Ultrasound pictures

I wanted to go ahead and give you a glimpse inside my uterus. =) Also, we have names!

Introducing: (pictures were taken at 18w6d --I will be 21w on Wed.)

Jackson Ryder Parks (Baby A)

Brayden Campbell Parks (Baby B)



Emma Lee Parks (Baby C)


We so love the fact that Emma has her hand on her forehead in her picture. I can just imagine what she was thinking with both her brothers kicking her and the ultrasound tech moving all over my belly.

New weird body things:

-My "girls" seem to be leaking just a little. Ah! I know it's early, but from what I'm told it happens.

-Strange tightening/pulling (slight pains when I move too quickly) at the top of my stomach, just under my boobs. I called the doctor today. He very casually says, "Oh yeah, that sounds like your muscles attached to your ribs are stretching and quite possibly ripping away from your ribs. It's completely normal."

-Not so new, but ever growing belly hair. I noticed an increase of hair just about everywhere as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but now it's kind of starting to look like a happy trail.

Some recent Reflections:

-Thanksgiving- Very bittersweet for me as November 27th was my due date for my first pregnancy. I have very conflicting emotions about this day. I know that without experiencing the loss of our little angel, I would not have these precious babies growing inside of me now. However, I still miss that baby and grieve over the loss.

-I do have so much to be Thankful for now. In fact there are too many to list in one single post.

-Tomorrow is my last day of work before modified bed rest. I also have mixed feelings about that. I will miss my co-workers and students, but I am relieved that I can take it easy for these babies now. We FINALLY found the perfect replacement today. We interviewed 3 today, and I told my principal I just had a good feeling about one in particular, so he went with my feeling and offered him the job!

-The girls at work are throwing me a shower tomorrow at work. Initially, when they told me they were going to do this I freaked out because it's so early, but they really allowed me to set up some boundaries, so I feel comfortable now. It's now just a gift card shower, and I've also made commitment cards for donations of sick days. They can't really donate until I'm out of my own days, but I figured the more I could get to commit to it now, the better off I'd be. The school nurse said she'd email out a reminder when I was out of days so everyone wouldn't forget to fill out the appropriate paperwork for donations.

Well, I'm off to figure out what to eat for dinner. Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.

Happenings

I know I've been the worst blogger ever, so I thought I'd give some of you what you've been asking for.
20 weeks 1 day

I've been trying for quite some time to upload the latest ultrasound pictures, but for some reason when I hit the upload picture icon, nothing happens. So, It'll have to wait until next time.

Finally, 20 weeks in...this is starting to feel real. At the same time, I'm beginning to become terrified. You try for so long to get pregnant, that once you finally do, it's almost like shell shock. Don't misunderstand me here...I want nothing more than to be a mother, and I am thrilled that I am pregnant. It's just been difficult for me to really see the end result here, and now I'm so worried that these babies are going to come too early. I guess the worrying is just part of it. My husband once asked me when I was going to stop worrying.....I told him I would stop worrying when my children are grown with kids of their own, and it's time for me to go see Jesus.

As I am closing, I realize I haven't told you all the genders of our sweet little trio. So, please pray for my boys, their sister, and their mom and dad!

Quick Update

I haven't posted in several weeks, and I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still doing good. I'm 18 weeks now, and will be taken off work in a few weeks. I have another appointment Tuesday, and hopefully I'll be able to confirm the genders.

Continue to keep us in your prayers, and I continue to pray for all of you!

Miracles

I know I have been MIA for a while, but I promise...the wait is worth it. =)

After our loss in April, we allowed my body to heal after the D&C and waited patiently for AF to get back to normal. We decided to allow my body to have one natural cycle after that. I had emotional highs and lows that month. I struggled with "not" trying, and I longed to get back to the insanity of treatments. DH wanted to wait until August to start treatments again, but I convinced him that since school starts back in August, it wouldn't be a good idea. We decided to go ahead with treatments in July, and then take a break in August. We decided not to tell anyone that we were doing treatments, and just be private about what was going on with us.

Typically, when I do treatments, I tend to be uptight and pessimistic. I prayed A LOT and asked God to bring me peace through treatments, and boy did he ever! I have never felt so calm in my life. The game plan was similar to what got us pregnant the first time, so I was familiar with the routine. We did 150 units of Menopur and 75 units of Follistim with trigger and IUI. We were finishing up meds on vacation (we only went to Guntersville-- so we wouldn't be too far away from ART) and it turned out that each day that we were on vacation, I had to drive to B'ham to get follicle scans. The first scan was a little scary to me, but I reminded myself that God was in control. They talked about canceling my cycle because I responded too well. My ovaries were big, fat, and juicy. There were about 16 follicles counted, and 6 were in the lead. The next day, when I went in, a few of those had taken a lead, and by time we were ready to trigger, it looked like I had 5 that could be counted as mature. The nurse told me that I was at risk for multiples, and asked me if I wanted to go ahead with the trigger and IUI. With no hesitation, I told her that I was prepared for whatever happened. I prayed a lot, and just told God that I knew he was in control, and he would not give me more than I could handle.

The IUI was much different than I remembered from the first one. I had a lot of cramping, and I was so bloated I was sure I was overstimming. I drank lots of fluids, and took it easy until I started to feel a little relief.

Fast forward to the 2ww. I have to admit, although I did become anxious, it was by far the best and easiest 2ww I have ever lived through. When beta day came, I went and got my blood work early, and hoped they would call early. At about 2:00 I got a call from the nurse. First beta: 678!!!!!! She was very calm, and set up my next appointment, until I said, "That means there is more than one?!?!" She laughed and said, she was hoping I wouldn't know any better, but yes that I probably had multiples, but we couldn't speculate on how many.

We had our first ultrasound at 5w2d and the u/s tech looked at the screen then asked us how many mature eggs we had. We told her, and she said that she was seeing 2, possibly 3 babies. 2 gestational sacs had yolk sacs and a third possible sac, could have been just a fluid build up. They put us in a room to talk to a nurse. Everyone expected us to be shocked, but we were both pretty calm. The nurse advised us not to tell anyone that we were pregnant with triplets because I would most likely come back next week and they wouldn't all be there. (least favorite nurse--I think I've complained about her in the past)

The second ultrasound was a week later and we saw 3 babies and 3 heartbeats! Each week things seemed to be progressing well. At 9 weeks, Dr. L felt like things looked so good that it was time to say goodbye. He referred me to Dr. R who has had a lot of success with triplets. We saw him at 10 weeks, then again at 13 weeks. Praise God that the babies are all still looking good at this point.

I had my 10 year high school reunion last night, and I decided to let the cat out of the bag. So, today I'm letting the rest of the world know. I know that there are plenty of risks with a triplet pregnancy, and even though we are almost to 14 weeks, I am not out of the woods. I ask that you pray for Nick, Baby A, Baby B, Baby C, and I. I pray that we have 3 healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy.

Song

I am so saddened by some blog news I read today. I heard this song on the way home, and I felt compelled to share it.

"Love Them Like Jesus"

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

The Tree Wins!

Had a nice weekend. I spent some time with my family at the lake, for my niece's birthday. DH and others rode the jet ski again, but I didn't feel much like getting in the lake since my "lake funk" rash had finally cleared up since vacation. I didn't a little research, and Andrea, I think you were right about swimmer's itch...gross.

Yesterday was my friend's baby shower, it was nice. My sister offered to go with me, so that, on top of having my friend Hayden there, made things easier. There was only a time or two, that I wished I could chime in with the mommy talk, but overall it wasn't too difficult for me...

Until...I left.

There were a lot of cars parked, and I was the first to leave, I had to kind of maneuver to miss a car, and in the process backed right into a tree. I actually had no idea what I had hit, because when I looked back, and in all my mirrors I still saw nothing. My sister got out and checked the damage because I was freaking out too badly to do so, and she helped me cope with my little drama. So, I'm out a tail light. My bumper dented it, but since it's a Jeep, and the bumper is rubber, it popped itself back out when I was driving. There are a few bark marks on it, but the bulk of the damage was the tail light. I stopped at advanced auto, and they quoted me $135 bucks for a new one, so I decided to call some junk yards. My husband said he found one for $50 bucks, so hopefully we'll be able to get that done in the next few days. Until then, I'm rocking the red redneck tape!

Hope everyone has a good week.

Dear Infertility

A friend of mine, Hayden-therapist in training, suggested I do this little exercise, and I thought I'd give it a shot.

