Monday, March 8, 2010
Are you okay?
It has been several weeks since someone at work has pulled me aside and asked that...until today. I went to the teacher's lounge to make some copies, and our secretary got that look. The "I have sympathy for you so I'm going to lower my brows and tilt my head sideways" look. Then comes the question. "Are you okay?" Such a simple question shouldn't throw a person off guard, but for an infertile like me who has come off of a hormonal weekend, I guess my reaction wansn't the best. I just looked her square in the face and replied with a simple "no" and went on with my copying. I really have to stop reacting this way, I was just so disappointed in myself because I thought I was doing a good job at masking my pain. She went on to say something along the lines of "I hate seeing you do this to yourself"....and I mumbled something about "if it doesn't kill me, I think I'm supposed to come out stronger" She hugged me and left me to my copying. After several hours of reflecting on this little incident, I've decided I need to go tell the secretary that I'm okay that she just caught me coming off a bad weekend, and I've also decided I need to try to find the happy me again. I can see glimpses of the happy me, but it should be far more than mere glimpses. So, tonight I'm going to attend a Premier Jewelry Party that I had planned on skipping because I wanted to avoid my friends with kids...and I refuse to let the fact that they have kids (and I don't) keep me from having a good time. Tomorrow, I'm going to the StarDome for my birthay with some other friends. I can be happy. I can be happy. I CAN be happy.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Hormonal Blogging...
could be worse than drunk dialing, in my opinion. Not that I do either of those things frequently, but yesterday the blogging one got the best of me. As, I was writing my blog about our first IUI, out of no where it took some marginally upsetting news and turned it in to the end of the world. I'm sure you can all relate, I ended up laying in my bed crying and screaming at God. I know...not good. Today, things look a little differently. We're going to try to hope for the best this cycle, and try to financially squeeze in another cycle after this, then we'll worry about the rest after that.
My family is coming over tomorrow from Albertville for my nephew's and my birthday. We are going to have lunch at my house, then go to FunZone. Doesn't that sound fun? I hope going to a whole zone of fun will take my mind to a happy place for a while. Until then, I'm stuck cleaning my house. It's ridiculous the amount of dog hair I just got out of my kitchen floor. I sure do love my Golden Retriever, but maybe raising him as an inside dog wasn't such a good idea. Oh well, he's 9 now, and there are no changing his living conditions now. He hates it outside, plus we don't have a fenced in yard, and Brody like to roam the neighborhood.
Well, I guess I'm going to get back to the daily grind.
My family is coming over tomorrow from Albertville for my nephew's and my birthday. We are going to have lunch at my house, then go to FunZone. Doesn't that sound fun? I hope going to a whole zone of fun will take my mind to a happy place for a while. Until then, I'm stuck cleaning my house. It's ridiculous the amount of dog hair I just got out of my kitchen floor. I sure do love my Golden Retriever, but maybe raising him as an inside dog wasn't such a good idea. Oh well, he's 9 now, and there are no changing his living conditions now. He hates it outside, plus we don't have a fenced in yard, and Brody like to roam the neighborhood.
Well, I guess I'm going to get back to the daily grind.
Friday, March 5, 2010
My 1st IUI experience
Well, yesterday was an eventful experience. I'm sure all of you know the drill of the IUI, but as a first timer...we had some giggles for sure. We weren't sure if wives typically go to the "men's area" to help with their part of the job, so I went ahead and headed that way with him. It turns out, I was just a distraction, so I was banned from the room lol. Waiting for my appointment seemed like an eternity. We went down to Starbucks and ran into a coach from the high school that was waiting on his baby. I was happy for him. He and his wife had fertility struggles, then adopted a son a few years ago. This baby was a complete surprise and miracle.
