In honor

"A month ago yesterday I found out that my baby no longer had a heart beat. Today I would have been 14 weeks pregnant. I'm not sad today. In fact, I have a peace about me. As I exited my front door for work this morning, I just smiled as I looked at my flower bed. My mother bought me a hydrangea bush right after the loss. I planted it, and I've watered it, it has bloomed, and it is beautiful. Only this morning did I make a connection that this bush was in honor of my baby, and it made me so happy to see the beautiful blooms. My 'baby bush' is such a blessing to me.

I've received several blessings this week. A special gift arrived in the mail from my sweet bloggy friend Shanny Thanks Girl! Another, worthy of mention, blessing happened this morning. On my way to work, a truck ran a stop sign and came within a foot of hitting me on the driver side. Not an ugly word escaped my lips! I was really angry for a minute, but I quickly changed to being so thankful. The words that escaped my lips were, 'Thank you God!' I'm alive!

Article

I know Mother's Day is well past us, but I ran across this article that I really enjoyed reading. I thought you might enjoy as well.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say on Mother's Day

Something to be excited about...

So, it's been pretty difficult to find anything to be excited about since our loss, but my husband and I just had a pretty exciting conversation.

We decided:
1. We are meant to be parents.
2. We will continue to try for our own child.
3. We are going to start the adoption process!

So, here is what I need from you gals. We have no idea where/how to start. Tell me EVERYTHING you know about adoption.

Answers

Yesterday I got a call from a nurse at ART. I missed the call, but they left a voicemail. My Thrombosis profile aka 9 vials of blood results came back. I apparantly have elevated levels of Anticardiolipin. They said that if I get pregnant again, I'll take aspirin and Heparin. Initially, I was devastated...especially after doing research. I wanted answers, I just didn't want this answer. Today, I actually spoke with a nurse and I feel a little bit better. She said a negative test is less than 10, a positive test was greater than 80. I fell in the low-moderate range wich was a 32. She told me that I may not always have a positive reading, and that these numbers can fluctuate. She said that I would be tested again next time I conceive I would have the test again, start the aspirin and heparin, then test again at 14 weeks. She said a lot of times during pregnancy the levels will regulate themselves. Then, I asked her if she felt like this was the cause of the miscarriage. She said, she couldn't be sure but probably. I also told her that I felt like my period was no where in sight, and asked her when I should be concerned. She said if after 6 weeks from the D&C I have not started I should call. So, that means June 18th...my anniversary. At least I have a date...something to look forward to...and if it starts before then, yay...but if not..I'll know that we need to do something. So..there are my answers. They weren't the answers I was necesssarily hoping for, but they are answers nonetheless.

Question

So, a few days ago, as I was going over some of the financial aspects of future treatments, I ran across an Article online about the fertility drug "black market." In the article, a woman was discussing the dangers of buying such drugs online, and the benefits. She said she would do it again and again, despite the risks, anything to start a family. So..my question to you. Have any of you purchased your medications online from an individual seller? I have to admit...I'm tempted. $24 for a vial of Menopur vs. $66 (at a discount pharmacy). Really...tempted. However, my "good girl" morale is kind of freaking me out. I told my husband, that I was considering trying it, and that I felt dirty. His response was that I'd end up in jail, but I just wanted to see if any of you gals had any experience...good, or bad.

Something encouraging

I found this post on the Resolve Community, and it brought me some peace. I just thought I would share. Keep fighting the good fight ladies. I sure am trying =)


Alright so I want to make a confession to all of you who have yet to get your BFP, I know that on this website almost everyone says to "stay positive" I'm guilty of it too. I also know how incredibly hard it is to actually stay positive. (easier said than done right?) I want everyone on here to know that I was down and not feeling very good about this last cycle which was our 3rd IVF, the only thing I finally starting taking comfort in with this last cycle compared to the first two was that I knew no matter what whether it worked or it didn't, was that God gave me the strength to FIGHT. And when I say fight I mean...fight for what I want, fight for my family, fight to WIN! I knew that it may not have worked but that in the end my husband and I would somehow, someway have the family of our dreams.

My very best friend through this fertility battle was a women who went through the same thing...someone who ACTUALLY knew what I was going through, someone who would justify all of my ridiculous, angry, mean, jealous, terrifying thoughts. And continue to tell me that it was ok to feel the way I did, and that it did not make me a horrible person. One of the things she told me that meant soooooooo much to me that I want to share with all of you, is this......

She told me to look around...to think of all the people who have said things next to you or even to you about how "if you stop trying so hard you will get pregnant," "if you are positive it will happen," "Oh it only took me and my husband 2 months to conceive," or (My personal most hated beyond all hate comment) "I'm pregnant again....and it was an accident" UGHHH (this one still makes me cringe!) She told me that I have to consider how weak they are and that if God put this on their shoulders they would have crumbled, they would no longer be able to function. But no, he chose us, WHY, because we are the ones capable of FIGHTING, the one's who lose month after month, year after year, and survive to fight another day with some tiny almost non-existant amount of hope. We are the ones with the strength not the weakness that will fight until we WIN. Don't ever give up! If you want your family...KEEP TRYING. You may never get the family that you were always dreaming of...(one boy that looks like DH, one girl that is identical to you...etc) But when God leads you down the path to your family you will realize it is better than you had ever imagined and you will look back on all of this and know that every second of this was worth the beauty and perfection of YOUR family.


So I leave you with this....it's not always important to be positive, it is important never to lose that tiny, tiny, speck of hope, and whatever you do, do NOT stop FIGHTING! I know whatever path God leads you on all of you amazing, strong, beautiful women will be the BEST mom's anyone has ever seen!!!!

Would Have

I would have been 12 weeks pregnant today. I'm sure there will be so many "would haves" in my future. I'm handling today okay though. I guess sometimes you just have that peace. I'm not saying that tomorrow I might be a basket case, or even later today for that matter, but right now...I'm okay.

I've been reading a devotional book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. One of the devotions that has stood out to me talks about the story of the 2 women in 1 Kings who were fighting over a baby. I've heard this story several times in my life growing up in church, but this time I had some different feelings about it. When I was young, I thought the woman who was claiming the baby was hers was an insane horrible woman. Now, I feel so sympathetic for that poor woman. I'm not saying that taking someone's baby and trying to claim it as your own is right by any means, but think about what grief she must have been feeling when she woke up and her baby was dead...and close by, just within her reach, there was another beautiful, healthy baby. Since jealousy is something I've been struggling with, I can imagine how she might have felt looking at the other baby...longing for it as if it were her own. Poor woman. I do have to say though, that I think she was a bit off her rocker, when the king said that the solution was to cut the baby in half, her response was "Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!" Bless her heart, I know that sometime in the pit of despair, I have felt that I just wanted others to feel the hurt like I do so I wouldn't be alone in my pain....but come on woman, seriously?!

Anyways, I just thought it was interesting how life experiences, no matter how good or bad can change the meaning of a story you've heard all your life.

Right after work I'm heading to B'ham for the Extraordinary Women's conference with my big sister. I pray that God speaks to me, and continues to bring me peace and strength in my hour of need. My heart goes out to Patrish right now, I'm sending love and prayers your way.