Dear Infertility,
I've never known such hatred, sadness, guilt, and despair since you came into my life. You've ruined everything that I thought I would be. You've taken a toll on my heart, body, and mind. You have broken me. You've put strain on my relationships, and you've pushed resentment and jealousy into my heart. You have turned me into a woman obsessed with wanting what she can't have. You have placed doubt and uncertainty in every aspect of my being. You've hurt so many of us, in turn adding more hurt in my life for the others surrounding me that have to know you. You've shattered so many dreams, and literally made my life a living hell. You've made it difficult for me to find happiness in things that should bring me joy. You've robbed me from sharing motherhood with my sisters and my friends. You've robbed me of myself. Worst of all, once I felt like I had beaten you, you killed my baby. My womb is empty, my arms are empty, and my heart is empty. There is nothing or anyone else to blame, but you. I hate you, infertility. I hate you.


Ok, now that THAT is out of my system! Whew, I really do feel better. I realize that I've been carrying a lot of blame for my infertility. I've felt shamed that I can't reproduce like every "normal" woman is supposed to. I've also felt a lot of shame for losing the baby. When I found out I had ACL, I looked at my husband and said, "I killed our baby." I realize now, it's nothing I did, or could control, but it sure feels good to put the blame on something else.

So, for all of you Gleeks out there...yes Kara, I'm talking to you too. =) There was an episode when Rachel and her mother were singing together prior to being reunited. I absolutely blubbered like a baby when I watched. I finally got around to buying the Glee Vol. 3 soundtrack and the song is on there. It's from Les Miserables originally, and Glee cut some lyrics out and modified a little bit, but I want to share them with you, and tell you how I relate to them.

I Dreamed a Dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Do you remember when everything seemed so hopeful, before infertility?
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
I wish I could go back to the time when I had no worries..I long for the innocence and life I had before infertility.
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they turn your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
My tigers are infertility, depression, anger, jealousy, guilt, resentment.
And still I dream she'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I still dream about my child, and how my life would be different with her here with me, but then when I realize it can't ever be...it kills me.
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed
This part speaks for itself.

I know it's cheesy to get so emotionally caught up in a song...especially if it's from Glee, but I really felt like I needed to share it with everyone.

I hope everyone has a nice weekend. TRY to relax and have a good time. Remember those who died for our freedom, and those who continue to fight, as well as their families who may be missing them right now. God Bless America!

Father's Day

Yesterday was a little tricky for me. I tried not to think about it too much, but inevitably around 4:00 yesterday, the emotions started coming back.
-I wish I could make my husband a father.
-I wish hearing of others pregnancies didn't make me hurt.
-I wish I could focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
-I wish we were doing treatments next month.
-I wish someone would give me a baby.
-I wish my friends and family could understand.
-I wish someone could just "fix-it."
-I wish I had my baby back.
-I wish I wasn't wishing.
-I wish I could just let go and have fun.
-I wish letting go was easier.
-I wish my best friend wouldn't read this post and think I need therapy.
-I wish I didn't feel like 28 was old.

Oh, what am I kidding? I could go on forever.... All things considered, I feel like I've done a pretty good job of dealing with everything, thanks to God. I'm just having a few down days right? Please tell me this too, shall pass.

I've been trying to lose some weight since the miscarriage, and I did well for the first 2 weeks. This weekend I completely blew it, and the scales told me all about it this morning. On that note...one final wish. I wish that food wasn't my comfort.

Summer Days

It's been a while since I've blogged, and though there is nothing really new in the fertility world to update on, I thought I'd let everyone one know what I've been up to. Summer is in full swing, and it's hard to believe that June is half way over. I've spent a few days by friends pools, more days recovering from the sunburn of those days, one day at a teacher workshop, and several evening keeping babies at VBS.

Two Sunday's ago we joined Crosshaven Church, which is a big step for us. I've been church "homeless" for quite some time. As a child, my mom had my sisters and I in church every time the doors were open. When I was a teenager, my church went through a horrible split, and I saw a lot of God's people, whom I had looked up to all my life, act in horrible ways. There's nothing quite like seeing christian people yell at each other in the sanctuary after a prayer meeting on a Sunday evening. My mother and I parted from the church with the pastor, and a small group of followers, and The Fellowship was created. I attended, and I enjoyed church, but I still felt like things were a bit of a mess. It wasn't long after joining that I became a paid employee of the church, and I tucked myself away in the nursery caring for the babies. I enjoyed it, but I missed church. The few times I was able to attend a service, all anyone knew to say to me was "who's watching the nursery?" About that time, I moved away from home, to an apartment in Jacksonville while I was in college. I tried to plug myself in the BCM, but my roommate and I never felt like we were a part of the group, so eventually we quit attending. When I married Nick, and we moved to Cullman, finding a church home wasn't my number 1 priority, but I did have some guilt about not attending. So, it wasn't long before I found another paid nursery job at FUMC in Cullman. I loved the church, loved the families, but still felt like I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing. After a few years of working in the nursery, and really struggling with infertility, I felt called to find a church home. My husband was finally open to the idea, so I resigned from my nursery job, and we started the church home hunt. It didn't take long before we found where we were comfortable. I feel really blessed to be a member of Crosshaven, and the people there are so genuine.

I feel blessed, that through my miscarriage, I have been able to become closer with God. My faith had been suffering for quite some time, and I truly know what it feels like to be held in God's loving and comforting arms. I now know, that no matter what we endure here on Earth, it will all be worth it in the end. I remember saying once that I knew God had a plan for me...but I hated his plan. Now, I can say that God's plan may not be what I want, but it still holds good things for me. I also know that one day, I will hold my little baby in heaven some day. My baby, Hope (as I have been to referring him/her as) learned how to rest in God's arms long before I did, and I have peace in that.

I still struggle from time to time with my infertility mania. Last night specifically was a moment of weakness, as I know that sometime this week is "day 14" and it's hard not to try. I reminded myself this morning, that I've got to stop putting fertility before God. It's something I need continued prayer for. I'd also like to request prayer for a personal situation that has presented itself in my life. There is a big opportunity, that we don't want to jump into unless it's God's plan for us. Just pray that we'll have God's wisdom in our decision making, and that what is meant to happen will happen.

I want each of you to know that I've been following your blogs, even if I haven't commented. Like a few others have mentioned, sometimes I don't comment because it's too hard, or I just don't know the right words to say. Just know that I pray for each of you in your journey to parenthood...no matter where you are.

It's official...

I'm no longer pregnant. Well according to numbers anyways. AF started to show up a few days ago, and "officially" started yesterday. It's been very heavy and uncomfortable. We're taking time off from treatments, but the nurse told me that I still needed to come in for basline u/s and blood work. I get there this morning, and take my bottoms off and get on the table, heavy aunt flo with me...and then she asks me if I have my meds ordered. I told her I wasn't doing treatments, and she asked what I was doing there. UGH. She told me to get dressed and just get some blood drawn. Such a waste of a trip.

By regluar blood girl wasn't there, and it took 3 sticks to get the blood. The vein on my hand is blown. UGH. I checked my voice mail, and in a chipper voice I hear this: "We have the results from your pregancy test. It's was negative, so your pregnancy is resolved!" Hm....mixed feelings here. I'm not feeling so "resolved" about the whole thing. Sure, I'm glad, there aren't any lingering cells doing bad things down there, keeping my beta up....but I was supposed to have a baby growing in there, and now I don't. I feel quite unresolved actually. UGH.

On a positive note, driving to B'ham wasn't a total bust, I got to hang out with 2 of my friends from high school. It was good to spend time with them. I'm about to head to my sisters to play Just Dance on her Wii...that game is so fun.

Have a good weekend all, I'm thinking about all of you--no matter where you are in your journey.

Poem

I know I'm being super bloggy tonight, but I keep finding things that I want to remember and want to share.

I wish I would have read this on Mother's Day.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear
My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons are through
And on the day you come home
they'll be at the gates for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth
May not realize
Until their time is done
Remember all the love you have
And know that you are
A Special Mom

Author Unknown

Also, if you haven't heard "I Will Carry You" by Selah you need to.

Glory Baby

I've not heard this song, but a friend told me about it and I wanted to share the lyrics with you.

Watermark: Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

In honor

"A month ago yesterday I found out that my baby no longer had a heart beat. Today I would have been 14 weeks pregnant. I'm not sad today. In fact, I have a peace about me. As I exited my front door for work this morning, I just smiled as I looked at my flower bed. My mother bought me a hydrangea bush right after the loss. I planted it, and I've watered it, it has bloomed, and it is beautiful. Only this morning did I make a connection that this bush was in honor of my baby, and it made me so happy to see the beautiful blooms. My 'baby bush' is such a blessing to me.

I've received several blessings this week. A special gift arrived in the mail from my sweet bloggy friend Shanny Thanks Girl! Another, worthy of mention, blessing happened this morning. On my way to work, a truck ran a stop sign and came within a foot of hitting me on the driver side. Not an ugly word escaped my lips! I was really angry for a minute, but I quickly changed to being so thankful. The words that escaped my lips were, 'Thank you God!' I'm alive!

