Still breathing

I really have a lot of guilt because I haven't shown my gratitude to those of you who have been so supportive of me through the past few weeks. I really do appreciate everything you've done, all the uplifting comments, prayers and thoughts. I don't want any of you to think for one second that I don't appreciate you all being here for me.

With that being said, I'll update you on my current mental/emotional status. I hurt. I went and picked up my mother's day gift to myself Friday at Kay Jewelers. It's a memorial necklace for the baby. It brought me a little comfort, just to have something tangible.

Saturday was the first day I made it through the day tear free. My husband and father-in-law took me fishing. I let my mind go free for a while. Yesterday was rough. I didn't go to church because I just didn't think I could handle it. Nick and I laid around and watched movies all day. I made it okay until around 7 when I had a pretty significant melt down. I should have stayed off facebook; it was my trigger. I want to feel happy for all the mothers and mothers-to-be, but I can't help just feel resentment right now. Yesterday should have been a happy day for me. I feel like I've been robbed. I tried to take my mind off of IF and our loss by watching Lovely Bones, but I cried all the way through that too. My sweet husband held me and cried with me when we went to bed. I love him for that. Sleep came easier for him though, I probably only got 2 hours last night.

I'm currently hating work right now, it's IEP season, and the paperwork isn't what is bringing down. I'm having a really hard time dealing/working with the kids that I've always loved so much. My temper is short, and I'm angry with myself for being that way.

I thought my post-op appointment was today, but when I called to check they said it wasn't until Wednesday. I was hoping to go today, because I want some answers. I realize he may not have any answers for me, but I still need to ask the questions for my peace of mind.