Friday, May 14, 2010

Would Have

I would have been 12 weeks pregnant today. I'm sure there will be so many "would haves" in my future. I'm handling today okay though. I guess sometimes you just have that peace. I'm not saying that tomorrow I might be a basket case, or even later today for that matter, but right now...I'm okay.

I've been reading a devotional book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. One of the devotions that has stood out to me talks about the story of the 2 women in 1 Kings who were fighting over a baby. I've heard this story several times in my life growing up in church, but this time I had some different feelings about it. When I was young, I thought the woman who was claiming the baby was hers was an insane horrible woman. Now, I feel so sympathetic for that poor woman. I'm not saying that taking someone's baby and trying to claim it as your own is right by any means, but think about what grief she must have been feeling when she woke up and her baby was dead...and close by, just within her reach, there was another beautiful, healthy baby. Since jealousy is something I've been struggling with, I can imagine how she might have felt looking at the other baby...longing for it as if it were her own. Poor woman. I do have to say though, that I think she was a bit off her rocker, when the king said that the solution was to cut the baby in half, her response was "Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!" Bless her heart, I know that sometime in the pit of despair, I have felt that I just wanted others to feel the hurt like I do so I wouldn't be alone in my pain....but come on woman, seriously?!

Anyways, I just thought it was interesting how life experiences, no matter how good or bad can change the meaning of a story you've heard all your life.

Right after work I'm heading to B'ham for the Extraordinary Women's conference with my big sister. I pray that God speaks to me, and continues to bring me peace and strength in my hour of need. My heart goes out to Patrish right now, I'm sending love and prayers your way.


  1. Rachel,

    I feel that God will speak directly to your heart and pray that the conference brings you peace in the moment.

    As for counting the days, that's part of the process and it hurts. But, I can tell you that it does eventualy get better. Just be good to yourself and roll with the emotions as they come...go easy on yourself.

    Sending you love and prayers...and how thoughtful of you to reach out to Patrish. This is the most beautiful community.


  2. I was having internet issues and I guess my comment didn't go through...hope this one isn't a duplicate!

    Those "would haves" just creep up on you, in ways you don't often expect. I hope that you were able to get through Friday, enjoyed the conference and were able to spend some time on yourself this weekend.

  3. Love ya Rachel! Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and think you are amazing. I am glad we have been friends since High School. xoxoxo Leah