I don't like the word "Cancel"

Well, I was right. My estrogen only went up to 75, and that ugly cancel word popped up again. I am definitely changing doctors. I'm thinking someone in with ART. I've heard from a few people that Dr. Long was good. I'm anxious about the change, but I knew, and Dr. Snowden also knew it was time for me to move on. My DH and I have decided to do our best to relax for the rest of this month...I may even allow myself some caffeine and artificial sweeteners! Whoo hoo livin' on the edge!

I just got home from my little weekend get away. My husband is an avid hunter, and since this was the last weekend of deer season, I decided to join him. I don't hunt, but I just like to get away...read..socialize with his huntin' buddies. Nick had some business to take care of in Wedowee tomorrow, so he stayed behind, and I drove his truck home. It made me feel manly--all the mud caked up on it. Dirt roads were a bit sketchy to drive on. I stopped in Albertville on my way home and had lunch with my friend Hayden and her mom (I arrived at their house just as lunch was ready =) Then I went and spent some time with my mom. It was nice. Mom helped me research new doctors.

Well, laundry calls...or should I cancel laundry? Evil Word!!!!

UGH!!!

Ok, God...I'm tired of being infertile now.

So, I went back to the dr. yesteday for CD8 u/s and blood work. Estrogen level: 44 UGH!!! I continued with 2 more days of the Follistim injections, and I have to go back in the morning, but I'm sure it's still going to be bad. I'm almost sure they're going to cancel the rest of the treatment for the month. I'm so frustrated. I'm also changing doctors next month. Any suggestions for Birmingham?

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I wish for just once in my life that the world would be still, stop spinning, everyone would stop doing what they were doing, so that I could catch up. The problem is that it's never going to do that for me. The world will go on spining, people will go on with their lives, women will get pregnant, families will grow, and I'll just be here waiting. I'm waiting for my turn to shine, my turn to get pregnant, my turn to start a family.

I've had a rough few days. They haven't been the worst days I've had by far, but I just have that nagging empty feeling, the jealous feeling, the angry feeling. Today is CD7, my last 50IU injection of Follistim in my belly tonight...unless they tell me otherwise at my appointment in the morning. I know it's early in my cycle for my follies to be ready, but I'm nervous about tomorrow because I know it'll be the first day of blood work to check my estrogen. Last cycle, everything was cancelled because my estrogen was so low. I really can't handle another cancelled cycle. Last night I told my DH to cheer for my follies to grow and my estrogen to rise. He did, it was cute. I hope it works.

On another note, I signed up for "Scale Back Alabama" yesterday. I'm fat and infertile..not a good combination. I just hope that I quit retaining water with this Follistim. I put on 3 lbs in one day of just water weight! That's nuts!!!!

Hidy Ho Aunt Flo!

I'm not frequently excited to see Aunt Flo's arrival, but this morning I have to admit it was a not so terrifying experience. Althought it didn't keep my DH and I from trying, we both knew this month was shot. I'm looking at Aunt Flo's arrival as a positive things. It's a new beginning, a new cycle, a new chance. I never decided what I wanted to do about switching doctors, so I called St. Vincents this morning and set up my CD3 u/s. I go in Saturday at 9:15. I was kind of glad it fell that way, because that's one less day I have to be late to work. I'm kind of anxious about what our plan for this month will be. Last month we were supposed to start with Follistim and try our shot at our first IUI, but my estrogen had different plans. I'm really hoping that we can go ahead with these plans this month. I want to have faith that this will be our month, but there is always that negative part of my brain telling me not to get my hopes up. Everyone just pray for me. If you don't pray...at least think happy thoughts for me.

I feel like I've made a lot of progress in dealing with all the pregnancy around me. Don't get me wrong, I would have rather dug a whole and just tucked myself in tight until the next 9 months or so passed by, but the issue would have still been there when I emerged. I have to remind myself, that in the same way infertility is in my every thought, and it seeps its way into every conversation, a person who is pregnant is going through a similar situation. They just have happier thoughts than mine. Ha!

I'm really having to do some soul searching, and I'm trying to figure out what God's plan is. I feel like he's been speaking to me, and I need to get myself in order! Nick and I are about to start shopping for a home church, and I'm very excited. I had to make a sacrifice in order to do this though. I had to resign from my nursery job at FUMC. I just went and spoke with my boss today. It was bitter sweet. I love those babies, but I really feel like I'm doing what God wants me to do, and who can deny that, right?

Until next time!

Funk

I'm in a funk tonight. My husband is hunting out of town again tonight, and I just got home from working at our school's pageant. I don't love the idea of pageants anyways, much less pageants for middle school girls. That's such a hard time for girls. The pageant itself isn't what got me down though. The teacher that organizes the pageant is pregnant. I just found out before Christmas break, and she wasn't telling anyone yet, but she was really showing tonight. I hated it, but every time I saw her, my eyes fell to her stomach and I was just overwhelmed with sadness and jealousy.

So then, I get home...to an empty house....Augh! It doesn't help that things are also awkward with my friend who lives close by, who I would usually call when I had nothing to do. She too has just found out good news. She doesn't really know how to talk to me and vice versa. So I'm just lonely, sad, and jealous. And those aren't endearing qualities.

I think I just need to go to bed and pray I wake up in a better mood.