Back on track, so when we finally got called back for the IUI, I was just amused at the whole, "state your name" session, and signatures that they did. I understand the importance of this, but for some reason, when someone knows my name and they ask me to state my name, it kinda makes me feel like a psychiactric patient. The procedure itself wasn't too bad. Like Samantha suggested, I just picked a spot on the ceiling and it was done in no time...just a little discomfort, noting major. Then we did the run down the hall in a sheet manuver to the u/s room. It determined that my egg did release.
On a more grim note. Dr. Long mentioned to us that Nick's SA showed that his numbers were good, but morphology wasn't great. He suggested taking fertility blend for men. Why was this not addressed before they were about to inject his boys? He kinda just played it off like it wasn't too big of a deal. Today, we get a message from the nurses, that painted an even more grim picture. The nurse said the numbers weren't as good as Dr. Long had made us feel they were, then she said they wanted to do a test to see if his swimmers were able to penetrate an egg. Of course insurance doesn't cover this test, and it runs about $400 dollars.
So, like that I go from hopeful to wanting to just quit trying all together. Not only am I a factor in our fertility struggles, now my DH is too. Makes my attempt at the IUI yesterday with one measly egg just a waste of effort. I know I'm supposed to be pulling my faith together right now, and trying to be strong, but I'm just angry. For the first time, DH is showing his stress about this whole situation...he's texting me from work now. I think I'll just go crawl back in bed today.
So, now my husband tells me that he's sorry but he doesn't think we can afford this anymore. He thinks maybe we'll get pg trying naturally. I don't think so. I'm kind of at a loss right now.
Back on track, so when we finally got called back for the IUI, I was just amused at the whole, "state your name" session, and signatures that they did. I understand the importance of this, but for some reason, when someone knows my name and they ask me to state my name, it kinda makes me feel like a psychiactric patient. The procedure itself wasn't too bad. Like Samantha suggested, I just picked a spot on the ceiling and it was done in no time...just a little discomfort, noting major. Then we did the run down the hall in a sheet manuver to the u/s room. It determined that my egg did release.
On a more grim note. Dr. Long mentioned to us that Nick's SA showed that his numbers were good, but morphology wasn't great. He suggested taking fertility blend for men. Why was this not addressed before they were about to inject his boys? He kinda just played it off like it wasn't too big of a deal. Today, we get a message from the nurses, that painted an even more grim picture. The nurse said the numbers weren't as good as Dr. Long had made us feel they were, then she said they wanted to do a test to see if his swimmers were able to penetrate an egg. Of course insurance doesn't cover this test, and it runs about $400 dollars.
So, like that I go from hopeful to wanting to just quit trying all together. Not only am I a factor in our fertility struggles, now my DH is too. Makes my attempt at the IUI yesterday with one measly egg just a waste of effort. I know I'm supposed to be pulling my faith together right now, and trying to be strong, but I'm just angry. For the first time, DH is showing his stress about this whole situation...he's texting me from work now. I think I'll just go crawl back in bed today.
So, now my husband tells me that he's sorry but he doesn't think we can afford this anymore. He thinks maybe we'll get pg trying naturally. I don't think so. I'm kind of at a loss right now.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Thank You!
I just wanted to say Thank You to all of you that left such encouraging words on my last entry. Today's visit made me feel better, and a little more understanding of the numbers and process. My E2 was 291 and my biggest follicle was 1.9, so I'm content with that. I trigger tonight and go in for my first IUI on Thursday.
So, do any of you do anything differently on the day of your IUI? I decided to just take the day off since I'd be missing most of the school day anyways, then I got a wild hair and scheduled myself a massage for afterwards. It's also the night of the Rascal Flatts concert in Huntsville. My DH has already texted me and told me he didn't want me to go because it would be "too stressful" from what I read online, women are fine to continue their normal activities. What do you think?
On another note, on the elevator ride to the office was interesting. I recognized the girl that was in the elevator. It was my sister's college roommate! So, I broke the awkward silence in the waiting room, it turns out she was there to see Dr. Long too. Fortunately, she was there with good news....a positive pregnancy test. Then, on my way out, I saw Liz!
