometime this week is "day 14" and it's hard not to try. I reminded myself this morning, that I've got to stop putting fertility before God. It's something I need continued prayer for. I'd also like to request prayer for a personal situation that has presented itself in my life. There is a big opportunity, that we don't want to jump into unless it's God's plan for us. Just pray that we'll have God's wisdom in our decision making, and that what is meant to happen will happen.
I want each of you to know that I've been following your blogs, even if I haven't commented. Like a few others have mentioned, sometimes I don't comment because it's too hard, or I just don't know the right words to say. Just know that I pray for each of you in your journey to parenthood...no matter where you are.