Article

I know Mother's Day is well past us, but I ran across this article that I really enjoyed reading. I thought you might enjoy as well.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say on Mother's Day

Something to be excited about...

So, it's been pretty difficult to find anything to be excited about since our loss, but my husband and I just had a pretty exciting conversation.

We decided:
1. We are meant to be parents.
2. We will continue to try for our own child.
3. We are going to start the adoption process!

So, here is what I need from you gals. We have no idea where/how to start. Tell me EVERYTHING you know about adoption.

Answers

Yesterday I got a call from a nurse at ART. I missed the call, but they left a voicemail. My Thrombosis profile aka 9 vials of blood results came back. I apparantly have elevated levels of Anticardiolipin. They said that if I get pregnant again, I'll take aspirin and Heparin. Initially, I was devastated...especially after doing research. I wanted answers, I just didn't want this answer. Today, I actually spoke with a nurse and I feel a little bit better. She said a negative test is less than 10, a positive test was greater than 80. I fell in the low-moderate range wich was a 32. She told me that I may not always have a positive reading, and that these numbers can fluctuate. She said that I would be tested again next time I conceive I would have the test again, start the aspirin and heparin, then test again at 14 weeks. She said a lot of times during pregnancy the levels will regulate themselves. Then, I asked her if she felt like this was the cause of the miscarriage. She said, she couldn't be sure but probably. I also told her that I felt like my period was no where in sight, and asked her when I should be concerned. She said if after 6 weeks from the D&C I have not started I should call. So, that means June 18th...my anniversary. At least I have a date...something to look forward to...and if it starts before then, yay...but if not..I'll know that we need to do something. So..there are my answers. They weren't the answers I was necesssarily hoping for, but they are answers nonetheless.

Question

So, a few days ago, as I was going over some of the financial aspects of future treatments, I ran across an Article online about the fertility drug "black market." In the article, a woman was discussing the dangers of buying such drugs online, and the benefits. She said she would do it again and again, despite the risks, anything to start a family. So..my question to you. Have any of you purchased your medications online from an individual seller? I have to admit...I'm tempted. $24 for a vial of Menopur vs. $66 (at a discount pharmacy). Really...tempted. However, my "good girl" morale is kind of freaking me out. I told my husband, that I was considering trying it, and that I felt dirty. His response was that I'd end up in jail, but I just wanted to see if any of you gals had any experience...good, or bad.

Something encouraging

I found this post on the Resolve Community, and it brought me some peace. I just thought I would share. Keep fighting the good fight ladies. I sure am trying =)


Alright so I want to make a confession to all of you who have yet to get your BFP, I know that on this website almost everyone says to "stay positive" I'm guilty of it too. I also know how incredibly hard it is to actually stay positive. (easier said than done right?) I want everyone on here to know that I was down and not feeling very good about this last cycle which was our 3rd IVF, the only thing I finally starting taking comfort in with this last cycle compared to the first two was that I knew no matter what whether it worked or it didn't, was that God gave me the strength to FIGHT. And when I say fight I mean...fight for what I want, fight for my family, fight to WIN! I knew that it may not have worked but that in the end my husband and I would somehow, someway have the family of our dreams.

My very best friend through this fertility battle was a women who went through the same thing...someone who ACTUALLY knew what I was going through, someone who would justify all of my ridiculous, angry, mean, jealous, terrifying thoughts. And continue to tell me that it was ok to feel the way I did, and that it did not make me a horrible person. One of the things she told me that meant soooooooo much to me that I want to share with all of you, is this......

She told me to look around...to think of all the people who have said things next to you or even to you about how "if you stop trying so hard you will get pregnant," "if you are positive it will happen," "Oh it only took me and my husband 2 months to conceive," or (My personal most hated beyond all hate comment) "I'm pregnant again....and it was an accident" UGHHH (this one still makes me cringe!) She told me that I have to consider how weak they are and that if God put this on their shoulders they would have crumbled, they would no longer be able to function. But no, he chose us, WHY, because we are the ones capable of FIGHTING, the one's who lose month after month, year after year, and survive to fight another day with some tiny almost non-existant amount of hope. We are the ones with the strength not the weakness that will fight until we WIN. Don't ever give up! If you want your family...KEEP TRYING. You may never get the family that you were always dreaming of...(one boy that looks like DH, one girl that is identical to you...etc) But when God leads you down the path to your family you will realize it is better than you had ever imagined and you will look back on all of this and know that every second of this was worth the beauty and perfection of YOUR family.


So I leave you with this....it's not always important to be positive, it is important never to lose that tiny, tiny, speck of hope, and whatever you do, do NOT stop FIGHTING! I know whatever path God leads you on all of you amazing, strong, beautiful women will be the BEST mom's anyone has ever seen!!!!

Would Have

I would have been 12 weeks pregnant today. I'm sure there will be so many "would haves" in my future. I'm handling today okay though. I guess sometimes you just have that peace. I'm not saying that tomorrow I might be a basket case, or even later today for that matter, but right now...I'm okay.

I've been reading a devotional book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. One of the devotions that has stood out to me talks about the story of the 2 women in 1 Kings who were fighting over a baby. I've heard this story several times in my life growing up in church, but this time I had some different feelings about it. When I was young, I thought the woman who was claiming the baby was hers was an insane horrible woman. Now, I feel so sympathetic for that poor woman. I'm not saying that taking someone's baby and trying to claim it as your own is right by any means, but think about what grief she must have been feeling when she woke up and her baby was dead...and close by, just within her reach, there was another beautiful, healthy baby. Since jealousy is something I've been struggling with, I can imagine how she might have felt looking at the other baby...longing for it as if it were her own. Poor woman. I do have to say though, that I think she was a bit off her rocker, when the king said that the solution was to cut the baby in half, her response was "Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!" Bless her heart, I know that sometime in the pit of despair, I have felt that I just wanted others to feel the hurt like I do so I wouldn't be alone in my pain....but come on woman, seriously?!

Anyways, I just thought it was interesting how life experiences, no matter how good or bad can change the meaning of a story you've heard all your life.

Right after work I'm heading to B'ham for the Extraordinary Women's conference with my big sister. I pray that God speaks to me, and continues to bring me peace and strength in my hour of need. My heart goes out to Patrish right now, I'm sending love and prayers your way.

Just curious

Anyone going to the Women's Conference in B'ham this weekend?

Post-op

I went in yesterday afternoon for my post-op appointment. I was very emotional just being in the office again. Fortunately I seemed to be the only patient at ART at 1:00 yesterday, so that was helpful. I spoke with Dr. Long first, and he seemed hopeful, and I guess I seemed pessimistic. He told me that the chromosomal testing on the baby couldn't be done because the tissue didn't "grow out." Whatever that means, I couldn't really ask too many questions because I was trying not to have a nervous breakdown. I did manage to tell him, that I wanted him to do whatever testing he could to make sure this wasn't going to be something that happens over and over for me. I've heard of too many women, and read the blogs of too many women, that go through this multiple times, and I just don't know if I'm cut out for it. He pulled out his calculator and gave me some statistics, and said the odds are in my favor. In my head, I was thinking, well...the odds were in my favor last time too--and I miscarried. So far I've fallen into the wrong side of statistics. 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. *sigh* Next, he put me in the same tiny room that I had to wait in the day we found out about the miscarriage....talk about the walls closing in on me. A nurse I had never dealt with, I wanna say her name was Yvonne, or something like that came in and told me that next cycle I would do 150 menopur and 75 of prevera (not sure if I spelled that one right) Before the words, "we're going to take a break from treatments" came out of my mouth I was telling her that I still had some Follistim from St. Vincents in my fridge. She told me I could use that instead of the prevera. I guess that saves a little money. I still intend on taking a small break, but it kind of amused me that I jumped right into the planning part again, I guess I don't know how not to try. She told me that I would come in on Cycle Day 3 whenever I decide to have a period for a baseline, then I would have the dye test again....depending on what my beta was doing. She gave me some more yucky antibiotics, and a phone number for a pharmacy (Ascend) and then took me to the lab.

There is something about that lab tech that really gets my tears flowing. She noticed my necklace as she was drawing 9 viles of blood for some type of profile (does anyone remember the name of this blood profile?) She told me again about having 3 miscarriages before having her daughter, and I just told her, that she was stronger than me, and that I couldn't do it again.

They called this morning and told me my beta was 12.8 and that they'll check it again when I come in for my baselines before the dye test. I was hoping the beta would be all the way gone. It makes me sad that I still have a number...I realize that it isn't a high number, but still it's like my body doesn't want to give up.