I believe you are all right, we need to schedule a Mid-March Mental Health Fertilifriend meeting. =) Anyone want to volunteer a house, or a coffee shop?
So, do any of you do anything differently on the day of your IUI? I decided to just take the day off since I'd be missing most of the school day anyways, then I got a wild hair and scheduled myself a massage for afterwards. It's also the night of the Rascal Flatts concert in Huntsville. My DH has already texted me and told me he didn't want me to go because it would be "too stressful" from what I read online, women are fine to continue their normal activities. What do you think?
On another note, on the elevator ride to the office was interesting. I recognized the girl that was in the elevator. It was my sister's college roommate! So, I broke the awkward silence in the waiting room, it turns out she was there to see Dr. Long too. Fortunately, she was there with good news....a positive pregnancy test. Then, on my way out, I saw Liz!
I believe you are all right, we need to schedule a Mid-March Mental Health Fertilifriend meeting. =) Anyone want to volunteer a house, or a coffee shop?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Uncertainty
As I progress through this month with my new doctor, I realize how uncertain I am about this whole process. I doubt my every move, question what's best for my body, and wonder if things will ever turn out. I went Saturday for u/s and blood work, and my E2 level was 109 and Progesterone .4; my largest follicle size was 1.3 This made me sad, although I'm not quite sure it should. Continued with more Menopur and then I went back this morning and my E2 was 232 and Progesterone .5 with my biggest follicle size 1.6 took one final day of Menopur. I go back tomorrow morning. I have no idea if any of these numbers will be good enough to get me pregnant this month, and I never know what questions to ask when I'm there. I really liked the nurse that did my u/s today, I think her name was Anne. My current worries are that, I won't get to do IUI because my numbers aren't better, but if I do get to go ahead with IUI it won't work because my numbers aren't better. It seems like I've become so accustomed to bad news, that I'm not sure if anything is good news. I need imput or translation of numbers. Help me out ladies.
When I went back to Southern to get more Menopur, the pharmacist says, "You know you have a $2000 cap on insurance, right?" Uh...no I've already used most of that in the last 2 months. My insurance has been covering 50% of my meds so far, and we've been struggling. I don't know how all these other women do it for so long. I guess I chose the wrong career path. Teacher's salary and infertility treatments don't mix. Where do I go from here? Loans? Asking loved ones for help? What are all of you doing?
Another bummer, I didn't go to the monthly Resolve meeting tonight. I could have used the fellowship. I just couldn't justify driving down twice in one day, and then having to turn around and go again first thing in the morning. I wish the meetings were bi-monthly...especially in long months like this one looks like it's going to be.
Oh, on another note, I think there is something wrong with me. Every time I go to the doctor, I catch myself longing to know the stories of all the other women and couples in the waiting room. I think it's because I've felt so alone lately. My friends and family (and even husband) are doing their best to try to understand what I'm going through, but I feel so isolated and uninvolved in their lives. I guess I long for new friendships with women that are in similar situations as myself. Have you ever noticed the stiffness in those waiting rooms? I swear everyones eyes are wondering trying to figure out what CD is is for the girl in the green sweater, or how many years the lady with her nose in a book has been trying, or if anyone's diagnosis is worse than mine. Is it just me? Or are any of you thinking and wondering the same thing. Why is everyone so afraid to talk to one another? One day, I'm going to build up the courage to just strike up a converstion. Maybe I'll meet a new friend.
When I went back to Southern to get more Menopur, the pharmacist says, "You know you have a $2000 cap on insurance, right?" Uh...no I've already used most of that in the last 2 months. My insurance has been covering 50% of my meds so far, and we've been struggling. I don't know how all these other women do it for so long. I guess I chose the wrong career path. Teacher's salary and infertility treatments don't mix. Where do I go from here? Loans? Asking loved ones for help? What are all of you doing?
Another bummer, I didn't go to the monthly Resolve meeting tonight. I could have used the fellowship. I just couldn't justify driving down twice in one day, and then having to turn around and go again first thing in the morning. I wish the meetings were bi-monthly...especially in long months like this one looks like it's going to be.
