A friend of mine, Hayden-therapist in training, suggested I do this little exercise, and I thought I'd give it a shot.
I've never known such hatred, sadness, guilt, and despair since you came into my life. You've ruined everything that I thought I would be. You've taken a toll on my heart, body, and mind. You have broken me. You've put strain on my relationships, and you've pushed resentment and jealousy into my heart. You have turned me into a woman obsessed with wanting what she can't have. You have placed doubt and uncertainty in every aspect of my being. You've hurt so many of us, in turn adding more hurt in my life for the others surrounding me that have to know you. You've shattered so many dreams, and literally made my life a living hell. You've made it difficult for me to find happiness in things that should bring me joy. You've robbed me from sharing motherhood with my sisters and my friends. You've robbed me of myself. Worst of all, once I felt like I had beaten you, you killed my baby. My womb is empty, my arms are empty, and my heart is empty. There is nothing or anyone else to blame, but you. I hate you, infertility. I hate you.
Ok, now that THAT is out of my system! Whew, I really do feel better. I realize that I've been carrying a lot of blame for my infertility. I've felt shamed that I can't reproduce like every "normal" woman is supposed to. I've also felt a lot of shame for losing the baby. When I found out I had ACL, I looked at my husband and said, "I killed our baby." I realize now, it's nothing I did, or could control, but it sure feels good to put the blame on something else.
So, for all of you Gleeks out there...yes Kara, I'm talking to you too. =) There was an episode when Rachel and her mother were singing together prior to being reunited. I absolutely blubbered like a baby when I watched. I finally got around to buying the Glee Vol. 3 soundtrack and the song is on there. It's from Les Miserables originally, and Glee cut some lyrics out and modified a little bit, but I want to share them with you, and tell you how I relate to them.
I Dreamed a Dream
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Do you remember when everything seemed so hopeful, before infertility?
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
I wish I could go back to the time when I had no worries..I long for the innocence and life I had before infertility.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they turn your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
My tigers are infertility, depression, anger, jealousy, guilt, resentment.
And still I dream she'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I still dream about my child, and how my life would be different with her here with me, but then when I realize it can't ever be...it kills me.
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
This part speaks for itself.
I know it's cheesy to get so emotionally caught up in a song...especially if it's from Glee, but I really felt like I needed to share it with everyone.
I hope everyone has a nice weekend. TRY to relax and have a good time. Remember those who died for our freedom, and those who continue to fight, as well as their families who may be missing them right now. God Bless America!