Would Have

I would have been 12 weeks pregnant today. I'm sure there will be so many "would haves" in my future. I'm handling today okay though. I guess sometimes you just have that peace. I'm not saying that tomorrow I might be a basket case, or even later today for that matter, but right now...I'm okay.

I've been reading a devotional book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. One of the devotions that has stood out to me talks about the story of the 2 women in 1 Kings who were fighting over a baby. I've heard this story several times in my life growing up in church, but this time I had some different feelings about it. When I was young, I thought the woman who was claiming the baby was hers was an insane horrible woman. Now, I feel so sympathetic for that poor woman. I'm not saying that taking someone's baby and trying to claim it as your own is right by any means, but think about what grief she must have been feeling when she woke up and her baby was dead...and close by, just within her reach, there was another beautiful, healthy baby. Since jealousy is something I've been struggling with, I can imagine how she might have felt looking at the other baby...longing for it as if it were her own. Poor woman. I do have to say though, that I think she was a bit off her rocker, when the king said that the solution was to cut the baby in half, her response was "Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!" Bless her heart, I know that sometime in the pit of despair, I have felt that I just wanted others to feel the hurt like I do so I wouldn't be alone in my pain....but come on woman, seriously?!

Anyways, I just thought it was interesting how life experiences, no matter how good or bad can change the meaning of a story you've heard all your life.

Right after work I'm heading to B'ham for the Extraordinary Women's conference with my big sister. I pray that God speaks to me, and continues to bring me peace and strength in my hour of need. My heart goes out to Patrish right now, I'm sending love and prayers your way.

Just curious

Anyone going to the Women's Conference in B'ham this weekend?

Post-op

I went in yesterday afternoon for my post-op appointment. I was very emotional just being in the office again. Fortunately I seemed to be the only patient at ART at 1:00 yesterday, so that was helpful. I spoke with Dr. Long first, and he seemed hopeful, and I guess I seemed pessimistic. He told me that the chromosomal testing on the baby couldn't be done because the tissue didn't "grow out." Whatever that means, I couldn't really ask too many questions because I was trying not to have a nervous breakdown. I did manage to tell him, that I wanted him to do whatever testing he could to make sure this wasn't going to be something that happens over and over for me. I've heard of too many women, and read the blogs of too many women, that go through this multiple times, and I just don't know if I'm cut out for it. He pulled out his calculator and gave me some statistics, and said the odds are in my favor. In my head, I was thinking, well...the odds were in my favor last time too--and I miscarried. So far I've fallen into the wrong side of statistics. 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. *sigh* Next, he put me in the same tiny room that I had to wait in the day we found out about the miscarriage....talk about the walls closing in on me. A nurse I had never dealt with, I wanna say her name was Yvonne, or something like that came in and told me that next cycle I would do 150 menopur and 75 of prevera (not sure if I spelled that one right) Before the words, "we're going to take a break from treatments" came out of my mouth I was telling her that I still had some Follistim from St. Vincents in my fridge. She told me I could use that instead of the prevera. I guess that saves a little money. I still intend on taking a small break, but it kind of amused me that I jumped right into the planning part again, I guess I don't know how not to try. She told me that I would come in on Cycle Day 3 whenever I decide to have a period for a baseline, then I would have the dye test again....depending on what my beta was doing. She gave me some more yucky antibiotics, and a phone number for a pharmacy (Ascend) and then took me to the lab.

There is something about that lab tech that really gets my tears flowing. She noticed my necklace as she was drawing 9 viles of blood for some type of profile (does anyone remember the name of this blood profile?) She told me again about having 3 miscarriages before having her daughter, and I just told her, that she was stronger than me, and that I couldn't do it again.

They called this morning and told me my beta was 12.8 and that they'll check it again when I come in for my baselines before the dye test. I was hoping the beta would be all the way gone. It makes me sad that I still have a number...I realize that it isn't a high number, but still it's like my body doesn't want to give up.

It's strange how some one's words can bring comfort one day, and then the next they hurt. I guess the 2 pieces of advice/encouragement that bring on these mixed feelings are "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "God has a plan for you"

On a good day, I think "Yay! You're right...I can get pregnant." The next, I may think "Who cares if I can get pregnant, I have no idea if I can carry a baby to term." Or "Yes, God does have better things planned for me." but then... "I hate God's plan for me."

I know I shouldn't hate God's plan...but sometimes I do. I realize I should be looking to God for peace and strength, and sometimes I do, but sometimes I'm so angry with him. I'm angry at everyone really. I love my mom more than words, but I even resent the fact that she could have 3 children and I can't. I wish they would make an island for infertiles, so that those of us that didn't want to deal with the beauty of a pregnant woman, or a sweet babies cry could just get away from it all for a little while. I wouldn't want to live there, I'd miss my family too much...but sometimes it's just too much to take.