It's strange how some one's words can bring comfort one day, and then the next they hurt. I guess the 2 pieces of advice/encouragement that bring on these mixed feelings are "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "God has a plan for you"

On a good day, I think "Yay! You're right...I can get pregnant." The next, I may think "Who cares if I can get pregnant, I have no idea if I can carry a baby to term." Or "Yes, God does have better things planned for me." but then... "I hate God's plan for me."

I know I shouldn't hate God's plan...but sometimes I do. I realize I should be looking to God for peace and strength, and sometimes I do, but sometimes I'm so angry with him. I'm angry at everyone really. I love my mom more than words, but I even resent the fact that she could have 3 children and I can't. I wish they would make an island for infertiles, so that those of us that didn't want to deal with the beauty of a pregnant woman, or a sweet babies cry could just get away from it all for a little while. I wouldn't want to live there, I'd miss my family too much...but sometimes it's just too much to take.

Still breathing

I really have a lot of guilt because I haven't shown my gratitude to those of you who have been so supportive of me through the past few weeks. I really do appreciate everything you've done, all the uplifting comments, prayers and thoughts. I don't want any of you to think for one second that I don't appreciate you all being here for me.

With that being said, I'll update you on my current mental/emotional status. I hurt. I went and picked up my mother's day gift to myself Friday at Kay Jewelers. It's a memorial necklace for the baby. It brought me a little comfort, just to have something tangible.

Saturday was the first day I made it through the day tear free. My husband and father-in-law took me fishing. I let my mind go free for a while. Yesterday was rough. I didn't go to church because I just didn't think I could handle it. Nick and I laid around and watched movies all day. I made it okay until around 7 when I had a pretty significant melt down. I should have stayed off facebook; it was my trigger. I want to feel happy for all the mothers and mothers-to-be, but I can't help just feel resentment right now. Yesterday should have been a happy day for me. I feel like I've been robbed. I tried to take my mind off of IF and our loss by watching Lovely Bones, but I cried all the way through that too. My sweet husband held me and cried with me when we went to bed. I love him for that. Sleep came easier for him though, I probably only got 2 hours last night.

I'm currently hating work right now, it's IEP season, and the paperwork isn't what is bringing down. I'm having a really hard time dealing/working with the kids that I've always loved so much. My temper is short, and I'm angry with myself for being that way.

I thought my post-op appointment was today, but when I called to check they said it wasn't until Wednesday. I was hoping to go today, because I want some answers. I realize he may not have any answers for me, but I still need to ask the questions for my peace of mind.

Anger

I thought I was going to have a good day today, but I sit here at my desk this afternoon as a very angry woman.

My husband has been telling me that he thinks we should take a cruise this summer. He thinks it would be a good idea for us to take the trip for healing purposes. Until this afternoon, I thought it was a great idea. We don't have the money for it, but we were going to make a way. I even left work this morning to go send off my renewal form for my passport.

This afternoon, I've thought of nothing other than reasons why I should just stay home.
1) No trip, no matter how great, is going to make me feel okay with what has happened to my baby.

2) Oil Spill

3) Money

4) Will I be off on a cruise wishing I hadn't gone, so that I could be getting some type of fertility treatments?

5) If we can't afford the cruise, and we do everything we can to pay of it, then how am I going to be able to come up with money for fertility drugs?

6) Booking a trip for "relaxation" shouldn't be so stressful, I just want to give up.

7) Money

8) Oil Spill

9) I'm angry

10) Nothing EVER seems to be easy for us...I'm angry (did I mention that?)

I could go on forever, but I won't.

One week later...

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have mixed feelings about this statement this week. Although, I know in my heart that I'm going to make it through this a stronger woman, I also find myself thinking, "Miscarriage hasn't killed me...but it should have, no one should have to live through this pain." Each day has gotten easier, but each day has also brought on new questions: What if...? Why did God tease us? Where do we go from here? How much is too much? When do we stop?

Last Sunday morning, before the fatal ultrasound. I woke up from a dream that I knew was from the devil. In the dream, I was at ART, the nurse came in and started the ultrasound. She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, there is no fetal heartbeat." I woke up immediately and prayed to God. I begged and pleaded to him and asked to make sure my baby was okay. As I got ready for church, I convinced myself that Satan had caused me to have this dream. During church, at some point, I noticed my noticed that my skin wasn't as broken out as it had been, and my breasts weren't as sore. Again, I tried to put it out of my mind as just another worry brought on by the devil.

My husband arranged to go to my ultrasound with me. He told his boss that we had a pregnancy scare, and he needed to be with me. We were both going to go into work after the ultrasound. I kept hoping that I was being dramatic, and that everything was going to be okay. Once I arrived, I gave urine and blood, a routine I know all too well. The lab tech asked me what was wrong. I guess my fear was all over my face, I told her nerves. I saw Tammie walking down the hallway, and knew she would be the one to do the ultrasound, and we were almost immediately called back. I'm sitting on the table and she comes in, my feet are up, and the ultrasound wand is in, and I see it. I knew myself that there was no heartbeat. I say nothing, and wait for the words, so my husband can hear what I already knew. She said, "Here is the head, here is the rump, and here is where the heartbeat should be. I'm so sorry." She tells us we measured 8weeks2days. That was only 2 days growth from last week's ultrasound. That means my baby died on Thursday.

She left the room, and showed us where the tissues were, and said to take our time. Nick was crying and I was just numb. All I could say to Nick was "I really thought everything was going to be okay." I got dressed and we went to the same room where Dr. Long had congratulated me before, and we sat. And sat. And sat. One of the nurses, I'd seen before, Ann, came in and offered us a care package and her condolences. She told us that the doctor wasn't in yet, and when he came in he would discuss our options with us. She left, and we sat. And sat. Finally, Dr. Long came in. He told us how sorry he was, and that no matter what we did, or he did, we were all just spectators. He told us that it was good that now we know we can get pregnant, and that Nick and I are still young, so we have a good chance of getting pregnant again. We set up my surgery, for I couldn't imagine waiting for it to happen on it's own. I didn't officially lose it, until the lab tech came in to do my pre-op blood work. She cried with me, because she understands the pain. She told me that she had 3 miscarriages before she got her miracle.

Telling our families was the hardest. I felt not only like my dream was over, but that I had somehow let down our family. Nick is his mom's only child, and she has wanted a grand baby for so long. She was so happy when she found out I was pregnant. Work was another worry of mine. Luckily, I have some good friends that took care of everything for me. I took the rest of the week off to grieve. I gave them a list of all the people that needed to know. I couldn't bare to think about someone asking me how my pregnancy was going when I had just lost everything.

Just so I don't leave anything out, I'm going to do a quick outline of my week.

Tuesday: Once we get home, Nick and I just cry, sit in silence, then cry some more. The school nurse brought some BBQ by the house for us. She cried with me.

Wednesday: Nick goes to work, I'm alone. Didn't sleep much through the night. When I did sleep, every time I woke up I had to remember again that my baby was gone. My oldest sister, Jennifer and her family comes and brings pizza for dinner.

Thursday: Nick leaves for work and tells me I have to get out of the house. Someone from work leaves a card at the door with gift cards to restaurants. Mom comes, we go out for a little bit and buy Nick birthday presents. My friend, Amber stops buy and brings us Salads from Sweet Peppers.

Friday: Surgery. Arrive at hospital at 8:00, but do not go back for surgery until 1:00. I wake up crying, asking them what they did with my baby. Nurse tells me to stop wiping my eyes. They give me more pain meds. Friends from church bring by dinner. I threw up while they were visiting.

Saturday: Depressed. I tell Nick I have to leave the house, we go to Albertville. We see the town for the first time since the tornado, it's devastating. Spend some time painting ceramics with mom and sisters at Groovy Gallery in Boaz. Have dinner with the family and cake and ice cream for my sister, Erin's, and Nick's birthdays.

Sunday: Go to church hoping for some answers. The sermon is good, but I find myself drifting off and staring at all the women with children. Sweet Liz and Samantha come by afterwards and bring dinner. We ate the wonderful meal, and then I start to worry about going back to work, and facing everyone.

Monday: I held it together until about lunchtime, when I started to tell the ladies more details. I run into my principal, who told me if at any time it got to be too much, that I could leave campus for a while. He's so understanding. I decide to go talk to my pregnant friend in the library. I tell myself I need to see her now, or I'll just avoid hard situations forever. It goes surprisingly well. We go to Fultondale for Nick's birthday. We stop at Kay's and I get my diamonds checked and cleaned then I order a necklace. It's an angel with April birthstone. It reads "forever in our hearts" the sales clerk tells me I'll have it in time for mother's day. I look at my husband and say, "Happy Mother's Day to me" He smiles. We go to GNC buy more Fertility Blend for Men, then eat at Casa Fiesta. Walmart, then home.