Oh, on another note, I think there is something wrong with me. Every time I go to the doctor, I catch myself longing to know the stories of all the other women and couples in the waiting room. I think it's because I've felt so alone lately. My friends and family (and even husband) are doing their best to try to understand what I'm going through, but I feel so isolated and uninvolved in their lives. I guess I long for new friendships with women that are in similar situations as myself. Have you ever noticed the stiffness in those waiting rooms? I swear everyones eyes are wondering trying to figure out what CD is is for the girl in the green sweater, or how many years the lady with her nose in a book has been trying, or if anyone's diagnosis is worse than mine. Is it just me? Or are any of you thinking and wondering the same thing. Why is everyone so afraid to talk to one another? One day, I'm going to build up the courage to just strike up a converstion. Maybe I'll meet a new friend.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Rach-ology
I decided to copy this from "Big Belly or Bust...What to expect before expecting" and thought it would be fun.
Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology."
FOODOLOGY:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Italian
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? We aren't original--Red Lobster
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? I'm going to have to say subway
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Any kind of pasta
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and Pepperoni
How many televisions are in your house? 3
What color cell phone do you have? Black
BIOLOGY:
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdome teeth, a werido tumor from my back, and some bone from my foot.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope
Have you ever fainted? yes
BULLCRAPOLOGY:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I don't think so, unless it was going to be soon.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I would keep my name the same.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? I'm guessing around 10-15 pairs
Last person you talked to? Hubby boo
FAVORITOLOGY:
Season? Fall/Winter
Holiday? Christmas.
Day of the week? Saturday
Month? June or July (hey, I'm off work!)
Color? Red
Drink? water
CURRENTOLOGY:
Missing someone? not currently
What are you listening to? Olympic coverage on tv
What are you watching? Olympic coverage on tv
Worrying about? Monday's u/s and bloodwork, will it be good enough to go ahead with IUI
What's the last movie you saw? The Crazies
Do you smile often? I try
If you could change your eye color what would it be? I like my blue eyes, but I also like green
What's on your wish list for your birthday? It's too soon to get a BFP (March 9) so...successful treatments
Can you do a chin-up? Absolutely not
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? A bit of both
Have you been in a car wreck? Actually no...hope I don't have to ever experience that
Have you caused a car wreck? No
Do you have an accent? A little...if you ask my family from MI-a southern accent If you ask some people that I work with- a bit of a northern accent
Last time you cried? yesterday
Plans tonight? Working at the church nursery
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Not rock bottom, but close
Name three things you bought yesterday? Water, Menopur, Burger King for my mom
Have you met someone who changed your life? Absolutely
For the better or worse? Hoping for the better preparing for the worse
How did you bring in the New Year? With friends playing wii
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes.
What songs do you sing in the shower? depends on my mood
Have you held hands with someone today? Hubby
Who was the last person you took a picture of? One of my students
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? That's tricky...I have a lot of new friends, but they're nothing like my old friends
Do you like pulpy orange juice? nope
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? hm, it's been months
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? sleeping
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ow, my head
Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology."
FOODOLOGY:
What is your salad dressing of choice? Italian
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? We aren't original--Red Lobster
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? I'm going to have to say subway
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Any kind of pasta
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and Pepperoni
How many televisions are in your house? 3
What color cell phone do you have? Black
BIOLOGY:
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdome teeth, a werido tumor from my back, and some bone from my foot.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope
Have you ever fainted? yes
BULLCRAPOLOGY:
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I don't think so, unless it was going to be soon.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I would keep my name the same.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? I'm guessing around 10-15 pairs
Last person you talked to? Hubby boo
FAVORITOLOGY:
Season? Fall/Winter
Holiday? Christmas.
Day of the week? Saturday
Month? June or July (hey, I'm off work!)