Still breathing

I really have a lot of guilt because I haven't shown my gratitude to those of you who have been so supportive of me through the past few weeks. I really do appreciate everything you've done, all the uplifting comments, prayers and thoughts. I don't want any of you to think for one second that I don't appreciate you all being here for me.

With that being said, I'll update you on my current mental/emotional status. I hurt. I went and picked up my mother's day gift to myself Friday at Kay Jewelers. It's a memorial necklace for the baby. It brought me a little comfort, just to have something tangible.

Saturday was the first day I made it through the day tear free. My husband and father-in-law took me fishing. I let my mind go free for a while. Yesterday was rough. I didn't go to church because I just didn't think I could handle it. Nick and I laid around and watched movies all day. I made it okay until around 7 when I had a pretty significant melt down. I should have stayed off facebook; it was my trigger. I want to feel happy for all the mothers and mothers-to-be, but I can't help just feel resentment right now. Yesterday should have been a happy day for me. I feel like I've been robbed. I tried to take my mind off of IF and our loss by watching Lovely Bones, but I cried all the way through that too. My sweet husband held me and cried with me when we went to bed. I love him for that. Sleep came easier for him though, I probably only got 2 hours last night.

I'm currently hating work right now, it's IEP season, and the paperwork isn't what is bringing down. I'm having a really hard time dealing/working with the kids that I've always loved so much. My temper is short, and I'm angry with myself for being that way.

I thought my post-op appointment was today, but when I called to check they said it wasn't until Wednesday. I was hoping to go today, because I want some answers. I realize he may not have any answers for me, but I still need to ask the questions for my peace of mind.

Anger

I thought I was going to have a good day today, but I sit here at my desk this afternoon as a very angry woman.

My husband has been telling me that he thinks we should take a cruise this summer. He thinks it would be a good idea for us to take the trip for healing purposes. Until this afternoon, I thought it was a great idea. We don't have the money for it, but we were going to make a way. I even left work this morning to go send off my renewal form for my passport.

This afternoon, I've thought of nothing other than reasons why I should just stay home.
1) No trip, no matter how great, is going to make me feel okay with what has happened to my baby.

2) Oil Spill

3) Money

4) Will I be off on a cruise wishing I hadn't gone, so that I could be getting some type of fertility treatments?

5) If we can't afford the cruise, and we do everything we can to pay of it, then how am I going to be able to come up with money for fertility drugs?

6) Booking a trip for "relaxation" shouldn't be so stressful, I just want to give up.

7) Money

8) Oil Spill

9) I'm angry

10) Nothing EVER seems to be easy for us...I'm angry (did I mention that?)

I could go on forever, but I won't.

One week later...

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have mixed feelings about this statement this week. Although, I know in my heart that I'm going to make it through this a stronger woman, I also find myself thinking, "Miscarriage hasn't killed me...but it should have, no one should have to live through this pain." Each day has gotten easier, but each day has also brought on new questions: What if...? Why did God tease us? Where do we go from here? How much is too much? When do we stop?

Last Sunday morning, before the fatal ultrasound. I woke up from a dream that I knew was from the devil. In the dream, I was at ART, the nurse came in and started the ultrasound. She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, there is no fetal heartbeat." I woke up immediately and prayed to God. I begged and pleaded to him and asked to make sure my baby was okay. As I got ready for church, I convinced myself that Satan had caused me to have this dream. During church, at some point, I noticed my noticed that my skin wasn't as broken out as it had been, and my breasts weren't as sore. Again, I tried to put it out of my mind as just another worry brought on by the devil.

My husband arranged to go to my ultrasound with me. He told his boss that we had a pregnancy scare, and he needed to be with me. We were both going to go into work after the ultrasound. I kept hoping that I was being dramatic, and that everything was going to be okay. Once I arrived, I gave urine and blood, a routine I know all too well. The lab tech asked me what was wrong. I guess my fear was all over my face, I told her nerves. I saw Tammie walking down the hallway, and knew she would be the one to do the ultrasound, and we were almost immediately called back. I'm sitting on the table and she comes in, my feet are up, and the ultrasound wand is in, and I see it. I knew myself that there was no heartbeat. I say nothing, and wait for the words, so my husband can hear what I already knew. She said, "Here is the head, here is the rump, and here is where the heartbeat should be. I'm so sorry." She tells us we measured 8weeks2days. That was only 2 days growth from last week's ultrasound. That means my baby died on Thursday.

