Monday, May 10, 2010

Still breathing

I really have a lot of guilt because I haven't shown my gratitude to those of you who have been so supportive of me through the past few weeks. I really do appreciate everything you've done, all the uplifting comments, prayers and thoughts. I don't want any of you to think for one second that I don't appreciate you all being here for me.

With that being said, I'll update you on my current mental/emotional status. I hurt. I went and picked up my mother's day gift to myself Friday at Kay Jewelers. It's a memorial necklace for the baby. It brought me a little comfort, just to have something tangible.

Saturday was the first day I made it through the day tear free. My husband and father-in-law took me fishing. I let my mind go free for a while. Yesterday was rough. I didn't go to church because I just didn't think I could handle it. Nick and I laid around and watched movies all day. I made it okay until around 7 when I had a pretty significant melt down. I should have stayed off facebook; it was my trigger. I want to feel happy for all the mothers and mothers-to-be, but I can't help just feel resentment right now. Yesterday should have been a happy day for me. I feel like I've been robbed. I tried to take my mind off of IF and our loss by watching Lovely Bones, but I cried all the way through that too. My sweet husband held me and cried with me when we went to bed. I love him for that. Sleep came easier for him though, I probably only got 2 hours last night.

I'm currently hating work right now, it's IEP season, and the paperwork isn't what is bringing down. I'm having a really hard time dealing/working with the kids that I've always loved so much. My temper is short, and I'm angry with myself for being that way.

I thought my post-op appointment was today, but when I called to check they said it wasn't until Wednesday. I was hoping to go today, because I want some answers. I realize he may not have any answers for me, but I still need to ask the questions for my peace of mind.


  1. What a beautiful necklace.

    I am so sorry that Mother's Day was hard for you, but I understand the tears completely. I never thought they'd stop. I am so glad you have such a supportive husband.

    Sending you many positive thoughts and prayers.

  2. I can't tell you how many people get bummed out by Facebook. Seriously - stay off of it for awhile. You don't need it and you owe no one any explanations. Take care of yourself, just feel what you're feeling and remember that you are a strong person and you'll get through this terrible injustice somehow. Thinking of you...

  3. What a wonderful necklace.

    Thinking of you a sending you a big ((HUG))

  4. You are in my thoughts darling, big big hugs.
    The necklace is perfect.

  5. You are still in my prayers!