Thursday, May 13, 2010


I went in yesterday afternoon for my post-op appointment. I was very emotional just being in the office again. Fortunately I seemed to be the only patient at ART at 1:00 yesterday, so that was helpful. I spoke with Dr. Long first, and he seemed hopeful, and I guess I seemed pessimistic. He told me that the chromosomal testing on the baby couldn't be done because the tissue didn't "grow out." Whatever that means, I couldn't really ask too many questions because I was trying not to have a nervous breakdown. I did manage to tell him, that I wanted him to do whatever testing he could to make sure this wasn't going to be something that happens over and over for me. I've heard of too many women, and read the blogs of too many women, that go through this multiple times, and I just don't know if I'm cut out for it. He pulled out his calculator and gave me some statistics, and said the odds are in my favor. In my head, I was thinking, well...the odds were in my favor last time too--and I miscarried. So far I've fallen into the wrong side of statistics. 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. *sigh* Next, he put me in the same tiny room that I had to wait in the day we found out about the about the walls closing in on me. A nurse I had never dealt with, I wanna say her name was Yvonne, or something like that came in and told me that next cycle I would do 150 menopur and 75 of prevera (not sure if I spelled that one right) Before the words, "we're going to take a break from treatments" came out of my mouth I was telling her that I still had some Follistim from St. Vincents in my fridge. She told me I could use that instead of the prevera. I guess that saves a little money. I still intend on taking a small break, but it kind of amused me that I jumped right into the planning part again, I guess I don't know how not to try. She told me that I would come in on Cycle Day 3 whenever I decide to have a period for a baseline, then I would have the dye test again....depending on what my beta was doing. She gave me some more yucky antibiotics, and a phone number for a pharmacy (Ascend) and then took me to the lab.

There is something about that lab tech that really gets my tears flowing. She noticed my necklace as she was drawing 9 viles of blood for some type of profile (does anyone remember the name of this blood profile?) She told me again about having 3 miscarriages before having her daughter, and I just told her, that she was stronger than me, and that I couldn't do it again.

They called this morning and told me my beta was 12.8 and that they'll check it again when I come in for my baselines before the dye test. I was hoping the beta would be all the way gone. It makes me sad that I still have a number...I realize that it isn't a high number, but still it's like my body doesn't want to give up.

It's strange how some one's words can bring comfort one day, and then the next they hurt. I guess the 2 pieces of advice/encouragement that bring on these mixed feelings are "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "God has a plan for you"

On a good day, I think "Yay! You're right...I can get pregnant." The next, I may think "Who cares if I can get pregnant, I have no idea if I can carry a baby to term." Or "Yes, God does have better things planned for me." but then... "I hate God's plan for me."

I know I shouldn't hate God's plan...but sometimes I do. I realize I should be looking to God for peace and strength, and sometimes I do, but sometimes I'm so angry with him. I'm angry at everyone really. I love my mom more than words, but I even resent the fact that she could have 3 children and I can't. I wish they would make an island for infertiles, so that those of us that didn't want to deal with the beauty of a pregnant woman, or a sweet babies cry could just get away from it all for a little while. I wouldn't want to live there, I'd miss my family too much...but sometimes it's just too much to take.


  1. I would like to visit this island too! Let me know if you find one.

  2. I would go with y'all too!!!!!!!!!!!!! please...let's find that island! :)
    And by the vials of blood?!!?!? Never had that profile done. Wowza. Hang in there girl...we're all right there with you.

  3. I just realized something while reading your words...I don't know how to stop trying either. Take a cycle off Rachel if you want and do some things for "you". Just take time to love yourself and love your demands, no injections, just indulge in you.

    As for the beta, that is a good number and I'm praying it falls quickly to negative.

    Now, on to that island thing, when you get reservations let me know and sign me up!

    Much love and know that I continue to be prayerful for you. And, that resentment of others who all this happened for so easily, you aren't the only one who has felt that, so go easy on yourself.