Tuesday: I wake up thinking, "I would be 10 weeks 4 days today." I was planning on announcing my pregnancy on FB at 10 weeks because I knew I couldn't last until 12. I tell myself I'm going to have a good day. I arrive at work and as I'm walking to my building a car pulls up next to me. "I hear congratulations are in order" with a big smile. Lump in my throat..."no I lost the baby last week." Insert words of encouragement here...I was so focused on not losing it, that I heard nothing. She pulls away. I lose it. Luckily I'm early to work, early enough to pull myself together. No tears since 7:30 this morning. Improvement.

I'm sorry this is so long. A friend suggested I blog even if it would be depressing, and surprisingly I feel a little better having blogged. I started reading "Grieving the Child I never knew" this morning. It looks like it's going to be helpful. Keep us in your prayers. We need love, strength, guidance, and healing right now. I am so thankful to all of you who have left such comforting comments on my blog, and I continue to pray for all of you.

Heartbroken

I write the blog with a very heavy heart. Today's ultrasound showed no fetal heartbeat. I have a D&C scheduled for Friday. My husband and I ask that you pray for us in our time of grieving.

Albertville, AL Tornado Damage

Albertville, AL Tornado Damage

Tuesday

I have another ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday, and I'm having a bit of anxiety about it. It's been a rough week. After speaking with the nurse (whose name I don't know) on Wednesday, everything kind of went fuzzy. Thursday, I got a text from my husband, showing me a bloody hand. At work, while trying to cut a tie off of some parts, he slipped and the knife stabbed him directly in the crease between his left thumb and pointer finger. He was okay, just had to get 4 stitches. His truck had been in the shop for a while, and his keys had his house key on it. So, he called me to come let him in the house so he could change out of his bloody clothes. When I pulled in the drive, he was bent over in pain...not with his hand, but with his back. Apparently, he pulled his back prior to stabbing himself, but it only began to cause him significant pain after he left the doctors office. I had to help him get changed, and as he was walking out to the truck his leg buckled beneath him. He insisted on going back to work, but then just as soon as I got to work, he sent another text and said he couldn't do it, and he was on his way home. I encouraged him to return to the doctor, but he said he'd be fine. When I got home he was in such pain, I dug out my old pain pills from my foot surgery about a year ago and told him to take one. He took one then, and before bed. Nick doesn't work on Fridays, so as I was at work, he called and let me know that he called work and explained that his back was really bothering, and they told him to go back to the doctor that they would cover it under workman's comp. All the doctor gave him was some samples of celebrex, but the part that is really upsetting is that, since it was workmans comp, they required him to take a drug test. I start to panic because I had given him the pain pills, and they were clearly not his prescription. People are losing their jobs all the time because of stupid things like this. The next thing I know, I've worked myself into a near panic attack. I could literally feel my heart beating in my neck. I ran to the nurse and took my blood pressure, and it was 155/103. Then I begin to panic because my blood pressure is high and it's not good for the baby. I've already been so worked up about the baby this week, that I knew this was bad. I broke down and called ART at 1:30. I knew they closed at 2, so I called and told the receptionist that I needed to speak with a nurse right away.

I told the nurse (who's name I know..starts with K and rhymes with Aaron) everything that I was feeling, what the nurse had told me when I called Wednesday and how I was absolutely losing my mind with worry. She grabbed my file, and said that yes, while my gestational sac is measuring behind, I had good cardiac and baby growth, and I needed to focus on that. She told me that the only thing I need to worry about it getting calmed down, and getting my blood pressure under control. I'm sure she had to think she was dealing with a nut, but at that point...I was at my breaking point. Speaking with her did make me feel better though. The school nurse allowed me to take the blood pressure cuff home with me, and I was able to monitor it until it finally came back to normal. When I got home, I told Nick that I couldn't worry about his job, that if he were to get fired, then God wanted him to find something else anyways. He then told me that he is planning on going in first thing Monday morning and just coming clean with them and explaining the situation to them. It's clear that he is in pain, still at this point. He walks with a curve in his back, and if you had to share a bed with him, you'd fully understand with all the tossing, and grunting that's been going on the last 3 nights.

Pray that Nick's work situation works out for us. Also, pray that my mind remains calm, and that my baby is doing well. Lastly but absolutely not least, please keep the other RachelP in your prayers as she goes in for surgery Tuesday. Every day of the week is a big day for someone out there. Tuesday just happens to be another big day for Rachel and myself.

Phone Call

I called the nurse messaging center this morning, because I had some questions about my gestational sac measurements. Dr. Long had mentioned that it was measuring behind but didn't tell me how far behind. I had plenty of time to sit down and ask all my questions. I hoped by talking to this nurse (who was very nice) I would get a better understanding, and I would be able to put my worries to rest. Well, I understand better, but my worries are now magnified.

First, I asked her baby and sac measurments.

Baby: (measured twice yesterday) 7 weeks 6 days and 8 weeks 0 days

Gestational Sac: Last weeks visit 4/12: 5 weeks 4 days Yesterday 4/20 6 weeks 1 day

Next, I asked her if she though the bleed could cause the small sac. She said no.

Then, I asked what risks were associated with a small sac. She said, with sympathy, that a lot of times it could mean miscarriage. She said it didn't always mean miscarriage, but often it does. She told me that I should try to remain positive, and that as long as baby and sac keep growing we had a good chance, and that they were just going to continue to monitor me closely.

Needless to say I'm terrified. I'm trying to find the courage to just let go and let God, but I find myself thinking that I've worked way to hard at this for it to be taken away. Please continue to pray for us.

Well...

I was not released as expected. The ultrasound measured me at 8 weeks, and according to my LMP I am 8 weeks 4 days. The bleed was still there, but I wasn't really concerned by it. They explain it to me like I have no idea it's there every time I have an ultrasound, so I just asked her if it was new blood or old blood. Her reponse..."I have no idea about that" This wasn't the girl that had been doing the ultrasound since I've been pregnant, but I do remember her from routine follicle scans. I didn't let her lack of knowledge in the bleed area get me down because I was on cloud nine after seeing the baby, and the heartbeat, and I was feeling confident about talking to Dr. Long. Dr. Long came in and of course mentioned the bleed. I asked him if it had gotten bigger and he said no, and that the culture they did last week came back fine, but since the gestational sac is smaller than he would like he's concerned that there still might be an infection despite the normal culture. So, antibiotics for 7 days, Ultrasound and bloodwork next week, and an appointment with Dr. Long again the first week of May. I had some time to sit and think about that before the nurse came in to talk to me. She asked if I had any concerns, and I told her I was concerned about the antibiotic and that my culture had come back normal. In a tone that really upset me she says, "Well, cultures aren't always accurate, and a bacteria infection can cause a miscarriage." So with tears in my eyes, I just followed her to get my bloodwork done. Apparantly I was wearing worry all over my face, and the peppy little blonde that does the blood work, asked if something was wrong. I explained to her the situation, and she told me it was in God's hands. She's right, but it didn't keep me from having a meltdown in my car in the parking deck. Typically going to the doctor since I've found out I was pregnant has made me feel better....this time..not so much.

Nerves

Tomorrow is the day that Dr. Long is supposed to release me. I go in at 12:00 for ultrasound to check on bean, then I'll meet with him to see if he thinks I'm ready. I'm feeling very nervous about this appointment. As crazy and irrational as I hope I'm being, I still think that it's too good to be true, and I feel like at any minute something horrible is going to happen. I had been feeling really positive and calm about everything, but last night my nerves just started peeking through. Yesterday at church, I was very weepy, I felt like God was speaking to me, and I felt so good when I left church. I guess the stinky devil didn't like how I was feeling so he put that fear back in me. Ugh...stinky devil. With all this being said, I'm praying for a strong healthy hearbeat tomorrow with good growth, and I'm praying for a calm and peaceful mind until then. Please keep me in your prayers as well.

On a completely different note, today was an interesting day of work. We were on our spring break last week, and so it was difficult for me to get motivated to come back to work. 28 days until summer vacation! Yay! However, 3 times since I've been pregnant, my alarm clock has magically turned itself off. I've turned my alarm clock off before and overslept, but these past 3 times I have no recollection of turning it off! I must be sleeping hard. Luckily I woke up at 7:00 am each time I've done this. I'm supposed to be at work at 7:45 (but kids usually start coming to my room around 7:30. I took the fastest shower, threw on some clothes, slapped on some make-up, and kinda fixed my hair. I made it to work at 7:38! Ta-Dah! I'm amazing, right? Once I got here I remembered that both of the paraprofessionals plus the nurse that work with me were all going to be out. 1 of the 3 substitutes are tolerable. Since I have found out I was pg, I've not been lifting my student who has CP. So, today, I had no one that could lift her. She doesn't tolerate sitting in her wheelchair for longer than 30 min at a time..so for a few minutes she was crying out in pain, and I felt so helpless. I'm sure I could safely lift, but at this point, I'm not going to do anything that might hurt bean...not after what I've done to get here. Eventually, I worked up enough courage to tell the nurse's sub that I was pg, and I can't lift. Luckily she has a strong back and he did all the lifting today...Thank Goodness! I told her that I felt like I could probably safely lift at this early stage in pregnancy, but I had been through fertility treatments, and I didn't want to risk anything. It turns out she went through fertility treatments to have her first child...very similar story as me. Then she told me that after the first one, they began talking about going back to the Dr. to start for #2 when out of the blue they conceived on their own. Praise God! I like stories like that.