Color? Red
Drink? water
CURRENTOLOGY:
Missing someone? not currently
What are you listening to? Olympic coverage on tv
What are you watching? Olympic coverage on tv
Worrying about? Monday's u/s and bloodwork, will it be good enough to go ahead with IUI
What's the last movie you saw? The Crazies
Do you smile often? I try
If you could change your eye color what would it be? I like my blue eyes, but I also like green
What's on your wish list for your birthday? It's too soon to get a BFP (March 9) so...successful treatments
Can you do a chin-up? Absolutely not
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? A bit of both
Have you been in a car wreck? Actually no...hope I don't have to ever experience that
Have you caused a car wreck? No
Do you have an accent? A little...if you ask my family from MI-a southern accent If you ask some people that I work with- a bit of a northern accent
Last time you cried? yesterday
Plans tonight? Working at the church nursery
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Not rock bottom, but close
Name three things you bought yesterday? Water, Menopur, Burger King for my mom
Have you met someone who changed your life? Absolutely
For the better or worse? Hoping for the better preparing for the worse
How did you bring in the New Year? With friends playing wii
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes.
What songs do you sing in the shower? depends on my mood
Have you held hands with someone today? Hubby
Who was the last person you took a picture of? One of my students
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? That's tricky...I have a lot of new friends, but they're nothing like my old friends
Do you like pulpy orange juice? nope
Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? hm, it's been months
What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? sleeping
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ow, my head
Thursday, February 25, 2010
What? A good day?
I have had the best day today. There was nothing particularly great about it, but I just felt good. I didn't have a bad headache last night, I slept well, and I woke up ready for the day. It's been so long since I've had a good day, I've forgotten how nice it is.
With all my IF struggles, I have not been present in mind at my job for a while. Don't get me wrong. I love my job, and my students are great. I was just going through the motions of work. It was like I was almost annoyed with my precious students for no reason at all. For whatever reason that my body and mind decided to wake up and cooperate today, I'm sure glad that they did. For a good thirty minutes today I had 3 of 5 of my students up and playing chase with me. It was a silly improv game I came up with, but they played along and it went well. One of my students with Down's Syndrome (we'll call him T) had a toy school bus and several toy cars. I kept walking by and taking them. For a while he didn't notice, then finally he said "Hey Parks! My bus!" Then it started...the other students, the nurse, and I took turns running around with the bus, while T chased us. I had never seen him laugh so hard. Even after we gave the bus back to him. He'd bring it to us and tell us to run. I got the best work out.
What was it Elle Woods said? Exercise give you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't kill their husbands. Well then, good news for my husband! I wasn't even upset when he wanted to go play pool with his friends from work. We've been doing the Menopur at about 7, and I told him I could hold this one off til 8 so he could have a little longer.
Well, I guess I'm going to leave work now, I hope my good day keeps on coming!
With all my IF struggles, I have not been present in mind at my job for a while. Don't get me wrong. I love my job, and my students are great. I was just going through the motions of work. It was like I was almost annoyed with my precious students for no reason at all. For whatever reason that my body and mind decided to wake up and cooperate today, I'm sure glad that they did. For a good thirty minutes today I had 3 of 5 of my students up and playing chase with me. It was a silly improv game I came up with, but they played along and it went well. One of my students with Down's Syndrome (we'll call him T) had a toy school bus and several toy cars. I kept walking by and taking them. For a while he didn't notice, then finally he said "Hey Parks! My bus!" Then it started...the other students, the nurse, and I took turns running around with the bus, while T chased us. I had never seen him laugh so hard. Even after we gave the bus back to him. He'd bring it to us and tell us to run. I got the best work out.
What was it Elle Woods said? Exercise give you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't kill their husbands. Well then, good news for my husband! I wasn't even upset when he wanted to go play pool with his friends from work. We've been doing the Menopur at about 7, and I told him I could hold this one off til 8 so he could have a little longer.
Well, I guess I'm going to leave work now, I hope my good day keeps on coming!
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