Resolution Resolve

I know I only have a total of 2 readers, but I'm okay with that. I'm going to try to work on blogging more to help my sanity throughout my fertility treatments. I've been having a really hard time since before Christmas, and bad news has seemed to be a constant in my life since then. My hormones didn't cooperate this month. I took only 50mg of Clomid after being on 150mg. They were going to start me on follistim with HCG and IUI. New Years Eve they informed me that my estrogen was less than 20, and they require a minimum of 200 to get the go ahead on further treatment. So, no treatments for January. I've been instructed to call when AF starts. Ugh. I've found out some other information that has been a bit devastating to me although I'm not at liberty to share it on my blog right now. Maybe later, but I'm learning to deal.

A while back, when I was having a particularly bad day, I remembered seeing a handout for a support group in the waiting room of the infertility department at St. Vincents. I looked up Resolve online, and found that there was a peer led support group. I emailed the contact that day and told her I was interested in coming. They meet the first Monday of every month. I had to wait a few weeks, but the meeting couldn't have come at a better time. I had gotten in to one of the deepest funks I had ever been in, school was starting back, and already there was some issues at work. Even though I would have rather gone home and crawled back in bed after the first day back to work, I somehow mustered up the energy and courage to just go. The meeting was going to be held in Homewood at a restaurant. My car wouldn't start when I got in to go, but luckily my sister had left her car at my house while she was at a conference for work. So, I'm a pretty big baby when it comes to driving in B'ham anyways, and I was in an unfamiliar car, but at this point I wasn't going let anything stop me......until-I messed up on 280 and got off the wrong exit. After about 20 min. driving around (or sitting still in traffic) on the phone with Hayden. I finally got there. I almost gave up and just went home, but my dear friend wouldn't allow me. She knows me, and gets the whole panic thing about me, but doesn't give in to it. Props to Hayden!

Ok, so now on to the meeting. There ended up being about 9 of us. I was quite nervous at first, and didn't really know if and when I should speak up, but after hearing all of these ladies saying things that I've thought a thousand times in the last few months, I began to really feel like there was no place in the world that I would have rather been in that moment than with those women, at that table, in the semi-private "cubical" of Dodiyo's. So many people in my life have really tried to be supportive, and managed to say all the wrong things. Not necessarily because they were the wrong things, but because they were coming from someone who had absolutely no idea what I was feeling and going through. With each woman that spoke, I honestly felt like my sanity was coming back, I felt calm, I felt comfortable. There was also a lot of really good information. I'm praying about changing doctors. I feel like the change will most likely happen, but I'm not sure about the timing of it all. I have reservations about the treatment I'm getting now, I've never met the doctor herself (just nurses) and the last 2 months treatment has been cancelled. I also have Reservations with starting with ART--it seems like IVF is pretty standard there, and that my be what it takes to get me pregnant, but in this moment in time, I think I need more time to try to figure out my finances before I take that step. I'll continue to pray until is seems clear to me.

I didn't intend for this entry to be so long, and I've only covered half of my blog title. Very quickly I'll tell you my Resolutions.

1. I want to be able to deal with my infertility better. I want to try to keep my emotions in check, and start doing things for myself.

2. I want to take care of my body more. I'm typically one of those people who eats away their sorrows--which couldn't be worse for fertility. Thanks to my Wii-and a very new and strange "loss of appetite" I've been experiencing, I think I'm off to a good start.

3. Trust God more. I've had a lot of anger issues with him lately. Everyone has been telling me that it's all in God's timing, and it would just make me all the more angry. I need to embrace the fact that God has it under control. My faith needs to pump some iron and get strong too.

4. Refuse to let people run all over me. I'm so timid sometimes, and I hate conflict so much, that I let people get the best of me so I just don't have to deal with drama. No more. (Note to self: This does NOT mean getting in a screaming match at work) --if you have questions just let me know. Ha!

Well, I guess I'm gonna wrap this up by saying that Yesterday and Today were what I would refer to as "good" days. I let one tear escape me yesterday, and today not a one! Progress!