Wow, I'm rambling...but, very quickly before I go I'm going to do a quick review of the other 2 substitutes. I'll call them Mr. Wrinkles and Mr. Crazy.
Mr. Wrinkles has been subbing for years. He has the best heart, but not the best hearing. He annoys the kids, but they love him at the same time. At best, Mr. Wrinkles is a warm body at best. Mr. Crazy is a new sub in our system. He is obviously very intelligent. He holds multiple degrees, and seems well informed about...well...everything EXCEPT social skills. The first time I met him, he kept calling me to the corner for a private converstaion in which he would continue to yell for the entire campus to hear. Ex: "Are these kids severely retarded?" (very loudly in front of my entire class. Each time he has subbed in my room, I have begged him to leave early in the afternoons. Most of my students are picked up at 2:30, and I really don't need him. Not to mention that he stares at me funny and it creeps me out, but he refuses to do anything differently than the schedule that the parapro has left for him. I seriously seriously think this man has Asperger's Syndrome. Bless his heart. If this is the case and he does have Aspergers, why do I have no patience with him. I do great with children with Aspergers. He's just...bizarre.

Hm, deep thoughts. Well, I've been long winded, so I think I'll stop now.

Update

I just realized it has been almost a week since I've blogged. This week has been pretty uneventful. We're finally finishing up State testing at school, and our Spring Break is next week, so we are all counting down the days, hours, and minutes.

I had an appointment with Dr. Long Monday. I wasn't really sure the purpose of the appointment, but I went ahead. I had to take a whole day off work which was a bit frustrating because my sick days are like gold to me now. Immediately, a nurse called me back and took me to the ultrasound room and told me bottoms off. I asked her if she was sure I was supposed get one since I had just had one on Friday. She checked with Dr. Long, and he said go ahead. I was shocked at how different the baby looked in just 3 days. The heartbeat was even stronger. They did find a small bleed that they must have missed on Friday's ultrasound because they said it looked like it was already clotting. She said that I shouldn't freak out if I have some brown spotting (but then she smiled and said, you'll freak out anyways--you can call if you need to.) So far, no spotting..Praise God! She also noticed some more cysts on my right ovary. On Friday I had one big cyst, now I have 3. The two cysts are smaller. She said this was pretty common and I might have some cramping. She also said that they should go away on their own in another 4-6 weeks. I didn't ask what caused the cysts, but they are on the ovary that produced the best follicles. My left ovary was lazy with the Menopur.

So, I go back on Monday for another ultrasound, and I will go back the next week on Tuesday for another consultation with Dr. Long and ultrasound. Dr. Long said at that point he will most likely release me to Dr. Heaton. I'm glad they decided to hold on to me for a few more weeks. I need the extra attention right now.

Now, for my current symptoms and mental status:

Physically:
-No morning sickness at all. I've only gotten nauseous twice. In each situation I hadn't eaten in a while. It went away immediately after I ate something.
-Bloating/Water Retention- I was already pretty overweight, so I'm sure it'll be a long time before I can see a bump, but my pants do not want to button.
-Headaches- nothing bad (nothing at all like fertility treatment headaches)...and I refuse to take anything for it since Tylenol is all I can take, and frankly..it doesn't do a thing for me.
-Sore BBs- some days worse than others. Only bothersome when I take my bra off.
-VERY vivid and bizarre dreams

Mentally:
I'm doing better than the first few weeks, but I'm still worried. Most days I do pretty good, and I'm allowing myself happiness, but occasionally the devil creeps in and puts bad thoughts in my head. I need to learn Samantha's song that she wrote early in her pregnancy.

I hope everyone has been having a good week. I read blogs daily, and I continue to pray for each of you.

God is Great!

I have been thinking about how to write this blog for a little over 2 weeks, and after all that time of thinking, I still can't think of the best, or most clever way to say this, but I'M PREGNANT! By the Grace of God, despite all of my negativity and doubt, our first attempt at IUI was successful.

If you remember from a few blog entries back, I was being a total drama queen, and I was planning on skipping my beta blood test that was scheduled for Tuesday, March 16.
Some of my prayer warriors talked me into going, and I decided to just "get it over with." On the way to get the bloodwork done, my mom called and asked me what I was doing. I responded by saying that I was going to go take a negative pregnancy test. When the nurse called with the results, with trembling voice and shaking hands, all I could say was, "Are you kidding me?" Unfortunately I didn't take this phone call in private, and the ladies that work in my classroom with me put together the puzzle pieces and began jumping for joy. The next thing I know, one of my Autistic students joined in on the fun. Bless his heart, imagine trying to explain to him that he needed to keep this a secret for a while. From there, I called my husband, and all he said was "What?" I repeated myself, then he said "Awesome!" We told our moms that evening and close friends and family, but I vowed to keep it a secret as long as I could since the beginning is so scary. I am still trying to keep it under wraps from the "general public" so if you guys don't mind, please keep this on the down low.

The thing about getting a positive pregnancy test after infertility treatments that no one really tells you, is that you can't imagine the fear that comes with a positive test. I told my husband one day when I was feeling especially worried, "I know how to be infertile and deal with all the emotion that comes with that, but I don't know how to be pregnant and deal with these fears." He kept telling me to be happy and not worry, but I couldn't stop worrying. For future reference for all of you: When you get your BFP's stay off BabyCenter's forum. There can be some good encouraging information on there, but you have to weed through the scary horror stories first.

So, lets get down to the numbers and dates:
Feb. 19 - LMP/CD 1
March 4 - IUI (low morphology, 1 mature egg)
March 16 - Beta 63
March 23 - Beta 1,676
April 2 - U/S 1 perfect bean Measuring 5w5d (I am 6 weeks today)WE SAW THE HEARTBEAT!
Beta- 5,519
Nov. 26- Early Due Date (according to the interent calculators--the Dr. hasn't said)


I took a picture of the picture with my phone, so the quality isn't too great.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Long on Monday. The nurse said she felt like since everything looked good he may want to release me early. I think this is good news, but I'm kind of hoping they hold on to me for a while. I'm sure my OB would be fine, but I think emotionally, I need ART still.

I'm asking that all of you keep Nick, myself, and BabyP in your prayers, and please know that I am praying for all of you daily.

This is neat.

I ran across this website on another blog I follow. I thought it was pretty cool, and thought I'd share.

http://fertilitysocks.org/

MIA

I know I haven't posted in a while, things have been busy busy lately. We've been taking a lot of trips to Birmingham lately to help care for my father-in-law since his surgery. His heart is doing well, but they did find a blood clot in his neck. He has been on blood thinners since his surgery and his body is all bruised from that. Also, he has been a heavy smoker for years, and now he's having some trouble with his lungs. They want to get him back in soon to run some tests on his lungs, and come up with a game plan for that blood clot. He's been really struggling to quit smoking as well. Keep him in your prayers and ask that he gain the strength to quit.

Most of you know I'm a Special Education teacher, and I have to share my latest giggle with you. For confidentiality reasons, I'm only going to refer to the students as A and B. Student A is Autistic and possibly one of my all time favorite students (yes, I have a favorite...I'm a bad teacher) His scooby doo boxers are always hanging out the top of his pants, and he is a big boy who hovers over me when we stand next to eachother. Student B has Down Syndrome and ADHD. He's a little guy whose speech is hard to interpret for most everyone.

This took place Monday while the students were eating their lunch together:

Student A: Hey, Student B, What is your IQ?
Student B: (Blank Stare)
Student A: Well, what is 2+2?
Student B: (Blank Stare)

Student B begins to get nervous since Student A is drilling him, and he starts to rock back and forth and make a chanting like sound over and over.

Student A: (laughing) You're silly, but it's because your brain is so small.

It may not be as funny as I remember now that I'm writing it all down, but I could not stop laughing. First of all, I couldn't figure out how in the world Student A knew what an IQ was, much less that you might be able to determine it by adding 2+2. These kids never cease to amaze me. I have some bad days here and then, but I always need to remember to give thanks for such a great job and such wonderful students.

Ooohh Oooh Ooohh Oooh Oooooooh...