She left the room, and showed us where the tissues were, and said to take our time. Nick was crying and I was just numb. All I could say to Nick was "I really thought everything was going to be okay." I got dressed and we went to the same room where Dr. Long had congratulated me before, and we sat. And sat. And sat. One of the nurses, I'd seen before, Ann, came in and offered us a care package and her condolences. She told us that the doctor wasn't in yet, and when he came in he would discuss our options with us. She left, and we sat. And sat. Finally, Dr. Long came in. He told us how sorry he was, and that no matter what we did, or he did, we were all just spectators. He told us that it was good that now we know we can get pregnant, and that Nick and I are still young, so we have a good chance of getting pregnant again. We set up my surgery, for I couldn't imagine waiting for it to happen on it's own. I didn't officially lose it, until the lab tech came in to do my pre-op blood work. She cried with me, because she understands the pain. She told me that she had 3 miscarriages before she got her miracle.

Telling our families was the hardest. I felt not only like my dream was over, but that I had somehow let down our family. Nick is his mom's only child, and she has wanted a grand baby for so long. She was so happy when she found out I was pregnant. Work was another worry of mine. Luckily, I have some good friends that took care of everything for me. I took the rest of the week off to grieve. I gave them a list of all the people that needed to know. I couldn't bare to think about someone asking me how my pregnancy was going when I had just lost everything.

Just so I don't leave anything out, I'm going to do a quick outline of my week.

Tuesday: Once we get home, Nick and I just cry, sit in silence, then cry some more. The school nurse brought some BBQ by the house for us. She cried with me.

Wednesday: Nick goes to work, I'm alone. Didn't sleep much through the night. When I did sleep, every time I woke up I had to remember again that my baby was gone. My oldest sister, Jennifer and her family comes and brings pizza for dinner.

Thursday: Nick leaves for work and tells me I have to get out of the house. Someone from work leaves a card at the door with gift cards to restaurants. Mom comes, we go out for a little bit and buy Nick birthday presents. My friend, Amber stops buy and brings us Salads from Sweet Peppers.

Friday: Surgery. Arrive at hospital at 8:00, but do not go back for surgery until 1:00. I wake up crying, asking them what they did with my baby. Nurse tells me to stop wiping my eyes. They give me more pain meds. Friends from church bring by dinner. I threw up while they were visiting.

Saturday: Depressed. I tell Nick I have to leave the house, we go to Albertville. We see the town for the first time since the tornado, it's devastating. Spend some time painting ceramics with mom and sisters at Groovy Gallery in Boaz. Have dinner with the family and cake and ice cream for my sister, Erin's, and Nick's birthdays.

Sunday: Go to church hoping for some answers. The sermon is good, but I find myself drifting off and staring at all the women with children. Sweet Liz and Samantha come by afterwards and bring dinner. We ate the wonderful meal, and then I start to worry about going back to work, and facing everyone.

Monday: I held it together until about lunchtime, when I started to tell the ladies more details. I run into my principal, who told me if at any time it got to be too much, that I could leave campus for a while. He's so understanding. I decide to go talk to my pregnant friend in the library. I tell myself I need to see her now, or I'll just avoid hard situations forever. It goes surprisingly well. We go to Fultondale for Nick's birthday. We stop at Kay's and I get my diamonds checked and cleaned then I order a necklace. It's an angel with April birthstone. It reads "forever in our hearts" the sales clerk tells me I'll have it in time for mother's day. I look at my husband and say, "Happy Mother's Day to me" He smiles. We go to GNC buy more Fertility Blend for Men, then eat at Casa Fiesta. Walmart, then home.

Tuesday: I wake up thinking, "I would be 10 weeks 4 days today." I was planning on announcing my pregnancy on FB at 10 weeks because I knew I couldn't last until 12. I tell myself I'm going to have a good day. I arrive at work and as I'm walking to my building a car pulls up next to me. "I hear congratulations are in order" with a big smile. Lump in my throat..."no I lost the baby last week." Insert words of encouragement here...I was so focused on not losing it, that I heard nothing. She pulls away. I lose it. Luckily I'm early to work, early enough to pull myself together. No tears since 7:30 this morning. Improvement.

I'm sorry this is so long. A friend suggested I blog even if it would be depressing, and surprisingly I feel a little better having blogged. I started reading "Grieving the Child I never knew" this morning. It looks like it's going to be helpful. Keep us in your prayers. We need love, strength, guidance, and healing right now. I am so thankful to all of you who have left such comforting comments on my blog, and I continue to pray for all of you.

Heartbroken

I write the blog with a very heavy heart. Today's ultrasound showed no fetal heartbeat. I have a D&C scheduled for Friday. My husband and I ask that you pray for us in our time of grieving.