Biggest Loser

I have faithfully watched every season of The Biggest Loser, except the one where the winner has now gained all his weight back. For Christmas, my dear sweet husband bought me a Wii and a Wii Fit. I didn't have to drop many hints at all either. Okay, I confess..that's a lie. I only told him every other day since my friend's birthday at the beginning of November when she got one. But, that's beside the point. I got the Wii didn't I? My parents, per my request bought several accessories and games for me for Christmas as well. I had asked for a Yoga game, thinking that Yoga would ease my infertility stresses, but Mom couldn't find the one I was talking about so she got me The Biggest Loser fit game. I have to admit I was a bit afraid of this game, since I have in the past owned 2 Biggest Loser workout dvds and done them a total of 2 times before deciding that Bob and Jillian just weren't for me.

So, the first time I played the game was the first day I opened my Wii and Wii Fit, and I was way too excited to read the instructions. I weighed in and noticed that it was weighing me roughly 10 lbs. less than I really weigh. I kinda liked it, so I didn't worry that there was something wrong with my board. Two days later, I read that if I am using the wii fit board on carpet I should put the included extra feet on the bottom of it. Ah ha! Needless to say, it weighs me pretty accurately now. I've only played the game 3 times to date. The second time I didn't have to weigh in yet, because it was not elimination time. Today, the third time I played, I had to weigh in. Uh oh. I have lost 5 lbs since I played last, but I knew that it would still put me at a gain. Sadly, as expected, I fell below the yellow line. However, the girl that fell below with me is the one that go eliminated. Bob yelled at me. He told me I barely escaped that elimination and that I'd better step it up. New goal: don't let Bob down. Ha!

On a completely different note, my dear friend Lance should start a blog. Leah, I think he's "thinking about it." You should hound him with me until he does. I think I'm going to end up loving this thing.

Resolution Resolve

I know I only have a total of 2 readers, but I'm okay with that. I'm going to try to work on blogging more to help my sanity throughout my fertility treatments. I've been having a really hard time since before Christmas, and bad news has seemed to be a constant in my life since then. My hormones didn't cooperate this month. I took only 50mg of Clomid after being on 150mg. They were going to start me on follistim with HCG and IUI. New Years Eve they informed me that my estrogen was less than 20, and they require a minimum of 200 to get the go ahead on further treatment. So, no treatments for January. I've been instructed to call when AF starts. Ugh. I've found out some other information that has been a bit devastating to me although I'm not at liberty to share it on my blog right now. Maybe later, but I'm learning to deal.

A while back, when I was having a particularly bad day, I remembered seeing a handout for a support group in the waiting room of the infertility department at St. Vincents. I looked up Resolve online, and found that there was a peer led support group. I emailed the contact that day and told her I was interested in coming. They meet the first Monday of every month. I had to wait a few weeks, but the meeting couldn't have come at a better time. I had gotten in to one of the deepest funks I had ever been in, school was starting back, and already there was some issues at work. Even though I would have rather gone home and crawled back in bed after the first day back to work, I somehow mustered up the energy and courage to just go. The meeting was going to be held in Homewood at a restaurant. My car wouldn't start when I got in to go, but luckily my sister had left her car at my house while she was at a conference for work. So, I'm a pretty big baby when it comes to driving in B'ham anyways, and I was in an unfamiliar car, but at this point I wasn't going let anything stop me......until-I messed up on 280 and got off the wrong exit. After about 20 min. driving around (or sitting still in traffic) on the phone with Hayden. I finally got there. I almost gave up and just went home, but my dear friend wouldn't allow me. She knows me, and gets the whole panic thing about me, but doesn't give in to it. Props to Hayden!

Ok, so now on to the meeting. There ended up being about 9 of us. I was quite nervous at first, and didn't really know if and when I should speak up, but after hearing all of these ladies saying things that I've thought a thousand times in the last few months, I began to really feel like there was no place in the world that I would have rather been in that moment than with those women, at that table, in the semi-private "cubical" of Dodiyo's. So many people in my life have really tried to be supportive, and managed to say all the wrong things. Not necessarily because they were the wrong things, but because they were coming from someone who had absolutely no idea what I was feeling and going through. With each woman that spoke, I honestly felt like my sanity was coming back, I felt calm, I felt comfortable. There was also a lot of really good information. I'm praying about changing doctors. I feel like the change will most likely happen, but I'm not sure about the timing of it all. I have reservations about the treatment I'm getting now, I've never met the doctor herself (just nurses) and the last 2 months treatment has been cancelled. I also have Reservations with starting with ART--it seems like IVF is pretty standard there, and that my be what it takes to get me pregnant, but in this moment in time, I think I need more time to try to figure out my finances before I take that step. I'll continue to pray until is seems clear to me.

I didn't intend for this entry to be so long, and I've only covered half of my blog title. Very quickly I'll tell you my Resolutions.

1. I want to be able to deal with my infertility better. I want to try to keep my emotions in check, and start doing things for myself.

2. I want to take care of my body more. I'm typically one of those people who eats away their sorrows--which couldn't be worse for fertility. Thanks to my Wii-and a very new and strange "loss of appetite" I've been experiencing, I think I'm off to a good start.

3. Trust God more. I've had a lot of anger issues with him lately. Everyone has been telling me that it's all in God's timing, and it would just make me all the more angry. I need to embrace the fact that God has it under control. My faith needs to pump some iron and get strong too.

4. Refuse to let people run all over me. I'm so timid sometimes, and I hate conflict so much, that I let people get the best of me so I just don't have to deal with drama. No more. (Note to self: This does NOT mean getting in a screaming match at work) --if you have questions just let me know. Ha!

Well, I guess I'm gonna wrap this up by saying that Yesterday and Today were what I would refer to as "good" days. I let one tear escape me yesterday, and today not a one! Progress!

I would die for that

I Would die for That Lyrics

Kelley Coffey

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.