I got a new attitude! Or, at least I'm trying. =) It's been a crazy weekend. Nick's dad went into the hospital Thursday for shortness of breath, and it ended up that he needed triple bypass. He had surgery Friday. The surgery went fine, only now he isn't acting like him self, he'll get hung up on one certain word, like "okay" or "hey" stare off into space, not very responsive. They did a CT scan today and it came back ok, but they need to do an MRI because they think he's got blood clots in his brain. They have to wait until tomorrow to do the MRI because he still has the pacemaker wires in. This is scary business. So while all of this is going on, I was still in my crazy, emotinal, irration, depression. I wasn't being the most supportive wife to my husband, and he was at his wits end with my foul mood, and crying. So yesterday evening we had the most honest conversation with eachother, and I really feel better about everything. He's working on being more open with me, and I'm working on finding my "happy" again and trying not to let infertility define me. Be impressed, all of this is while I'm waiting on AF to show up. Since Nick's dad is at St. Vincents, we will be in B'ham until late, so I'm going to take a separate car and stay with my friend Hayden Monday night. I'm going to suck it up, and just go take the blood pregnancy test, then head into work. I'm at peace with not being pregnant this month, because my husband has agreed that we will start the adoption process at the end of this year. We are going to continue with treatments until then, but we know we want a child...although we would absolutely adore a bilogical child, we will have a family no matter what. I am looking forward to a month of no medication...we decided it wouldn't make any sense to persue treatment until Nick's boys had further testing. Continue to pray for us, and pray for Nick's dad. Have a great week!

Question

Well, I broke down and took a pg test today, and of course BFN. I didn't really expect any differently. Now here's my question. Do I still have to go to ART to let them do blook work? I mean I really don't need them to confirm what I already know. I don't need to drive an hour, use my gas, pay for parking, pay my co-pay, for them to tell me something I know the answer to. We've decided to take next month off, I need an emotional break, and we need to try to save some money, plus I thought it would be stupid to try again until the Dr. figures out if DH's swimmers are even able to penetrate an egg. So I thought about just saying "oops I've started my period--I won't be coming in today" when my period isn't due until 2 days after my scheduled pregnancy test. But then, I hate to lie. I just don't want them to tell me I have to come in, or try to plant some false hope in me, by telling me my home pregnancy test may not be accurate. Thoughts?

Are you okay?

It has been several weeks since someone at work has pulled me aside and asked that...until today. I went to the teacher's lounge to make some copies, and our secretary got that look. The "I have sympathy for you so I'm going to lower my brows and tilt my head sideways" look. Then comes the question. "Are you okay?" Such a simple question shouldn't throw a person off guard, but for an infertile like me who has come off of a hormonal weekend, I guess my reaction wansn't the best. I just looked her square in the face and replied with a simple "no" and went on with my copying. I really have to stop reacting this way, I was just so disappointed in myself because I thought I was doing a good job at masking my pain. She went on to say something along the lines of "I hate seeing you do this to yourself"....and I mumbled something about "if it doesn't kill me, I think I'm supposed to come out stronger" She hugged me and left me to my copying. After several hours of reflecting on this little incident, I've decided I need to go tell the secretary that I'm okay that she just caught me coming off a bad weekend, and I've also decided I need to try to find the happy me again. I can see glimpses of the happy me, but it should be far more than mere glimpses. So, tonight I'm going to attend a Premier Jewelry Party that I had planned on skipping because I wanted to avoid my friends with kids...and I refuse to let the fact that they have kids (and I don't) keep me from having a good time. Tomorrow, I'm going to the StarDome for my birthay with some other friends. I can be happy. I can be happy. I CAN be happy.

Hormonal Blogging...

could be worse than drunk dialing, in my opinion. Not that I do either of those things frequently, but yesterday the blogging one got the best of me. As, I was writing my blog about our first IUI, out of no where it took some marginally upsetting news and turned it in to the end of the world. I'm sure you can all relate, I ended up laying in my bed crying and screaming at God. I know...not good. Today, things look a little differently. We're going to try to hope for the best this cycle, and try to financially squeeze in another cycle after this, then we'll worry about the rest after that.

My family is coming over tomorrow from Albertville for my nephew's and my birthday. We are going to have lunch at my house, then go to FunZone. Doesn't that sound fun? I hope going to a whole zone of fun will take my mind to a happy place for a while. Until then, I'm stuck cleaning my house. It's ridiculous the amount of dog hair I just got out of my kitchen floor. I sure do love my Golden Retriever, but maybe raising him as an inside dog wasn't such a good idea. Oh well, he's 9 now, and there are no changing his living conditions now. He hates it outside, plus we don't have a fenced in yard, and Brody like to roam the neighborhood.

Well, I guess I'm going to get back to the daily grind.

My 1st IUI experience

Well, yesterday was an eventful experience. I'm sure all of you know the drill of the IUI, but as a first timer...we had some giggles for sure. We weren't sure if wives typically go to the "men's area" to help with their part of the job, so I went ahead and headed that way with him. It turns out, I was just a distraction, so I was banned from the room lol. Waiting for my appointment seemed like an eternity. We went down to Starbucks and ran into a coach from the high school that was waiting on his baby. I was happy for him. He and his wife had fertility struggles, then adopted a son a few years ago. This baby was a complete surprise and miracle.

Back on track, so when we finally got called back for the IUI, I was just amused at the whole, "state your name" session, and signatures that they did. I understand the importance of this, but for some reason, when someone knows my name and they ask me to state my name, it kinda makes me feel like a psychiactric patient. The procedure itself wasn't too bad. Like Samantha suggested, I just picked a spot on the ceiling and it was done in no time...just a little discomfort, noting major. Then we did the run down the hall in a sheet manuver to the u/s room. It determined that my egg did release.

On a more grim note. Dr. Long mentioned to us that Nick's SA showed that his numbers were good, but morphology wasn't great. He suggested taking fertility blend for men. Why was this not addressed before they were about to inject his boys? He kinda just played it off like it wasn't too big of a deal. Today, we get a message from the nurses, that painted an even more grim picture. The nurse said the numbers weren't as good as Dr. Long had made us feel they were, then she said they wanted to do a test to see if his swimmers were able to penetrate an egg. Of course insurance doesn't cover this test, and it runs about $400 dollars.

So, like that I go from hopeful to wanting to just quit trying all together. Not only am I a factor in our fertility struggles, now my DH is too. Makes my attempt at the IUI yesterday with one measly egg just a waste of effort. I know I'm supposed to be pulling my faith together right now, and trying to be strong, but I'm just angry. For the first time, DH is showing his stress about this whole situation...he's texting me from work now. I think I'll just go crawl back in bed today.

So, now my husband tells me that he's sorry but he doesn't think we can afford this anymore. He thinks maybe we'll get pg trying naturally. I don't think so. I'm kind of at a loss right now.

Thank You!

I just wanted to say Thank You to all of you that left such encouraging words on my last entry. Today's visit made me feel better, and a little more understanding of the numbers and process. My E2 was 291 and my biggest follicle was 1.9, so I'm content with that. I trigger tonight and go in for my first IUI on Thursday.

So, do any of you do anything differently on the day of your IUI? I decided to just take the day off since I'd be missing most of the school day anyways, then I got a wild hair and scheduled myself a massage for afterwards. It's also the night of the Rascal Flatts concert in Huntsville. My DH has already texted me and told me he didn't want me to go because it would be "too stressful" from what I read online, women are fine to continue their normal activities. What do you think?

On another note, on the elevator ride to the office was interesting. I recognized the girl that was in the elevator. It was my sister's college roommate! So, I broke the awkward silence in the waiting room, it turns out she was there to see Dr. Long too. Fortunately, she was there with good news....a positive pregnancy test. Then, on my way out, I saw Liz!

I believe you are all right, we need to schedule a Mid-March Mental Health Fertilifriend meeting. =) Anyone want to volunteer a house, or a coffee shop?

Uncertainty

As I progress through this month with my new doctor, I realize how uncertain I am about this whole process. I doubt my every move, question what's best for my body, and wonder if things will ever turn out. I went Saturday for u/s and blood work, and my E2 level was 109 and Progesterone .4; my largest follicle size was 1.3 This made me sad, although I'm not quite sure it should. Continued with more Menopur and then I went back this morning and my E2 was 232 and Progesterone .5 with my biggest follicle size 1.6 took one final day of Menopur. I go back tomorrow morning. I have no idea if any of these numbers will be good enough to get me pregnant this month, and I never know what questions to ask when I'm there. I really liked the nurse that did my u/s today, I think her name was Anne. My current worries are that, I won't get to do IUI because my numbers aren't better, but if I do get to go ahead with IUI it won't work because my numbers aren't better. It seems like I've become so accustomed to bad news, that I'm not sure if anything is good news. I need imput or translation of numbers. Help me out ladies.

