They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have mixed feelings about this statement this week. Although, I know in my heart that I'm going to make it through this a stronger woman, I also find myself thinking, "Miscarriage hasn't killed me...but it should have, no one should have to live through this pain." Each day has gotten easier, but each day has also brought on new questions: What if...? Why did God tease us? Where do we go from here? How much is too much? When do we stop?
Last Sunday morning, before the fatal ultrasound. I woke up from a dream that I knew was from the devil. In the dream, I was at ART, the nurse came in and started the ultrasound. She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, there is no fetal heartbeat." I woke up immediately and prayed to God. I begged and pleaded to him and asked to make sure my baby was okay. As I got ready for church, I convinced myself that Satan had caused me to have this dream. During church, at some point, I noticed my noticed that my skin wasn't as broken out as it had been, and my breasts weren't as sore. Again, I tried to put it out of my mind as just another worry brought on by the devil.
My husband arranged to go to my ultrasound with me. He told his boss that we had a pregnancy scare, and he needed to be with me. We were both going to go into work after the ultrasound. I kept hoping that I was being dramatic, and that everything was going to be okay. Once I arrived, I gave urine and blood, a routine I know all too well. The lab tech asked me what was wrong. I guess my fear was all over my face, I told her nerves. I saw Tammie walking down the hallway, and knew she would be the one to do the ultrasound, and we were almost immediately called back. I'm sitting on the table and she comes in, my feet are up, and the ultrasound wand is in, and I see it. I knew myself that there was no heartbeat. I say nothing, and wait for the words, so my husband can hear what I already knew. She said, "Here is the head, here is the rump, and here is where the heartbeat should be. I'm so sorry." She tells us we measured 8weeks2days. That was only 2 days growth from last week's ultrasound. That means my baby died on Thursday.
She left the room, and showed us where the tissues were, and said to take our time. Nick was crying and I was just numb. All I could say to Nick was "I really thought everything was going to be okay." I got dressed and we went to the same room where Dr. Long had congratulated me before, and we sat. And sat. And sat. One of the nurses, I'd seen before, Ann, came in and offered us a care package and her condolences. She told us that the doctor wasn't in yet, and when he came in he would discuss our options with us. She left, and we sat. And sat. Finally, Dr. Long came in. He told us how sorry he was, and that no matter what we did, or he did, we were all just spectators. He told us that it was good that now we know we can get pregnant, and that Nick and I are still young, so we have a good chance of getting pregnant again. We set up my surgery, for I couldn't imagine waiting for it to happen on it's own. I didn't officially lose it, until the lab tech came in to do my pre-op blood work. She cried with me, because she understands the pain. She told me that she had 3 miscarriages before she got her miracle.
Telling our families was the hardest. I felt not only like my dream was over, but that I had somehow let down our family. Nick is his mom's only child, and she has wanted a grand baby for so long. She was so happy when she found out I was pregnant. Work was another worry of mine. Luckily, I have some good friends that took care of everything for me. I took the rest of the week off to grieve. I gave them a list of all the people that needed to know. I couldn't bare to think about someone asking me how my pregnancy was going when I had just lost everything.
Just so I don't leave anything out, I'm going to do a quick outline of my week.
Tuesday: Once we get home, Nick and I just cry, sit in silence, then cry some more. The school nurse brought some BBQ by the house for us. She cried with me.
Wednesday: Nick goes to work, I'm alone. Didn't sleep much through the night. When I did sleep, every time I woke up I had to remember again that my baby was gone. My oldest sister, Jennifer and her family comes and brings pizza for dinner.
Thursday: Nick leaves for work and tells me I have to get out of the house. Someone from work leaves a card at the door with gift cards to restaurants. Mom comes, we go out for a little bit and buy Nick birthday presents. My friend, Amber stops buy and brings us Salads from Sweet Peppers.
Friday: Surgery. Arrive at hospital at 8:00, but do not go back for surgery until 1:00. I wake up crying, asking them what they did with my baby. Nurse tells me to stop wiping my eyes. They give me more pain meds. Friends from church bring by dinner. I threw up while they were visiting.
Saturday: Depressed. I tell Nick I have to leave the house, we go to Albertville. We see the town for the first time since the tornado, it's devastating. Spend some time painting ceramics with mom and sisters at Groovy Gallery in Boaz. Have dinner with the family and cake and ice cream for my sister, Erin's, and Nick's birthdays.
Sunday: Go to church hoping for some answers. The sermon is good, but I find myself drifting off and staring at all the women with children. Sweet Liz and Samantha come by afterwards and bring dinner. We ate the wonderful meal, and then I start to worry about going back to work, and facing everyone.
Monday: I held it together until about lunchtime, when I started to tell the ladies more details. I run into my principal, who told me if at any time it got to be too much, that I could leave campus for a while. He's so understanding. I decide to go talk to my pregnant friend in the library. I tell myself I need to see her now, or I'll just avoid hard situations forever. It goes surprisingly well. We go to Fultondale for Nick's birthday. We stop at Kay's and I get my diamonds checked and cleaned then I order a necklace. It's an angel with April birthstone. It reads "forever in our hearts" the sales clerk tells me I'll have it in time for mother's day. I look at my husband and say, "Happy Mother's Day to me" He smiles. We go to GNC buy more Fertility Blend for Men, then eat at Casa Fiesta. Walmart, then home.
Tuesday: I wake up thinking, "I would be 10 weeks 4 days today." I was planning on announcing my pregnancy on FB at 10 weeks because I knew I couldn't last until 12. I tell myself I'm going to have a good day. I arrive at work and as I'm walking to my building a car pulls up next to me. "I hear congratulations are in order" with a big smile. Lump in my throat..."no I lost the baby last week." Insert words of encouragement here...I was so focused on not losing it, that I heard nothing. She pulls away. I lose it. Luckily I'm early to work, early enough to pull myself together. No tears since 7:30 this morning. Improvement.
I'm sorry this is so long. A friend suggested I blog even if it would be depressing, and surprisingly I feel a little better having blogged. I started reading "Grieving the Child I never knew" this morning. It looks like it's going to be helpful. Keep us in your prayers. We need love, strength, guidance, and healing right now. I am so thankful to all of you who have left such comforting comments on my blog, and I continue to pray for all of you.