Thursday, May 6, 2010


I thought I was going to have a good day today, but I sit here at my desk this afternoon as a very angry woman.

My husband has been telling me that he thinks we should take a cruise this summer. He thinks it would be a good idea for us to take the trip for healing purposes. Until this afternoon, I thought it was a great idea. We don't have the money for it, but we were going to make a way. I even left work this morning to go send off my renewal form for my passport.

This afternoon, I've thought of nothing other than reasons why I should just stay home.
1) No trip, no matter how great, is going to make me feel okay with what has happened to my baby.

2) Oil Spill

3) Money

4) Will I be off on a cruise wishing I hadn't gone, so that I could be getting some type of fertility treatments?

5) If we can't afford the cruise, and we do everything we can to pay of it, then how am I going to be able to come up with money for fertility drugs?

6) Booking a trip for "relaxation" shouldn't be so stressful, I just want to give up.

7) Money

8) Oil Spill

9) I'm angry

10) Nothing EVER seems to be easy for us...I'm angry (did I mention that?)

I could go on forever, but I won't.


  1. Maybe there's some sort of compromise, especially if money is one of your concerns. You wouldn't have to go on a cruise but you could go somewhere else. DH and I have gone away a few times after our losses (and we don't have a ton of money either) and it's really helped us to heal.

    And I'm with ya on #10. I feel that way every day!

  2. I can completely understand why you would be angry, in fact, I would worry more if you WEREN'T angry. Heck, I am angry for you! This is so unfair.

    I agree with Kelly. Maybe there's a good compromise or smaller trip to take it. But I do feel a vacation has always helped me after a loss...

    I even have one planned right after my IVF "just in case." Just a short one though, to help pay for IF.

    Sigh. I am so sorry.

  3. Rachel,

    I could not help but have you on my heart today, as I stood where you stand today just one year ago. Just days following our loss I was forced out into the world to celebrate Mother's Day with my family. We celebrated my Mom and my SIL and my heart was crushed. My world had caved in around me just days before and that time is such a blurr as I look back. So, today, I "know" how you feel and my heart hurts right along with you. Just know that you aren't alone, I get it, all of it and empathize with the emotions you are feeling.

    I understand the anger. *sigh* I remember it all too well. I remember my hubby trying desparately to make things right and me refusing his offers, as I wasn't ready to move forward and honestly had no idea how to even begin to grieve. Everyone said all the wrong things and I felt isolated and alone. BUT, this community of amazing women knew my pain, reached out to me and helped me find my survival skills. They lifted me up, held me and to this day continue to encourage me on.

    So, I lift you up today, share your burden and will continue to encourage you on. Beyond anything else...know that "you are and always will be a Mother".

    Sending you love,