When I went back to Southern to get more Menopur, the pharmacist says, "You know you have a $2000 cap on insurance, right?" Uh...no I've already used most of that in the last 2 months. My insurance has been covering 50% of my meds so far, and we've been struggling. I don't know how all these other women do it for so long. I guess I chose the wrong career path. Teacher's salary and infertility treatments don't mix. Where do I go from here? Loans? Asking loved ones for help? What are all of you doing?

Another bummer, I didn't go to the monthly Resolve meeting tonight. I could have used the fellowship. I just couldn't justify driving down twice in one day, and then having to turn around and go again first thing in the morning. I wish the meetings were bi-monthly...especially in long months like this one looks like it's going to be.

Oh, on another note, I think there is something wrong with me. Every time I go to the doctor, I catch myself longing to know the stories of all the other women and couples in the waiting room. I think it's because I've felt so alone lately. My friends and family (and even husband) are doing their best to try to understand what I'm going through, but I feel so isolated and uninvolved in their lives. I guess I long for new friendships with women that are in similar situations as myself. Have you ever noticed the stiffness in those waiting rooms? I swear everyones eyes are wondering trying to figure out what CD is is for the girl in the green sweater, or how many years the lady with her nose in a book has been trying, or if anyone's diagnosis is worse than mine. Is it just me? Or are any of you thinking and wondering the same thing. Why is everyone so afraid to talk to one another? One day, I'm going to build up the courage to just strike up a converstion. Maybe I'll meet a new friend.

Rach-ology

I decided to copy this from "Big Belly or Bust...What to expect before expecting" and thought it would be fun.

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology."

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Italian

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? We aren't original--Red Lobster

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? I'm going to have to say subway

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Any kind of pasta

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and Pepperoni

How many televisions are in your house? 3

What color cell phone do you have? Black


BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdome teeth, a werido tumor from my back, and some bone from my foot.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope

Have you ever fainted? yes

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I don't think so, unless it was going to be soon.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I would keep my name the same.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? I'm guessing around 10-15 pairs

Last person you talked to? Hubby boo


FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Fall/Winter

Holiday? Christmas.

Day of the week? Saturday

Month? June or July (hey, I'm off work!)

Color? Red

Drink? water

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? not currently

What are you listening to? Olympic coverage on tv

What are you watching? Olympic coverage on tv

Worrying about? Monday's u/s and bloodwork, will it be good enough to go ahead with IUI

What's the last movie you saw? The Crazies

Do you smile often? I try

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I like my blue eyes, but I also like green

What's on your wish list for your birthday? It's too soon to get a BFP (March 9) so...successful treatments

Can you do a chin-up? Absolutely not

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? A bit of both

Have you been in a car wreck? Actually no...hope I don't have to ever experience that

Have you caused a car wreck? No

Do you have an accent? A little...if you ask my family from MI-a southern accent If you ask some people that I work with- a bit of a northern accent

Last time you cried? yesterday

Plans tonight? Working at the church nursery

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Not rock bottom, but close

Name three things you bought yesterday? Water, Menopur, Burger King for my mom

Have you met someone who changed your life? Absolutely

For the better or worse? Hoping for the better preparing for the worse

How did you bring in the New Year? With friends playing wii

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes.

What songs do you sing in the shower? depends on my mood

Have you held hands with someone today? Hubby

Who was the last person you took a picture of? One of my students

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? That's tricky...I have a lot of new friends, but they're nothing like my old friends

Do you like pulpy orange juice? nope

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? hm, it's been months

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? sleeping

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Ow, my head

What? A good day?

I have had the best day today. There was nothing particularly great about it, but I just felt good. I didn't have a bad headache last night, I slept well, and I woke up ready for the day. It's been so long since I've had a good day, I've forgotten how nice it is.

With all my IF struggles, I have not been present in mind at my job for a while. Don't get me wrong. I love my job, and my students are great. I was just going through the motions of work. It was like I was almost annoyed with my precious students for no reason at all. For whatever reason that my body and mind decided to wake up and cooperate today, I'm sure glad that they did. For a good thirty minutes today I had 3 of 5 of my students up and playing chase with me. It was a silly improv game I came up with, but they played along and it went well. One of my students with Down's Syndrome (we'll call him T) had a toy school bus and several toy cars. I kept walking by and taking them. For a while he didn't notice, then finally he said "Hey Parks! My bus!" Then it started...the other students, the nurse, and I took turns running around with the bus, while T chased us. I had never seen him laugh so hard. Even after we gave the bus back to him. He'd bring it to us and tell us to run. I got the best work out.

What was it Elle Woods said? Exercise give you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't kill their husbands. Well then, good news for my husband! I wasn't even upset when he wanted to go play pool with his friends from work. We've been doing the Menopur at about 7, and I told him I could hold this one off til 8 so he could have a little longer.

Well, I guess I'm going to leave work now, I hope my good day keeps on coming!

Dr. Hubby

I'm going to take the time to give my husband some credit. He's been great the past 4 days. He is so careful in preparing the Menopur injections, and always asks me if I'm "ready" before he does it. He's also been a sweetheart when dealing with my Menopur headaches. He texts me throughout the day asking me how I'm feeling. He's a great guy and I don't give him enough credit. Just for giggles I took a picture of him while he was preparing my shot just a few minutes ago.

I love the look of concentration. He's such a trooper.

Well, I'm going to go finish watching Idol!

Boo Headaches!

So, I'm on my 2nd day of Menopur. It burns a little going in, and it's made me have nasty headaches the last 2 days, but other than that I'm feeling okay. Nick and I talked a little bit yesterday, and we decided that we're tired. Since we're with a new doctor, we want to give it a few trys maybe this one and one more, and then we need a break. Well, I need a break-and he was supportive. We pretty much live pay check to pay check so we also need to sit back and save a little bit too. We've had enough money for the drugs and doctor's visits, but we've had to really cut back on a lot of things...unfortunately groceries has been one of those things. We make it work, I can't complain too much, but we've got some big bills coming up, and we still haven't done our taxes. I always dread taxes because we end up owing for some reason. This year I have some medical to claim, but I'm not sure if it's going to be enough, we didn't start spending the big bucks until January. I'm looking forward to a break, but then I can't help but fear that my mind doesn't know how to take a break. I think I'll worry that if I hadn't have taken a break, would I have gotten pregant if I would have continued with treatments. So..although I've said we have decided to take a break, I wouldn't be surprised if I flake out on it.

Well, I'm going to go lay on a heating pad now. Night all!

Wii Grant

A while back, one of our instructional assistants brought her wii and wii fit to my classroom for use to use for a few days. The kids were awesome at it, and there were a lot of physical benefits too. Since then, I have been wanting one for my classroom, but with budget cuts, I couldn't afford it with my instructional money, and when I asked the "higher-ups" they always just told me to write a grant. So...I did. I'd never written a grant before because I figured it would be too lengthy or hard to do. Boy, was I wrong. I wrote it in about 15 minutes, and much to my surprise....I got it! So I was excited, the kids are excited....the only problem is that everyone is out of wiis right now! Ugh! I managed to catch our local walmart when they had just gotten a shipment of the wii fit in, but still no wii...anywhere. Apparently Nintendo shuts down for January for the Chinese New Year. Boo Nintendo! I want my wii! I have roughly 90 days to get a wii before my grant expires. My game plan is to call Wal-mart every morning, and remind them that we want one, so when they get shipments in I'll be the first thing they think about. If anyone is in "the know" about wii shipments, please let me know. I have a purchase order ready to use!

On another note, I made it to Brookwood all by myself today for my first baseline with them. Everything looked okay--no cysts to worry with. I should be good to start with the Menopur on Sunday evening. Here is where I gripe about the $3 parking: Gripe Gripe Gripe. Ok, that's enough...back to work!

Just Waiting...some more.

Since my appointment with Dr. Long I've been feeling kind of impatient. I was on a "new doctor high" for a few days, then it wore off this weekend. Yesterday morning I had a dream that I took a pregancy test and it was positive. I was so shocked I woke up and ran to take a pregnancy test. I knew I wasn't pregnant, but I had to try anyways. No surprise, it was negative. So yesterday, I was kind of in another fertilifunk. It wasn't too bad, I just got upset when my friend casually mentioned she was going to go shopping for baby stuff. Something, as a good friend, I should be happy about...but it made me cry. Then after a nice dinner out with my hubby, we came home and watched Couples Retreat. If you've seen it and you are infertile, I'm sure you can relate. A comedy shouldn't make me cry right? I know I'm premenstral and I'm just being emotional right now. I'm on day 24 or 25--I actually can't remember right now (for once). So, she's coming. I've got my drugs and I'm sittin' on go.